Kansas is God's Country: —
And other unknown revelations from Genesis

Julian Worker, OP Contributor

As you will remember from our previous chapter of “The
Mid-Western History of the World,” just over seven thou-
sand years ago Adam and Eve were deceived in the Garden
of Eden by the theories of the evil serpent Charles Darwin
and his corrupt, British sense of humor. Their indiscre-
tions were punished by the Lord who sent thunderbolts to
fall upofi the Earth. These great balls of fire sent up
clouds of righteous indignation and dirt that blocked out
the rays of the sun, which had only been shining for three
hundred days. Read on....

And lo! the clouds of the Lord allowed the glaciers to
come up on the Earth in huge numbers and they advanced
and advanced until half the earth was covered with ice.
After forty days the Lord had seen enough and blew the
clouds away with his celestial breath. The rays of the sun
hit the glaciers and they started to retreat and melt. The
Lord sayeth unto a worthy man called Noah, “This is a
phenomenon called Global Warming, which ye should
ignore totally. However, just in case, build ye a large boat
right away.”

Noah was a straight and righteous man, who had been
intelligently designed recently. He was married to Mrs.
Noah in a loving relationship built on mutual respect for
one another. They had three sons called Shem, Ham and
Japheth, which in the modern day American language cor-
respond to Burger, Ham and Macdonald. “We have to go
for it,” said Noah pointing at the gopher trees in the forest.

And lo! after a lot of pioneering spirit, they built a large
Ark for the worthy animals of the Earth.

Now, some of the animals called Dinosaurs had grown
fat and unworthy on the fruits of the Earth provided by
the Lord. Other animals had indulged in unnatural prac-
tices with animals of their own gender and had become
corrupt, unworthy and gay. Noah laid a plank of wood
from the ground to the Ark and bade the worthy animals
of the world enter his vessel, and lo! they boarded the Ark
two by two in an orderly fashion—one of the male gender
and one of the female gender as decreed by the Lord.

Then it was time for the Dinosaurs to enter the Ark,
led by the massive Brontosauruses. Unfortunately, due to
their overindulgence, the Brontosauruses were too heavy
for the plank of wood, and lo! it was broken into a thou-
sand pieces by their huge weight. Noah shrugged his
shoulders and indicated the rising waters to the stranded
Dinosaurs and gay animals. “Thou are being punished by
the Lord for thy corrupt living,” sayeth Noah, before he
swam to the Ark. The Dinosaurs and other unworthy ani-
mals were drowned by the rising waters upon the Earth.
The sediments of the Earth were stirred by the waters and
the massive hulks of the Dinosaurs sank the furthest
because of their weight and were interred deep within the
Earth. The other gay animals didn't sink as far due to their
lighter mass and lack of moral fibre. All these unworthy
creatures lay in their graves waiting to be discovered as fos-

sils, by the geologists of our era.

When all the glaciers had disappeared, water covered
the entire surface of the Earth, but upon the Ark every-
thing was dry, worthy and clean. The animals were fed by
the world's first fast-food outlet run by the three enterpris-
ing sons of Noah, who provided cheap and tasty meals for
all the worthy animals. Mrs. Noah was a skilled baker and
provided the bread for their food. The animals all went to
the toilet in a special place on the Ark called Iran. When
the amounts of animal dung began to overflow Iran and
corrupt the surrounding areas, the dung was cast over-
board and helped to form the part of the world that is
now called Europe and The Middle East-apart from Israel,
of course.

Noah sent a dove to find out whether the waters upon
the world were receding. The dove was the product of a
loving relationship between a male dove and a female dove
who were married to each other. And lo! the dove returned
clutching an olive twig in its beak. The waters were evapo-
rating and after their voyage of forty days and forty nights,
the Ark and all its worthy passengers came to rest upon
the Earth in a place called Kansas.

Next time, we will explain the creation of the conti-
nents and the mountain ranges, the formation of the
world's natural resources, and how Moses became the first
person in the world to see a psychologist.

B SIG@S: the beirs Demise, Dudes | Despise, and Why Surrey Sucks

Brandon Ferguson, Opinions Editor

Surrey sucks. Always has, always will. New mayor, new developments, new
condos, cops, and court measures be damned-Sutrey will always suck.

Some racist friends of mine claim it's because of the high towel head
content or the immense brown town factor, but that's as ignorant as it's
untrue. Never in my drunken traversing of Surrey have I ever had prob-
lems from any ethnic faction—from the Brothers at Funky Planet who
laugh at my dancing before joining in to the Punjabis who always drank in
the parking lot with me after work to the potinfused Brownies who invited
me into their homes to blaze in. a haze of perpetual marijuana glaze for end-
less days and countless PlayStation games Any notions that it's the
“coloureds’” causing problems south of the Fraser are mostly based on big-

What's wrong with Surrey is Whitey.

