issue 30// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Summer woman just wearing a straw hat like a fool Woman who ended all friendships gets revokes decision >» Local woman takes it all back Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor lizabeth Moore, 26, tearfully stood in front of press on Saturday afternoon. “Td like to make a public apology for my recent actions,” Moore said, eating out of a family-sized bag of kettle chips. “My thoughts and feelings were not my own.” Ina three-day window of time, Moore single-handedly ended every close, personal friendship she had cultivated over the last three years. “Obviously this was a huge mistake,” she said. Other choices Moore made under the influence of sex hormones estrogen and progesterone were oversharing personal information at work, crying nonstop through the first two episodes of the second season of Pose, buying a pair of unnecessary jeans while bloated, and arranging a slew of Tinder dates she would never attend. “All of these commitments were made when I was in an altered headspace,” Moore said. “Never in my right mind would I agree to go for a beer with a white man named Rob. That’s my father’s name, for goodness sakes.” The final, embarrassing blow was a full-on fight with best friends Rachel Durr and Gordon Caparros. “We've been close friends for almost three years now,’ Durr told Other Press reporters. “We've been there through highs, lows, breakups, weddings, the whole thing. That’s why it was so surprising when Liz called off our whole friendship because we didn't ask her if she wanted to DoorDash sushi to Gordon’s house. In our defence, she said period, she was picking up Thai for herself on her way over. It was classic Elizabeth.” “I was hungry enough for two meals,” Moore said. “It felt like they were telling me that I was too fat for both.” In an aside, Caparros said to press, “She didn’t need both. Thai and sushi are very rice-heavy. She would've had half of a veggie sushi combo and said she was full. But you didn't hear it from me.” After her arrival at Caparros’ apartment, Moore tearfully called the three-year relationship to an end. “T brought up the time Rachel went on vacation without us, and how we all supported Gordon through his most recent breakup,’ Moore said. “I see now that these incidents are in the past and have no bearing on our life at the moment.’ When asked if Durr and Caparros would accept Moore's apology, Durr said, “I get my period a little before Elizabeth, so we don't really see each other for a two-week time span. It really helps keep our friendship intact.” Caparros later said to press, “She looks very pale and bloated right now. She is not at her best.” In her final statement Moore told reporters, “My actions were mine and mine alone. | am truly sorry for the hurt feelings I have caused and the trail of destruction I have left in my wake. I can only hope to improve myself over the next 22 days, followed by a week of extreme chaos where | cannot be held accountable for anything I do.” As reporters were packing up, Caparros’ comments were relayed to Moore, resulting in the friendship being called off once again. Women forced to give up fundamental rights during summer >» Don’t like it? You should’ve chosen to be born a man Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Lo authorities issued this statement to all women and femmes last Friday. “Because were now leaning into the summer months, women have to be aware that some of their rights and privileges will be taken away,’ Francine Byers, deputy police chief, told press. “This includes any and all bodily autonomy as well as the right to be comfortable in their own skin.” Byers went on to state, “It doesn't matter if it’s 30 degrees out—any and all exposed skin will be an open invitation for men to ogle and comment on. Sorry ladies, that’s just the way it is.” Other privileges, such as the ability to go to the beach with girlfriends wearing a swimsuit, will also be nullified during 2019's summer months. “Think you can have a nice time by the seaside with your besties? Think again,” Byers said in the announcement to a booing crowd. “Your body then falls under masculine law, and they have the right to stare at your chest and make any and all comments they want.” Other Press reporters spoke to local women to see how they felt about their basic human rights being revoked. “Tt’s unfair and demoralizing, but I’m too tired to fight it,’ said Danielle Fresco, 27. “I was so angry during my early 20s that it’s mostly burned off by this point. I just try to never leave the house, and if I do, I wear so much shapeless linen that my body looks like an unidentifiable blob. You have to fully cover your feet as well—that’s another place they can get you.” “T find it’s best to avoid any male family members during the summer,” said Geraldine Miller, 19. “I just can’t handle seeing my own grandfather gawp at other women like he’s not using a walker and an oxygen tank to survive.’ “T just had to tell my u-year-old daughter the harsh realities of the season,” Sara Amor, 42, told press. “She has the body of a child and hasn’t even gone through puberty yet, but I said, ‘Sweetie, that doesn’t matter at all to a creepy man? If » Stylish trendsetter has a woven straw bag as well Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ystanders were shocked last Wednesday when local summer woman Melissa Cathrall had the audacity to wear a straw summer hat like she was somebody special. “Who does she think she is?” bystander Georgina Richards asked press. Cathrall’s crimes against humanity didn’t stop there. While entering a coffee shop, both patrons and staff said she kept the hat on while ordering and consuming her beverage. “Tt was acold brew,” barista Anthony Williams said in an interview with the Other Press. “A nitro cold brew, and she asked for oat milk. Nitro cold brew doesn’t need any milk at all. It’s already creamy enough.” Onlookers watched as Cathrall drank her cold brew in full view of everybody, pausing at random intervals to laugh at a comedy podcast she was listening to. “What podcast was it? We don’t know. We'll never know. It was disgusting, Williams said. “She only tipped 50 cents, as well.” Other Press reporters brought in SFU sociologist Peter Linney to speculate. “Judging by her annoying attire and highlighted hair, we can speculate she was listening to a true crime podcast where various human atrocities are relayed ina fun, sarcastic manner,” Linney said. “She can laugh at these kinds of things because she works in either the Saje or Lululemon head office, and the worst thing that has ever happened to her was having to wear orthodontic headgear in the ninth grade.” ? youre a woman wearing a shirt that exposes your shoulders, you're gonna get stared at by a 49-year-old man who looks like your father. I don’t make the rules—I’m just beaten down by them every day of my life.” What does this mean to the modern woman? “Don’t think that you can’t enjoy yourself for the next couple of months,” Byers said. “The sun is shining, and we When asked about his research methods, Linney said, “I just looked at her annoying riverboat Mark Twain hat and her straw mules. Who even wears straw mules? They’re barely a shoe at all!” Asmall crowd followed Cathrall as she waltzed down the street to a local craft store, where she bought a teeny-tiny plant and a bottle of sea salt hair spray for $80. Reporters spoke to salesperson Harriet Mueller, who sold Cathrall the items. “When I was ringing her through, she asked if I would be able to ‘get out in the sun today’ at all. When I said I was working from 1 to 9, she actually shed a single tear at the fact that I ‘wouldn't be able to experience this lovely day’ It was disgusting. She smelled great, though.” Witness reports said that Cathrall continued on her promenade, stopping at various bushes to smell flowers and exclaiming to nobody about their beautiful scent. From there, she wandered to a dog park to lovingly stroke the fuzzy heads of puppies. “This woman comes by at least three times a day,” dog owner Jeffery Friess said in an interview. “Doesn't she have, like, a job or something? And what’s up with that dumb hat?” After visiting the dog park, eyewitness accounts said Cathrall floated up into the sky, where she morphed into a ray of light and was absorbed into the sun with a burst of glee-filled laughter. “Good riddance,” said Friess. “I hope I don't see her again until winter, when she transforms into Big Wool Hot Cider Christmas Woman.” c a Fra fs] 4 Uv 7 al fi] ra Ls] S) > 2 c a = i) 2 ss a 2 all deserve to have a little happiness! I recommend complete disassociation to the point where youre not fully in your corporeal form. I also advise all women to carry a firearm like I do.” Brian Henderson, the chief of police, announced to press shortly after that all men were required by law to expose the half-inch of skin below their bellybutton at all times.