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Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with
better news coverage and put
three writers out of work, The
Other Press presents Live Wires,
the best news stories from around
the world that we could print for
pennies on the dollar.

Edited by Liam Britten
Humour Editor

Vladimir Putin concedes
Russia’s democracy just an
elaborate practical joke
Confirming what many had
suspected for years, newly-
re-elected Russian President
Vladimir Putin confirmed
that his nation’s attempts at
democracy were simply a long-
running practical joke on the
international community, and
he felt it had “gone on long
enough.”

“Surprise, Western pigs!”
he told cheering crowds after
his widely-criticized election
in a believed to be rigged
election. “I mean, how stupid
are you? How could anyone
believe this was an actual
democracy? I mean, I’ve been
controlling this government
despite not being president
for so many years, you'd think
someone would have clued in
by now.”

Putin’s opponents in the
election had to be approved by
his government to run in the
first place, and true opponents
were not allowed to compete.

“Seriously, how did no
one get that this wasn’t for
real? Come on! You guys are so
gullible!”

Putin said the best parts of
the joke were that it had true
comedic value, totally stood
the test of time, and gave him
unchallengeable power over
a nuclear state with a massive
economy and over 150 million
people.

—Associated Associates

Canadian Society of Creeps
and Weirdos demands an end
to blinds in sexy women’s
apartments
Citing an inability to
lecherously watch them
in their private hours, the
Canadian Society of Creeps
and Weirdos (CSCW)
demanded that beautiful
women whom they could
never speak to must remove
all blinds and other window
coverings in their homes.
The CSCW called
the visual obscurants

“oppressive.”

“How can we be expected
to carry out our normal
activities, watching these
women undress, following
their every move, calling them
at all hours of the day when
we can’t even watch them from
down the street with a high-
powered telescope?” CSCW
President Spencer Williams
told supports at a rally at the
BC Legislature in Victoria.
“Our right to stalk and harass
these women who want
nothing to do with us is being
trampled on. This is worse
than slavery!”

The BC Liberals said they
would consider the CSCW’s
petition after they had a brief
“get to know you” chat at
a local courthouse with the
society’s members.

— Agence France-Pressed Ham

Denny’s announces new
‘American Salad’

In an effort to encourage
healthier eating and provide
more choices on their menu,
Denny’s Restaurants have
announced that their menu
will feature a new “American
Salad,” which is a mixture of
items that they believe are the
most vegetable-like things the
average American will eat.

The meal is a mixture of
cheddar cheese, pats of butter,
macaroni, deep-fried zucchini
sticks in a rich ranch dressing
sauce. The restaurant says
its minimal trans-fat content
and “non-lethal” salt quotient
make it the perfect meal, or
a great side for any one of
Denny’s traditional meals.

“No one wants to eat
rabbit food. We get that,”
said spokesperson John
Dillon. “This new dish will
allow Americans to convince
themselves they are eating
healthy while destroying their
bodies more efficiently than
ever before.”

When asked if the dish
was truly healthy, Dillon
responded, “Of course it is. It’s
a salad, isn’t it?”

Denny’s also announced
that they will be re-vamping
their popular Baconalia
promotion with a new one
called Baconaliaalia, which
will simply be the regular
Baconalia dishes served with a
side of bacon.

— Canadian Mess

     

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Be ore — e2 ae Hae go SS ea cs MES AY ee
MB eas Ate at oi * @ Viadimir Putin |

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