1 Qian An article not about Charlie Sheen vate — with epethy Jacey Gibb opinions editor h Charlie Sheen, I never meant O=« it to come to this. While I enjoy making little jabs about your personal life and frequently use Two and a Half Men as a reference point for lowest of the low, I never knew my personal belittlement of you would drive you towards your own public meltdown or win-down or whatever you want to call it. You can piss in some freshly fallen powder, scoop it up and call it a snow cone, but its still piss. Enough talk about this benevolent golden boy though, as that’s actually what this article is about. Chances are by now you’ve already heard or seen every Charlie Sheen meme, parody and video remix out there; and that worries me a great deal. Thanks to the viral community, celebrity gossip spreads faster than an STI and I’m amazed at how people eat it up as if it were approaching some kind of expiration date. How is it that people can make a living by running around Hollywood taking snapshots of which celebrity frequented a frozen yogurt stand or who was seen carrying groceries to their car? I would go as far as to call this obsession with celebrities unhealthy, and the Charlie Sheen debacle is a clear example of that. Why is so much interest shown in a man 12 that is thousands of kilometres away and has no real impact upon our lives? I’m fairly name savvy when it comes to Hollywood personnel, don’t get me wrong. I usually know the casts of films and can tell you what else the actors have been in, but that’s because that kind of information is relevant. No, I don’t know who was recently spotted snuggling up to who at the Oscars after-party and I don’t care. Lots of people undergo midlife crises or have ‘awakenings’ in which they make radical changes to their lifestyles, but to have daily coverage in the Metro seems excessive, no? Celebrities use these mediums to gain publicity, whether good or bad, and it clearly works. Whenever a new scandal hits the press, it plagues the media for weeks. The other day in my history class, instead of paying attention to the lecture, I saw a girl on her laptop browsing Charlie Sheen’s Wikipedia page. How can people allow this kind of material to distract them from their real lives and stuff that actually matters, like passing a course? The easy solution to dealing with these celebrity antics and pop culture fanaticisms is as easy as this: stop caring. If people stop buying magazines like Star and tuning into shows like Entertainment Tonight, then the industry might stop turning out crap like this. It’s my feeling that maybe if we all politely ignore Mr. Sheen, he’ll go away. As bought by Jacey: Chia Pets ‘As seen on TV’ product evaluations T= Chia Pet-centric article will mark the third edition of “As bought by Jacey’ and I must say, I’ve been enjoying the hell out of this column. I feel like the sole voice in a corrupt, corporation-controlled world, where the integrity of the press has been severely compromised, leaving me as the last trustworthy source to guide you on whether or not an ‘As seen on TV’ product is worth those two easy payments of nine ninety five. My imagined ego aside, these articles have been a learning experience for me too. It’s been nice to gain first-hand knowledge over what lives up to all the hype and what doesn’t, especially since there are always so many conflicting word-of-mouth reviews. The following is a day-by-day tracking of my Chia Pet’s growth. I tried this thing once before and it didn’t work out like the commercials suggested, but a second trial seemed fair, considering my incompetence could have played a part in past failure. And away we go! Day One- Of course nothing has happened. What did you expect? It’s only been a day. Get your head out of your ass. Day Two- Whoa! After only forty eight hours, the once dormant seeds on my Chia Pet’s head have erupted in an anarchy of blossom! But not really. I think the instructions said it wouldn’t start growing for a couple of days so we’ll see how tomorrow works. Day Three- Signs of life! Several seeds have begun to sprout what look like white tadpoles. And to think my grade three homeroom teacher said I would oO e Lilies Seg ages 7@#e@ a a é 2 never amount to anything! Score: Mrs. Smeaton- 1 Jacey- owner of a flourishing Chia Pet Day Four- Numerous of the seed- tadpoles have turned from white to green and are growing at a satisfactory rate. If only these things grew within seconds like they do in the commercials. Day Five- Very mild growth occurred overnight. In other exciting news, I shampooed my beard this morning! Day Six- The majority of the seeds have sprouted green and a few are even eerily growing directly outwards, away from the grooves of the Chia Pet’s head, seemingly yearning for independence. I noticed that the seeds on the very top of the planter haven’t sprouted at all yet, similar to my last experience. Perhaps male pattern baldness runs in the family? Day Seven- A season of Community on Netflix and seven days later, my Chia Pet is still making progress towards being the miracle product I fell in love with in the commercials, but it’s already evident how patchy the growth will be. The seeds on top still haven’t bloomed while ones at the bottom are already an inch long. Final Rating: C. One could argue it’s unfair to grade after only seven days, but I am able to combine the results so far with the Chia Pet experience I had prior to this. During that time a few months ago, the Chia Pet ended up with mould by the time it had actually begun to bloom. I guess it lived up to the slogan ‘the pottery that grows’, even though it didn’t specify what exactly it would be growing, so I can’t really call shenanigans. Ch-ch-ch- cheapskates.