Superman’s Dead

Actor Christopher Reeve, 52, passed away
October 10, the result of slipping into a

oa

News Wears Short Shorts

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

his fundraising abilities was Reeve’s will-
ingness to offer his own body for
research—excruciating workout regi-
ments strengthened his arms and legs for
the day he hoped to walk, and electrodes
attached to his diaphragm allowed him to

breathe independently for up to 15 min-

 

coma after suffering cardiac arrest the day
prior. Reeve, who is survived by his wife
Dana and three children, died in a New
York hospital where he was being treated
for a pressure wound that became severe-
ly infected before the heart attack
occurred.

Reeve, who first gained fame as
Superman, broke his neck in 1995 when
he was thrown from his horse at an eques-
trian event in Culpepper, VA. After
battling depression and suicidal tenden-
cies, Reeve refocused his life and has since
become a champion endorser for spinal
cord injuries and stem cell research.
Thanks in large part to his efforts, spinal
cord research has made more significant
gains in the last five years than in the pre-
vious 50,

Although Reeve remained in the pub-
lic eye with sparse acting and directing
gigs—he received a Screen Actors Guild
award for best actor in a miniseries for his
1998 work in an updated version of
Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Windon—it is his
work as an advocate that has been cut
short. Since 1999, the Christopher Reeve
Paralysis Foundation has given out $5.6
million in Quality of Life grants to organ-
izations that ease the burden on people
suffering from para- and quadriplegia and
their families. The foundation has also
invested over $25 million into innovative
research projects deemed too politically
risky for government coffers.

Perhaps more impressive than offering

6 | OUnEPPPess

utes at a time. In 2000, Reeve was able to
move his index finger, and he recently
gained sensation in other parts of his
body. Even more important is the hope he
gave to others with spinal cord injuries.
Eminem can demonize Christopher
Reeve all he likes, and I will always laugh
at the thought of a cartoon Reeve sucking
stem cells from stillborn babies’ necks on
Southpark, but he was America’s Rick

Hansen, and it sucks that Superman’s
dead.

Give or Take a Billion

Finance Minister Ralph Goodale deliv-
ered outstanding news
to the House of
Commons last
week, announc-
that the

govern-

ing

ment has a surplus of $9.1 billion for the
last fiscal year. So naturally that’s some-
thing to be condemned.

“We said in the campaign these guys
were lying about the surplus and this
proves why we need independent fiscal
forecasting,” Conservative leader Stephen
Harper said. “We were telling the truth to
the Canadians about the budget in the
election and the Liberals were not.”

In the March budget, the Liberals
forecast a modest $1.9 billion surplus—
four times smaller than Goodale’s
announced windfall. That’s a lot like
telling your girlfriend that it’s going to be
a Denny’s anniversary dinner, then bust-
ing out the big guns and treating her to
the Sizzler.

Harper’s criticism of the “unexpected-
ly” large surplus is actually quite sound, as
the Liberals have made this bait-and-
switch move many times over the last
decade. Prime Minister Paul Martin’s
stock rose dramatically due to this tactic
as he regularly stood before the House as
Jean Chretien’s Finance Minister, grinning
like a band geek, to announce record sur-
pluses that seemed to come out of thin
air.

A few weeks ago, Ottawa acknowl-
edged the need for independent fiscal
forecasts when it hired Tim O’Neill, chief
economist from the Bank of Montreal, to
review the way its forecasts are made.
O’Neill in turn suggested that Ottawa
should be removed from the equation
entirely.

Mind you, it’s way better to be bitching
over surplus lies than, say, in the US where
a $500 billion deficit was wrongly forecast
before the real $350 billion deficit was
announced. Believe it or not, that deficit
was then championed as good by Bush.

“See, we’ve only fucked up

   
  
    
  

monstrously, not monu-
mentally. Vive la resolve!”
The Canadian surplus
will automatically go
towards our national debt,
which now sits at $501.5 bil-
lion. Over the last seven
years, Canada’s debt has been
reduced by $61 billion. The
Liberals may be sneaky, but what

a gteat political problem to piss

and moan over.

Chip in Your Shoulder

Applied Digital Solutions, a Florida-based
company, had its microchip VeriChips
approved by the US Food and Drug
Administration (FDA) last Wednesday.
The chip, which is the size of a grain of
rice, is designed to hold a person’s medical
history (blood type, prior illnesses, dink
size, etc.) and is implanted in the shoulder
of patients. A similar microchip made by
the same company is currently being used
to locate the lost pets of creepy rich peo-

 

ple. “Ah, Fluffy is in west wing by the ser-
vants’ quarters. Disaster averted.” Losers.

The microchip can be scanned (like
groceries) in order to call up the patient’s
medical record, and is “easily” inserted
under the skin by a syringe in a painless
20-minute procedure. This is the first time

the FDA has approved such an Orwellian

invention, though the

becoming commonplace within world-

practice is

technology leader Mexico’s borders.
Down in the land of Los Lobos and Jose
Cuervo, over 1,000 scannable microchips
have been implanted in patients.
Furthermore, 200 workers in Mexico’s
attorney general’s office have imbedded
chips that grant them access to areas hold-
ing confidential documents.

Have lineups and paperwork become
so loathsome that people would rather
have electronic devices put into their bod-
ies than experience a minor delay? How
about pre-chewed food, pre-ordained sex,
or pre-determined Stanley Cups? I don’t
want to wait when I can have it now. I'll
have a Big Mac meal, please, and could
you just go ahead and throw the diarrhea
in on the side?

So Mexico and the US are creepy, but
what about the rest of the world?

In Barcelona, Spain, club-goers now
use implanted microchips like smartcards
to—lI’m not kidding here, either—get
drinks faster.

Yes there are problems with slow
Medicare, and sure I want my gin and
tonic right this instant, but I’ll be damned
if we start shoving roses up our asses just
to process that old adage without having
to stop even once during our super-hectic
days.

Ochoner = 20/2000