Humour

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Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with better
news coverage and put three writers
out of work, The Other Press presents
Live Wires, the best news stories from
around the world that we could print
for pennies on the dollar.

Edited by Liam Britten,
Humour Editor

BC Lions hold bottle drive to raise
money for uniforms

The BC Lions football club are fresh
off a Grey Cup-winning season,
and have set their eyes on a new
challenge: raising the $450 it will
take to afford uniform cleaning and
repairs.

To raise the money, the players
will be visiting Vancouver homes
between the hours of 11 a.m. and 3
p.m. this Saturday to collect bottles
that they will return for deposit
money.

“This isn’t the NFL; you have to
make sacrifices if you want to make
it in the CFL, and the occasional
Saturday afternoon is a small price
to pay to do the job you love,”
said running back Andrew Harris.
“Also, it would be great if some fan
would offer me a place to crash for
a few weeks, because it is getting
cramped sleeping in my Kia.”

This isn’t the first time the
Lions have gotten creative to make
ends meet. Geroy Simon, a player
well regarded for his dedication to
his teammates, sold his left kidney
so that the team would have food
during the tight off-season of 2002.

Also, defensive lineman Khalif
Mitchell is known as a top-flight
gigolo to older women under the
alias “Mitchy Luv.”

Defensive back Dante Marsh
appealed to fans via Twitter: “We all
got 2 band 2gether 2 make it work!!
Does any1 have any food they
aren't going to eat #starving”

— Der Fiinkenpresse

Dungeon Master’s latest D&D
campaign meets middling reviews
Weeks of anticipation ended in
disappointment on Sunday after
Lyle Burton’s latest Dungeons and
Dragons campaign received mixed
to poor reviews from players.

“It was pretty fucking lameballs
if you ask me,” reported gamer
Joshua Weiss. “We just keep
fighting orcs again and again,
kobolds if we’re lucky. And we're
not even allowed to use spells from
non-Wizards of the Coast-approved
sourcebooks. Laaaaaame.”

The campaign was criticized
for a lack of creativity, and Burton’s
inability to grow as a game
designer. Also, Burton’s parents
busted him for smoking marijuana
earlier in the week, resulting in an
unpopular ban on hitting the bong
during game sessions—even when
a Bounce tube is employed.

“And that’s the worst thing;
no chronic during gaming? What
kind of bush league operation is
Lyle running here?” asked another
gamer, Alex Owen.

The perceived poor quality

of the game may be a result of
Burton’s own doing. He spent the
past month on an unsurpassed
marketing campaign for the game,
including talking non-stop to
everyone when they were smoking
weed, getting everyone’s hopes

up and completely getting on
everyone’s nerves.

“Oh yeah, expectations were
definitely high,” said Owen. “1
mean, the guy described it as a mix
between Chrono Trigger, Baldur's
Gate, with a bit of Fallout thrown in.
When you make promises like that,
you have to live up to them. Also,
I’m still choked we can’t blaze in
the basement.”

— The Not Fictitious Press

Rob Nicholson responds to critics
over crime bill: ‘Suck my dick,
critics’

After being criticized by
intellectuals, progressives, and
even victims’ rights groups over
the Conservatives’ recently-passed
Safe Streets and Communities Act,
Minister of Justice Rob Nicholson
took time to respond and defend
the bill’s merits.

“Suck my dick, critics,”
Nicholson told the Ottawa press
gallery after a session of Parliament.
“Gargle my balls. Fondle my ass
and lick my butthole. That is all.”

The Minister’s comments have
been called “a powerful rebuke
of the special interests holding
back regular Canadians” by fellow
Conservatives and “dickish, even

 

 

for him” by just about everyone
else.

The comments fit into a
larger Conservative strategy of
aggressively defending the crime
bill. Last week, several Members
of Parliament have been accused
of trying to run NDP Public Safety
Critic Jack Harris’ car off the road at
high speed. Threatening phone calls
made late at night to the home of
prominent lawyer and blogger Josh
D. Scheinert have been traced to a
number belonging to Public Safety
Minister Vic Toews.

Further, while no suspects have
been named in the case of human
faeces being mailed to offices
belonging to the Canadian Centre
for Policy Alternatives, although
their “spiteful, humourless
appearance,” makes none other
than Stephen Harper the most
likely culprit.

— BoastMedia

To avoid repeat of 2011 Riot, City of Vancouver builds flammable, wooden
decoy city to confuse hooligans during inevitable playoff riot

 

By Liam Britten,
Chief City of Turds and Boobs Editor

fter the chaos and carnage that
A:iisstes defined last year’s Stanley

Cup playoffs, the City of Vancouver
has been carefully constructing plans to avoid
last year’s embarrassment and destruction.

The plan, which was detailed in a press
conference yesterday, calls for the construction
of a giant, burnable decoy city that will
hopefully divert rioters away from the real
city. The false city will be built in the Lake City
area of Burnaby, and city planners are hoping
that the decoy will spare the real city from
damage.

“When morons from outside of city limits
come west looking to get rowdy, we hope their
booze-addled, low-functioning brains will
be drawn to this imitation city, as they will
probably come across it first,” said Vancouver
City Councillor Andrea Reimer. “Morons
and numbskulls alike are inherently lazy, and
we're hoping they'll stay true to form. As for
the City of Burnaby: we’re sorry.”

22

No expense was spared in construction
of the city. Realistic replicas of downtown
structures were painstakingly assembled out
of the highest quality, most flammable timber
on the market. Dummies dressed as homeless
persons will be strewn throughout. To top it
off, every “store’s” goods will be priced at
least three times the amount that a rational
human being would pay.

Even though the fake city is yet to
be erected, it’s already yielding positive
sentiment from Vancouver’s diverse
population of punks and assholes.

“T definitely am excited to see this thing
once it’s finished; and then destroying it for
no fucking reason,” said 20-year-old local
meathead Dale Borghesi.

“Tl set fire to anything once I’ve had a
few beers,” said Brody Codron, a 19-year-old
friend of Borghesi’s. “I really love the Canucks,
and for some reason, that makes me set fires
and steal things.”

Planners for the City of Vancouver have made

every effort to ensure that the fake city is as real

and attractive to rioters as possible. They said that
attention to detail was key, and here are some of those
details:

* Imitation storefronts with breakable windows
will be stocked full of easy-to-steal handbags
and garments

* A designated “Self-Righteousness Zone”
will be in the vicinity to allow non-rioting
Canucks fans the opportunity to feel good
about themselves, as if not participating in a
riot is something to be proud of

* Actors with cameras and cell phones will be
on hand to take photos and encourage the
rioters so that they “get it out of their system”
quicker

* All vehicles in the fake city will be easy to tip,
full of flammables, and already have cloths
inserted in the fuel tank to make burning
even easier

* No one visiting the fake city will be searched
for alcohol