humour // no. 22

 

theotherpress.ca

New changes to come to Douglas this fall

» College updates with the times

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

Kens up with student
trends, desires, and

behavior is essential for the
attractiveness of any post-
secondary institution, and

Douglas College is no exception. :

After analysis of feedback and
demographics, the school has

announced several institutional :
changes to come into effect this :

semester that better appeal to
the current students.

Vapour lounge:
Conveniently located next
to the cafeteria and vending
machines, this relaxation area
features a wide assortment of
bongs, vaporizers, and pipes for
the indulgence of all students
and faculty. Take another
toke right before those stupid
icebreaker games you play in
the first week to loosen you up!

SkyTrain-to-College
Chair Lift: Students who are
too lazy or feeble to walk less
than 100 feet up a slightly
inclined hill once a day can now
hook themselves up to a used
chairlift supplied by the lowest
bidder.

Used Textbook Auction
House: No longer will
students have to argue on

=F

: Facebook about the cost of a

: used textbook that’s only had

: coffee spilled on it four times,

: or through angry texts witha

: stranger. Students can gather

: to throw print-outs advertising
: textbook costs on the ground

: and arrange for awkward

: SkyTrain meet-ups in person.

Rage room: Recently

: converted from the now-

: obsolete Douglas College

: bookstore, this room

: features an assortment of

: textbooks and school supplies
: surrounded by an arsenal of

   

: baseball bats, boxing gloves,
: and flamethrowers for user :
: enjoyment. Students who cause }
: the most damage to all things
? associated with academia

: are rewarded by a distrust of
: genuine education that will :
: continue throughout their post- :

tation by Joel McCarthy

: secondary career, in addition to
: continued anger management
> issues.

Fight Club: Instead of

: getting out their testosterone-

: fueled rage on the sports field

: or ticketed UBC frat party,

: young men of Douglas can now
: get their aggression out in the

: privacy of a college basement

: corner. Led by instructor Jack

: Durden, students are instructed
: in the essential college themes

: of existentialism, blind

: conformity, and how to properly
: quote the movie Fight Club.

Hookup room: Previously

: known as “anywhere in the

: school that’s not a classroom

: currently in use,” these area will
: include ample Netflix and chill

: areas, dimmed lighting, and

: CD copies of the Fifty Shades of
: Grey soundtrack.

U-Pass replacement:

: Students who do not use public
: transportation now have the

: option to spend their $36.25

: a month U-Pass fee on an

: “UpAss’” fee, in which TransLink
: representatives forcefully insert
: a Compass Card where the sun

: doesn’t shine.

DSU for Sale: The now
lightly-used Douglas Student

: Union has been placed in a

: thrift shop for resale, and it is
: expected to fetch a value of at
: least one mediocre barbeque

meal per student per semester.

 

Join the frat!

» Douglas to have first ever frat house

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

ouglas student Bill “The

Man” Huntington was fed
up with the lack of fraternities
at the college.

on, and I was all like whaaaaaa?
Where’s all the frat bros? You
see in all the movies, the crazy
parties and hot chicks, so I

to get in on that action.”

Huntington, being the
entrepreneurial go-getter that
he is, took matters into his own
hands.

“Alpha Party Beta” has
officially been submitted and
approved as Douglas College’s
first ever frat house, under the
strict leadership of Huntington
himself.

“Yeah, it’s not the sweetest
digs,” Huntington explained,
stating that the frat house
is really just the unattached

: garage at his parents’ home near :
: the school. “But I can already

: tell we’re gonna have some real
: bangers. Got the mini fridge

: stocked full of twisted teas for
: the ladies.”

Huntington’s first event,

: “Super Awesome Party YEAH!”
“I got here first day all cool- ! has been created on Facebook,
: and he is happy to report that 11

like right, collar popped, shades : people have already responded:
: five agreed to attend, four
: maybes, and a disheartening
: two who could not attend due

: : : to, “I have work that day,” and,
really just applied to the college : “This sounds really stupid”
: respectively. Still, Huntington

: remains hopeful.

“People just like to play it

: mysterious, I mean we've got

: 2000+ people invited, it makes
: sense for some people not to

: RSVP, but still show up. I’m not
: even worried at all. Not one bit.
: Serious bro.”

On the list of potential

: pledges for Douglas’ first frat

: is first year philosophy student
: Jamie Dean. We talked to him
: about the hazing process and

: why it was he wanted to join

APB.
“I honestly didn’t know

what I was getting into,” he
: told us during his break from
: Critical Thinking.

“Like, I actually didn’t

: know. Some guy looking

: straight outta the ‘80s just ran

: up to me on the first day and

: made me sign something. Next
: thing I know I’m shotgunning

: beers with him in the handicap
: washroom stall. I was late for

: class. I’m scared. He won't leave
: me alone.”

APB is still looking for more

applicants, and Huntington

: himself will be patrolling the

: Campus grounds searching for
: more impressionable students.
: Fair warning.

FULL DISCLAIMER:

: The Other Press does not

: associate with Alpha Party

: Beta, nor do we wish to

: condone underage drinking
: or adultery, or suggest that

: any unknowing woman

: should enter Alpha Party

: Beta’s “frat house” under any
: circumstance.

 

Image via Thinkstock