humour // no. 22

 

 

Love bus

» How to woo people on public transit

Mercedes Deutscher :
News Editor :
Mi news@theotherpress.ca

Pps transit: the one
place in public where
people enjoy being talked
to! It is a truly social space
where both friendships and
love thrive. However, do you
ever find yourself confused
or scared to approach
people? Try these great
conversation starters during
your next transit adventure.

Let’s say for example, you
see an attractive guy trying
to figure out the crossword
in this morning’s Metro. Use
their interest in the word
game to your advantage.
Try suggesting that words
can be used. Better yet,
snatch the paper out of their
hands and finish the whole
damned thing yourself.
Once he’s not distracted by
the crossword, he can pay
more attention to you.

A similar principle
applies to the cute political
science student who is
reading what is happening
this week in Parliament.
Snatch the paper out of her
hands. Rip out the picture
of Justin Trudeau. You'll be
damned if some smooth
talking, young, exciting,
slightly-dangerous-because-
of-tattoos-and-pot-yet-still-
enough-of-a-good-boy-to-
take-home-to-mama and oh-
so-attractive Prime Minister
is going to outshine you.

People love to know
if they smell good,
especially compared to the
wretched stench of public
transportation. Tell him that
his cologne smells great. Is
it Calvin Klein? Better take
a good whiff of his hair or
arm or abs to find out.

For some, the bus is a
great place to catch a nap
during the early morning

: commute to work, or the post-

party ride of shame home.

: You know what makes naps

: even better? Cuddling. Cuddle
: up close to sleeping beauty.

: It will be a pleasant surprise

: for them to wake up to.

You can’t go wrong

: with offering someone a

: drink. Offer them a glass

: of wine. For best results,

: pour the wine between

: stations so that you don’t

: spill 2014 port all over their
: Louboutin’s they spent way
:; too much on at Nordstrom.

Sometimes, you ll

: encounter someone who is

: listening to music quietly

: with their headphones while
: you are on your way to work
: at your fantastic job at a

: music store called VMH.

: Pull some scissors out of

: your bag and cut the cord of
: their headphones. Take the

: opportunity to introduce

: yourself, and then explain

: to them how much you

: love your job at VMH. Be

: sure to mention that VMH

: is having a clearance sale

: this weekend on all Beats

: by Dre, at 25 per cent off!

: Leave them your business

: card and tell them how much
: youre looking forward to

E seeing them at the VMH,

: where you work and love.

Perhaps the person of

: your interest is edgy and

: carries a longboard with

: them. Surely, you can get

: their number by appealing

: to their adrenaline junkie

: nature. To do this, simply

: overthrow the bus driver and
: start driving the bus through
: downtown Vancouver, making
: sure that the bus does not

: decrease to a speed under

: 80 km/h (otherwise the

: bus may explode.) Bonus

: points if, while pulling of

: this move, you are Keanu

: Reeves and that long

: boarder is Sandra Bullock.

 

Not easy being red

» Hellboy: A minority of one?

Adam Tatelman
2 Staff Writer

ast week, the Bureau for
Paranormal Research and

Defense (BPRD) agent Hellboy’s
likeness was co-opted without
permission for a Minority
Rights Group International
(MRGI) ad campaign. Rather
than pressing charges, Hellboy
entered into a public debate at
the 2015 MGRI Conference with
spokesperson Arthur White.

Hellboy was late due to
security personnel classifying
his stone fist as a weapon.
As it was impossible for him
to disarm without maiming
himself, he was required to wear
a zip tie that secured the fist
to his belt. During questioning
after the debate, Hellboy called
this regulation “a load of crap.”

With amphibian BPRD
agent Abraham Sapien cheering
him on from the audience,
Hellboy finally shook hands
with Mr. White. Following that,
the opening arguments began.

“As a person of colour,”
said White, “you surely
understand the need for greater
representation of minority
groups. We at MRGI feel your
unique situation is an excellent
example of this need. You are, as
a demon, a poorly represented
minority here on earth.”

“Everybody’s a minority
somewhere,” said Hellboy, as
he lit up a cigar. “You want
more human representation
down in Hell?”

“That’s hardly the point,”
said White. “I think you’d make

  
 

 

: a perfect face for our campaign.
: Your work is sadly unappreciated :
: on the basis of your appearance.
: Your struggle exemplifies the

: difficulties all minorities face

: here in the western world. With
: us, you can help show them

: what they’re really worth.”

“People never appreciate

: civil servants. Doesn't matter

: if we fight crooks, fires, or

: monsters,” Hellboy replied, as

: he blew a smoke ring in White's
: direction. “Whaddaya want

: me to do? Petition for demon

: quotas in the workplace? I like

: my job just fine. I know what

: ’'m worth, and I don’t need

: anybody else to tell me that.”

“Think of the big picture,”

: said White between coughing
: fits. “Back in 1952, the United
: Nations had to grant you the

: status of Honourary Human.

: Before that, you weren’t even

: a person in the eyes of the law!
: It’s that kind of thinking that

: we need to challenge! How

theotherpress.ca

  
 

Image via www.denofgeek.com

can we do that without—”

“T've had about enough of

: this crap,” Hellboy said, as he

: snapped the zip tie and snatched
: Mr. White’s microphone with

: his stone hand. “When things
: change, they always change

: slow. That’s okay. Bringin’ up
: the past doesn’t help anybody.
: I look how I look; you can take
: it or leave it. Because right

: now, the only one makin’ a big
: deal out of my skin is you.”

The moment Hellboy

: concluded his speech, the smoke
: detectors went off, triggering

: the sprinklers and drenching

: the crowd. Hellboy dropped

: the mic, walked out of the

: conference with Agent Sapien,

: and headed down to the local

: pub. Mr. White, stunned by this
: turn of events, was extracted

: from the building by the Fire

: Department in a state of shock.

Whether or not this incident

: will serve as the basis for a third
: Hellboy film remains to be seen.

 

There's
be Some €rectk.

you'ré
Cronty, Tim
Ovits.

here~

Ts This hell.

 

 

 

by Chandler Walter