Colin Miley: Managing Editor Here’s my favourite spam email from last week, followed by my reply. ach |? 4 | lad Tools ~ | 5 Cancel SE OS EN ca LE SES SEDER SEER UU Maia ge ae [ae ea cinerectior yahoo _i To: edwardbinda@walla.com 7 . ; 4 eNews COR YOU subhct! Hi Eadie! | 4 2a (| Paragraph Fontstyle~ Fontszey BJU = = = - —— |EE Ree -Bl SA ev & 4a GB Paragraph~ Fontstyle~ Fontszey~ BJU = 3 = Dear Freind, I am Mr Edward Binda,the only son of late Chief and Mrs K.K Binda My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory Coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates in one of their outings on a business trip.My mother died when I was a baby and since then, my father took me so special. Before the death of my father in 2003 in a private hospital here in Abidjan, he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has the sum of Eighteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand US dollars (US$18,500,000) left in a fixed/ suspense account in one of the prime banks here in Abidjan waiting until i find a God fearing person to help me . I want to transfer this money and use it for investment purpose such as real estate management or hotel management. I am honourably seeking your assis- tance in the following ways: 1) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 20years old 2) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit for me in your country. I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas and 5% for expenses. Best Regards EDWARD EMAIL edwardbinda@walla.com TEL 0022507436373 a ee & ia = SeFe -B FAD Dearest and most beloved Edward, Right off the bat, let me tell you how honoured I am to be your “freind,” even though we’ve never met. I feel your pain, in that my mother died just days after I was conceived. She was eaten by a mythical beast called a “Skinless Mallard,” whose frightening gait is matched only by its wicked demeanor. With one eye red, the other distinctively green, this hell-fowl pecked at my poor Mom until she died, right in front of God and everything. My father also “took me so special” when I was young, just like you. But my therapist and lawyers say I can’t get into the details of that at this time. I’m so glad we found each other Edward. It just so happens that I think I can provide you with my services. I am an editor, and judging from this poor- ly crafted email, you need an editor. Trust me on this Edward. You come off sounding silly in your letter, especially in the final sentence of the first para- graph when you say, “Before the death of my father in 2003 in a private hospi- tal here in Abidjan, he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has the sum of Eighteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand US dollars (US$18,500,000) left in a fixed/ suspense account in one of the prime banks here in Abidjan waiting until i find a God fearing person to help me :” That’s a pretty shitty sentence, Edward. I don’t even know how to begin telling you about all the errors, tense problems, and grammatical mistakes Last Call Amanda Aikman, OP Columnist It’s Oscar season, and I’ve got celebrities on the brain. Not in the “who’s going to win for best adapted screenplay” kind of way, more in the “I wonder who Scarlett Johansson will wear” kind of way. Ah celebrities. As long as there’s a popstar’s boob to inadvertently expose and under- age girls for R&B singers to videotape, celebrities’ antics will continue to disgust and entertain us regular folk. And while I may never experience the lifestyles of the rich and infamous first-hand, that doesn’t mean I can’t pretend. And so, I present to you, my “Celebrity I would most like to...” list. = Celebrity I would most like to get it on with: Sean Penn and/or Gabriel Byrne. No, they aren’t fresh-faced young pups from the Orlando Bloom school of hotties—but they do both have that haggard, mysterious bastard (with a heart) quality. I love a man who can take a punch as well as a drink. Celebrity I would least like to get it on with: 50 Cent. While I admire the fine-tuned literary sensibilities exhibited when rhyming “club” with “rub,” I wouldn’t have the first idea how to accessorize a bulletproof vest. Celebrity ’'d most like to be friends with: Maggie Gyllenhaal and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Maggs would lend me all her cool clothes, and PSH would make the three of us laugh with his clever, sarcastic repartee. What a team we'd be! Celebrity I’d least like to be friends with: Sofia Coppola She’s a cool, smart, talented, beautiful, chic Oscar winner, who just happens to belong to that sentence includes. I’d need the fucking Rosetta Stone to figure out what the hell you’re trying to say. That sentence makes me not want to be your “freind” anymore. It’s pissing me off just thinking about it. But since we’re still technically friends, I’m going to give you my “friend rate” of $4,872 per hour for my services. I estimate that your email will take i me around 3,797 hours to edit, give or take an hour. So, you basically owe me $18,498,984. I expect payment by Tuesday. Thanks Edward. Best, Colin Miley one of Hollywood’s most respected royal families. Who needs the competition? Celebrity ’d most like to see beaten to death with a tire iron. Okay, maybe not to death... Elisabeth Hasselbeck from Survivor and The View. Oh, how I dislike this woman. She’s pro- life, pro-death penalty and pro-Bush. What’s up with that? Why is she famous, anyway? For being blonde, wearing a bikini, and eating bugs? Or for her masterful interviewing of Lindsay Lohan on some obnoxious daytime-TV hagfest? Celebrity Id least like to see beaten to death... Dakota Fanning. Sure, she’s precocious and too wealthy for someone her age, but c’mon, she’s just a kid. Celebrity I’d most like to have as a parent: David Lynch Imagine, if you can, what Christmas Eve at the Lynch house would be like? Or Halloween? Or the fourth of July? Yeah, you might find yourself in need of therapy, but with a successful filmmaker for a father, at least you’d be able to afford it. Celebrity I’d least like to have as a parent: Courtney Love. Raiding her medicine cabinet and laughing at her pathetic public displays of insanity would be pretty fun—but it might get a little old if she were your mother. Plus you’d have to have that whole “Why'd you kill Daddy?” conversation, which could be awkward. Celebrity world I’d most like to live in: Sex and the City. The clothes, the shoes, the drinks, the sex—what’s not to like? Celebrity world I'd least like to live in: The O.C. I could just imagine the O.C. girls when they saw me. “Who’s the new chick with the cheap handbag?” they’d ask, “And what’s she doing with that food...oh my God, I think she’s swallowing it!”