"My Night with the Zodiac Killer’ - An Excerpt

> Famed erotica writer Lauren I. P Somme plunges readers into the unexpectedly steamy world of US politics

Rebecca Peterson
Staff Writer

 

arco Rubio walked the

halls of the convention
center with nothing but the cold
desolation of failure in his heart.
His losses overwhelmed him,
as did the number of reporters
on his heels asking if he would
be supporting Donald “Good
people don’t go into government”
Drumpf now that his campaign
had come to an end.

“I don’t want to talk about it,”
Rubio choked, hoping they could
not see the sheen of defeat and
misery in his eyes, nor the tears
on his cheeks, nor the “Kick Me”
sign Drumpf himself had stuck
to his back 15 minutes earlier,
during a consoling embrace that
left Rubio feeling very confused
and uncomfortable.

In truth, there was only
one candidate Rubio wished
to support. Only one who had
captured his mind, his political
viewpoint, 37 potential victims in
the Bay Area between the years
1965-1974... and his heart.

Suddenly a hand closed
around Rubio’s wrist, and a
familiar voice leaned in to
whisper: “Let me take you away
from all of this.”

Before Rubio could call for the
secret service agents to help him
(as they'd buggered off to arrest a

Damn Daniel: Life after the fame

#BlackLivesMatter protestor for
getting in the way of a Drumpf
supporter’s swinging fist), he was
pulled into a nearby closet, the
door closed and latched behind
him.

“Wow, again?” said an
onlooker. Nobody seemed very
surprised.

Inside the closet, Rubio folded
his arms in the darkness and
glared at the shadow standing
between him and the door.
“What do you want, Theodore?”

The light switched on, and
there stood Republican candidate
Ted Cruz, an uneasy smile on his
face. Cruz was perfectly at ease—
that was just how he smiled.

“I was wondering if you'd
given any thought as to whom
you might support, now that...”
Cruz cleared his throat, dropping
his eyes. “I’m sorry for your loss,
Marco.”

“Tm not Ben Carson,
Theodore,” Rubio snapped,
tears gathering in his eyes. “You
can’t just pull me into a closet to
‘discuss political agendas’, I’m not
that kind of politician.”

Cruz took an ineffective step
backwards, colliding promptly
with the closet door. Pretending
this and his birth in Canada
never happened, he continued:
“Marco... is that what you think
happened?”

Rubio stared at the man, chin

lifted in defiance. “I think that’s
exactly what happened.”

“Oh, Marco, no, I would never
discuss political agendas with
Ben Carson,” Cruz said, closing
the two inches between himself
and Rubio to put his hands on
Rubio’s shoulders. “We had sex,
that’s all”

Rubio’s lips parted in
equal parts shock and an
uncomfortable upwelling of
lust. Could it be? Had he had
everything pegged wrong from
the beginning? Was the true
pegging here simply a physical
act between enemies?

“That was all?”

“I mean, there was foreplay
first, I guess,’ Cruz said,
frowning. “But Marco... I only
ever wanted to discuss political
agendas with you.”

Those were the words that
Rubio, in his heart, had wanted
to hear his whole life (aside
from the words “President of the
United States Marco Rubio,” of
course, but it was pretty close).
He felt his heart welling, his
pants swelling, and more tears
cascaded over his face, only now
they were tears of joy. “Are you
saying...?”

“I’m saying, I’ve only ever
wanted your public support,”
Cruz said, ripping the “Kick Me”
sign from Rubio’s suit jacket in a
single, bold gesture. “Together,

> The shocking, exclusive story of a man fallen from grace

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

I was everything a young
teenage man could have
wanted: become an Internet
sensation, find worldwide fame,
and appear as a guest star on
Ellen. Life could not have been
better for Damn Daniel, or so it
seemed.

In this three-hour long
documentary we go deep into the
reality of an internet star. The
drama, the heartbreak, the lies
and the corruption that brought
Damn Daniel to the forefront of
our lives.

The makings of a legend

From humble beginnings in
Los Angeles, California, Damn
Daniel always knew he would
become a star.

“Even as a baby, he would
crawl into the room, and we
would all be like, ‘damn,” said
Daniel’s mother, Danielle. “We
had really high hopes for him.
Sometimes I feel like I might
have pressured him a bit too
hard to become an Internet
sensation, but it is just every
mother’s dream. I wanted him

to succeed so badly—it may have
pushed him over the edge.”

Damn Daniel grew to infamy
in his famous “Damn Daniel”
video: a series of snapchats in
which he was complimented by
his friend, Joshua Holz.

“T just thought he looked
really good,” Holz said. “I saw
him each day at school and I was
like, ‘Damn, Daniel’ I’m sure you
all know this by now.”

The video reached such a
level of popularity that Daniel
and Holz were invited onto talk
show Ellen, and were gifted with
a life supply of white Vans.

“That is when it all went
downhill,” Holz said.

The fallen angel

“T just, | had too much
power to know what to do with,”
Daniel said in an exclusive
interview. “After the appearance
on Ellen I was on top of the
world. I couldn’t be stopped.”

Daniel found that he was a
celebrity at school, that he could
date any girl in his grade nine
year that he wanted, but what he
really wanted always eluded him.

“I just wanted to be normal,”
Daniel said, a single tear rolling

down his cheek. “I wasn’t just
Daniel anymore. Even my
teachers wouldn't speak to me
without saying ‘Daaaaaayyyyym’
first. It drove me crazy. My real
name is actually Daniel Lara,
but the media covers it as if my
first name is Damn and my last
name, Daniel.”

Life in the spotlight had
grown wearisome for Damn
Daniel, and he wanted out.

“I sold my lifetime supply
of white Vans, ironically, on the
black market. They went for $200
a pair, as long as | wore them for
a few days first. Creeps me out to
think what people are doing with
those shoes, but I needed the
money.”

Daniel found himself mixing
with the wrong sort once he had
a hefty bank account, and he
broke ties with all who knew him
as “Damn.”

“Those were dark years,”
Daniel said, “I don’t want to talk
about it.”

Up next: Daniel talks about
his life now, the sneakers empire
he built from the ruins of his life,
and his re-emergence into the
snap-chat game.

Marco Rubio & Ted Cruz

we might just have a chance to
defeat the evil of Donald “You
can never be too greedy’ Drumpf.
Together, we can take back this
country. Together, we can keep
the evidence of any wrongdoings
and murders either one of us
could have potentially committed
from ever seeing the light of day.”

“Could we defund Planned
Parenthood?” Rubio gasped.

“For you, Marco... anything,”
Cruz whispered.

Rubio smiled ecstatically,
reaching for his phone. “T’ll call a
press conference right away!”

Cruz chuckled darkly and
pushed Rubio’s hand away from
his pocket, twining their fingers
together. “That can wait, Marco.
We should first consummate

  

Image via www. businessinsider.com

this alliance properly; don’t you
think?”

Rubio bit his lip. “But Ted...
I’m straight.”

“What’s more important,
Marco?” Cruz murmured
smoulderingly. “Sexual
orientation... or ideological
orientation?”

Rubio put his hands on
Cruz’s chest, feeling daring,
adventurous, and politically
relevant for the first time since
his defeat was announced. “Mr.
Cruz, you have my vote.”

Cruz smiled the arresting
smile of a serial killer, and
together in that closet, they
forged their political alliance with
passion and a passable amount of
mutual respect.

 

Damn Daniel white vans size 10 shoes
sneakers

$3,000.00

starting Bid

$2.94

eee dt

Mar-16 to Mar-214

Image via huzlers.com