Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca (Y Student takes three writing-heavy courses in one semester (¥ Inspired by Oprah, Justin Trudeau runs for president (YY Comics! Comics! Comics! And more! ‘The Sims 4’ sales skyrocket in Vancouver due to housing market prospects > When housing gets you down IRL, live in someone else’s Katie Czenczek Staff Writer N: one could have predicted the vast turnaround in profit that The Sims franchise experienced in the past months. A series that everyone thought was dead has managed to rise from the ashes of the forgotten game universe. Further research shows that there is a specific area in the world, along with a new demographic, that has single-handedly saved The Sims 4 from extinction. Vancouver, British Columbia—which prides itself on being the most expensive place to live in Canada—is where all the profits for the games are coming from. Average Vancouverites all over the city have taken to the game despite having no previous experience in playing Sims before. Denise Mann, a new player, explains why she spends all of her paycheck on The Sims. “It’s the only place in Vancouver where I can afford to own a home. I don’t even buy mansions in the game, just a simple, detached house where my bedroom is not also my Canada officially names sarcasm living room, my kitchen, my study area, and my washroom. I’m literally just making my dream home.” Another Vancouverite-turned- Simmer named Joshua Choo explains why he too has taken to the game. “I'm a student who currently lives in my parents’ house. Now this wouldn't be too bad if I wasn’t 30 and just couldn't afford to move out. In The Sims 4, I own a house and my parents are actually proud of me while I go to school. Plus, I’ve got killer abs and a best-selling novel.” Casey Bautista, local student, plays The Sims 4 at her local public library because she can’t afford a computer. “I work three jobs just to pay rent, so I can’t even afford to buy myself a computer. I even pirate the games because they keep coming up with expansion packs. I can’t afford to buy those and pay my water bills. I’ve gotta play, it’s the only real escape I get from life.” Todd Baker, active Simmer in the community who is fluent in Simlish (the language spoken in The Sims), describes the increase in sales as “shocking” and “completely surprising.” as its third official language > ‘Yeah, we're reeeeeeally excited, says trilingual advocate Jacey Gibb Distribution Manager n what may totally be the most important moment since Canada’s proclamation in 1867, the federal government announced on January 1 that Canada is now officially a trilingual country. “We are both proud and humbled to have Sarcasm alongside English and French as Canada’s official languages,” said Justin Trudeau, in a press conference on January 2. “Canada isa country rich in diversity, and we know this decision will only help to better represent our multicultural nation.” Trudeau then made the announcement in French, and then in Sarcasm, closing with, “I’m sooooo thrilled to be speaking about this today. There’s nothing else in the whole wide world I'd rather be doing than standing here, before you all, using taxpayers’ money wisely and efficiently. Under Canada’s Official Languages Act, Canadians now have the right to receive federal services in English, ” — French, or Sarcasm, as well as the right to be heard in federal courts in the official language of their choosing. Official government documents, including laws, proceedings, and regulations, will also now be available in Sarcasm. Several new positions have also been created on the federal level, including multiple translators in Parliament for any visiting diplomats who may require translation from Sarcasm to French or English. The announcement is a huge victory for teenagers, comedians, and assholes with low self-esteem who use sarcasm as a way to mask their deep-rooted insecurities. Tyler Reynolds, a 17-year- old and self-described “sarcasm advocate,” told the Other Press that he was feeling “just peachy” about the federal government’s decision. “You know, people talk about how they remember exactly where they Image via SimsCommunity. info Photo by Analyn Cuarto “The Sims 4 is easily the worst series in the franchise by far. They added load screens to every location you visit in the world, ‘Create a Style’ has been eradicated, and they even added an expansion pack just for vampires. Who the fuck wants to pay $19.99 just to get vampires back into the game? They really suck. Wait, no I mean, ugh bloody hell—damn it!” There are also academic critics protesting against those buying The Sims instead of a house. According to certain statistics, if people saved all the money they spent on The Sims, they would be able to afford to buy a house. Statistician and self-proclaimed killjoy, Doug Smith, has done the math. “If people stopped buying The Sims 4, including every stuff pack, expansion pack, and other Sims Store merchandise, I have concluded that they’d be able to buy a $1,830,956 condo after only 50 years. They’d also have to cut out buying food, owning a car, and paying their cell phone bill, but really it all comes down to priorities. It just goes to show that Vancouverites are simply wasting their hard-earned money.” were or what they were doing during important moments throughout history, during the moon landing, or when the Berlin Wall came down,” says Reynolds. “This is that moment for me. This is my moon landing moment. No, for real though. Swear to God.” But not everyone is as peachy as Reynolds over Canada’s decision to become a trilingual nation. The federal government has over 250,000 employees, for many of whom mandatory language training will now be priority. “Equipping federal employees with the skills they need to communicate in Sarcasm will take time, but we’ve already begun the process,” says Debra Woolie, the newly-appointed Commissioner of Sarcasm, after clarifying that the title was 100 per cent sincere. However, Woolie then delivered the same talking points, in the exact same fashion, further blurring the lines of whether not this whole decision was a long-winded sarcastic joke, or if it’s now an actual reality for the country.