Humour.

All four roommates ‘the messy one’

<3 Es oe

 

By Liam Britten, Humour Editor

espite individual
assurances to all that
it is someone else who

is leaving dirty dishes around,

not emptying the garbage and
leaving messes in a myriad of
ways, all four roommates in a Port
Coquitlam house are in fact “the
messy one.”

In non-marital co-habitation,
the messy one is the role
assumed by the housemate who
contributes most to the mess
while contributing the least to its
removal. In this house, populated
by four 20-something men, all four
are the messy ones; the roles of
clean one, annoying one, and loud
one remain unfilled.

“T guess you could say I’m
the loud one,” said an in-denial
Spencer McDermot, resident of
the house. “You know, I like to
party, I like my music. But Ian, oh
man, is that guy filthy. He’s always
leaving his clothes around! It’s
embarrassing.”

McDermot, at press time, is
responsible for over 35 per cent of
cheese-encrusted plates and 60 per
cent of all mucus-filled tissues at
the house.

20

 

When reached for comment by
The Other Press, lan Van Der Meer
reported that he was the clean
one and that it was new addition
Lionel Hamilton who was the
messy one.

Added Van Der Meer, who
was the culprit of last week’s
mysterious carpet staining: “And
Spencer’s a douche. Seriously, f**k
that guy.”

Hamilton, for his part, claimed
it was John Singh who was the
messy one. He is responsible for
upwards of 80 per cent of strong,
offensive odours within the
house. Singh was unavailable for
comment, as he had just spilled
bong water all over the couch.

Sociologists believe that
when housemates are unable to
accept and delegate responsibility
effectively, it can lead to a
breakdown of social order. Chaos
may ensue, and feelings and
relationships irreparably damaged.

“Actually, I don’t give two
shits about their feelings,” said
Athabasca University psychologist
Bob Brandes. “What concerns
me more are those slobs’ living
conditions. By the sounds of
things, those degenerates are at
risk of tuberculosis by now.”

 

 

Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Have you recently lost touch with
someone you cared about? Well,
start stalking them over Facebook!
If that doesn’t work, try Googling
their name and see what comes

up! Maybe you'll find their phone
number where you can phone them
24 hours a day!

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Don’t underestimate the
importence of detales. Always be
sure to prove you work!

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Don’t be too worried by what
happened today. After all, no one
saw you blow up that building.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Rise up to the defence of
Laserdiscs! Sure, they might’ve
been a little big, but they made
great pizza holders! What's going
to hold our pizzas now? Not a
flimsy cardboard box!

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Somebody needs a hug! But I don’t
know who that is. Guess you'll
have to start hugging every person
you meet until you find the right
one.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)
Todayyou’llfindthatyou’reunable
tostoptalkingreallyfastandtheres
notimetostoptobreathbecausethe
planetssaysoandyou’Ilmostlikely
dieifyoustopbutwhateveryoudo
don’tsayCandleja-

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Your communication skills are
enhanced today. No, I don’t know
exactly how that happened.
Anyways, you may feel a
compulsion to document every
minute of your life on Facebook

and—Hey! I don’t give horrible
advice! Delete that status right
now!

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

You need to save money in some
way. Maybe if you didn’t spend so
much money on college maybe you
would have more money to save.
So go ahead, drop out of college
and—What? My readership will
disappear if they take my advice?
Well, on second thought, disregard
what I said about dropping out of
college. You’re doing yourself—and
my wallet—a world of good.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Now is the time to tackle projects
that you’ve put off for so long.
Remember when you wanted to be
a superhero when you were eight?
Now’s your chance to start working
towards that goal! Hope you can
still fit into that old Halloween
costume.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Listen to your inner voice today.
It’s telling you that maybe stuffing
a heart beneath the floorboards of
your house isn’t such a great idea.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

People are valuable today. That’s
because they’ve all been turned
into gold. By the way, is your last
name Midas? You might be wanted
soon.

Sagittarius

(11 /22-12/21)

Don’t ask for any special treatment
today. The planets have decreed
that living in a rat-infested
apartment with a lazy roommate
builds character.

(With files from Livia Turnbull)