(¥ City on verge of collapse as sun terrorizes citizens (¥ Brain games! (¥Y Comics! And more! Top free places to camp 1n Vancouver > Take in nature without having to take money out of the bank Klara Woldenga Humour Editor I? Vancouver, summer is the best time of the year. Unfortunately, since you live here, your wallet isn’t having the best time. Don’t worry, we've got you covered. Here are the top free camping places in Vancouver that won't break the bank. Dude Chilling Park They can’t arrest you for chilling, it’s in the name. Behind a dumpster Don't worry, you won't be breaking new ground or sticking out like a sore thumb by being there. Due to the housing crisis, you won't be the only one taking advantage of this opportunity! Under a bridge This is a great option that allows for excellent rain cover, car noises, and the sounds of people finding an isolated location to cry. Nature is beautiful. Why should homeless people and storybook trolls get all the good spots? Assert your dominance by wearing bright reflective clothing. A tent store There are thousands of tent stores open for the fat cats who are able to actually afford tents, and all of them are already set up! All you need to bring is yourself and an attitude that screams “I want to speak to your manager.” In a petting zoo Pretend to be a goat. It’s a lot easier than it sounds. Daniel’s drained pool If none of the above options tickle your fancy for some reason, don’t worry about it. 1 know a guy who never uses his pool. All you need to do is climb down it, set up camp, and enjoy the spooky, echo-y chamber. Just email me and I'll give you his address. Daniel’s backyard Daniel never uses his pool, and he also y, £7 never uses his beautiful, large backyard. He doesn’t deserve it, but where he fails as a human being you can succeed! Sneak in from the back alley and though his back gate. His gate password is 1-6- 3-3-0-3-2-8-4-2-6-3-3-8-6, and his 10 Dobermans won't bite you if you feed them gluten-free dog treats; I think you East Africa solves famine by ordering Endless Shrimp from Red Lobster > Millions of African citizens ‘enjoy’ lukewarm sea bugs and stale cheddar biscuits Klara Woldenga Humour Editor fter years of severe famine, the citizens of East Africa are finally free from hunger thanks to the power of all-you-can-eat-shrimp. The amazing solution was discovered by John Magufuli, the chairman of the East African Community (an organization composed of six countries in Eastern Africa), who flew to Toronto Canada to attend a conference focusing on issues surrounding worldwide famine. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before,” said Magufuli. “After attending a panel, I found myself in a Red Lobster. I ordered the Endless Shrimp special, and suddenly I realized that I could feed an entire country with the reckless overindulgences I was being offered! It was brilliant.” Drought, war, and high food prices are to blame for the upwards of 25 million East Africans that are in need of humanitarian services, so Magufuli proceeded to order 25.5 million orders of Endless Shrimp, just to be safe. “T ordered them to go, of course,” said Magufuli. “And I stayed away from the breaded shrimp and the linguini shrimp—those fill you up too quickly!” The server, Jane Dilben, did a double- take after writing down Magufuli’s order. “At first, I didn’t think I had heard him correctly,” said Dilben. “I mean, who asks for 25.5 million orders of Endless Shrimp? But that guy did, so I got my answer right away—that was nice!” Dilben quickly went to the kitchen to put in the order and was met with some hesitation from the kitchen staff. “They weren't sure if the kitchen could properly fill that order,” said Dilben. “But, I’ve always been told that the customer is always right, so I reminded the chefs of that and they started right on it!” When Kim A. Lopdrup, the CEO of Red Lobster, received word of this shrimp order, he publicly condemned it, stating that: “Red Lobster is not a company that should produce that ridiculous amount of shrimp. When we started this sea-bug restaurant, our intention was to get customers to overindulge to the point of deep self- loathing, not to solve world hunger.” Magufuli responded to Lopdrup’s remarks, stating that “It sounds like Lopdrup’s scared he can’t create over three million pounds of shrimp and, therefore, is subject to all of us questioning his masculinity.” When Lopdrup heard Magufuli’s statement, he responded, “Of course I can make that many shrimp,’ and then proceeded to aggressively ask who it was that had told everyone his company couldn‘. After Lopdrup’s statement, Red Lobster quickly began producing shrimp at an unprecedented rate. Still, the filled orders trickle out of the kitchen slowly, jl BE UEL WASTI LLONNECTIONS # (Caxana® Photo by Analyn Cuarto can find those in Kitsilano, probably. Daniel’s car Don’t worry about it, | never see him lock the door. Just make sure that you only camp between the hours of u p.m. and 6 a.m., Monday to Friday. Photo via ChewBoom.com as Red Lobster seeks to pace out their shrimp servings as to keep costs down, but Magufuli is ready for this tactic. “T have an entire military team dedicated to sitting in the restaurant’s entrance way, picking up the orders, and packing them onto a plane,” said Magufuli. “L also have several people in there politely asking for more cheddar biscuits. They have been in there for four days.” Marine biologists now estimate that shrimp will become extinct by 2019.