White kids today seem to be suffering from an identity crisis—they don't
know who they ate, nor do they have the conviction (or time away from
video games and masturbation) to ever become who they want to be.
Rather than being that tough Tony Montana man that every boy wants to
be (he was White enough to idolize), its easier and sometimes safer to just
hang out in groups, wear menacing faux jewelry, tilt ball caps in all kinds of
angles, spit when you talk, and refuse to wear anything in your own size—
mind you, it can be difficult to find an extra petite pair of pants

My cousin sits on my couch downstairs with dried blood on his sleeve
and a slight welt under his eye, though that could just be a bag under his eye-
we did stay up late drinking last night. . after the vicious attack. He feels a lit-
tle grogpy. . .from the uncomfortable couch he slept on. He looks a little
nasty. . .but he's an ugly kid to begin with.

After being punched in the face four or five times at The Dell—yes, The
Dell—ny cousin couldn't do anything but laugh. He was outnumbered,
drank, unfamiliar with the environment, and had no idea where I was.
(After splitting up two attempted fights, I was enjoying my first solitary
smoke of the night. I figured something was going wrong, but frankly did-
nt give a fuck. That's family for ya)

‘This isn't a story about my cousin's passive heroics or inflated boys who
braw/ like feral pussycat dicks or even the mustached chicks who love them.
‘This is a story about Surrey.

We live in a highly sensitive time, where political correctness sometimes
outweighs the truth of all matters: Chinese people, though highly skilled and
lovely to dance with, ate still some of the shittiest drivers out there; Brown
dudes, while eloquent at times and happy to provide a joint or two for tok-
ing, will still all jump you in a street fight because that's just how they do; the
Dutch smell like cheese. We all have our own biases and our own world-
Big Brother or some other fanatical ideologue will come along, start crying
crocodile tears, slap you with a subpoena, and sue the future out of you. So
we keep our words in check. And we lose some of the nuance of our
world.

So, itis without reservation that I revoke the free pass that Surrey's had
for the past few years. No longer is it taboo or “tsk tsk’”’ to dump on the
biggest trash can this side of Texas. Surrey, in fact, sucks balls

When I was much younger, I used to frequent The Dell. It was dirtier yet
chassier then. Run, for all intents and purposes, by the Nomads, The Dell
had an ominously safe feeling to it. Major crimes were plotted or maybe car-
from Coquitlam could carry on in any manner he chose so long as there
was a hint of respect for the joint. Dancing like a dervish while downing
two pints of cheap lager—no problem, thanks for coming, Retching some-
some dude's pants—no problem, thanks for coming. . .homoa.

One of the head Nomads was dating.a friend of mine's sister. I was
introduced to him; I was wearing some God awful Le Chateau concocted
outfit with big bitch boots that had buckles and three inches of rubber sole.
He politely said hello, gave me shots of tequila, which I loathe, and got me
drunk. He let me dance with “his girls” He let me bump into his friends If
there's one thing you didn't do at The Dell, though, it was fuck around.

But now, some six years later, I'm embarrassed by the brash trash that
flashes fake gold like it was titties and lashes out at percetved male threats like
little jungle kitties It's sad and pathetic that this is the norm, these little
Eugenes and Jerrys who jump about and scream and shout as if anyone
EIf who threw the feeble punches who knows the bouncer who knows a
guy to talk to about a horse. . .; on the ride home, my old ass got lectured to
by wee little Surrey girls

“You don't know who youtte dealing with,’ she screamed, as if I were
holding onto butterscotch and wasn't giving it up. “They're drug dealers.
They know people. They're bad news They'te. . ”-—and she said this last
part with a hint of pride—they’re my friends”

Bitch, I was a drug dealer. Slut, my friends were in organized. Hoe, shut
up and drive.

‘There was a code of ethics when I was a punk: don't fuck around and
finish whatever messes you make. She never gave us the name of her
friend; the bouncets wouldn't let me back into the bar (not that I knew
exactly what I'd do, or who Id do it to, once I was in there). There was no
resolution, no deaf up; only fuck arounds in a jackass town too dirty in its
invented image to see that there might be some redeeming features some-
where in that flat dump south of the Fraser

On the tide back to my place, I asked the infected pimple whether or not
she enjoyed being a Surrey girl. “It's a good town. I mean, we, like, live in an
Okay place where there's not too much bad stuff going on. But yeah, it's
way better than, like, Vancouver and stuf”

Chic, it's way not It's Surrey. Surrey sucks

When the cellulite chauffeur dropped us off at a gas station near my
home, she asked for $10. I presume it was for gas, but honestly, for a minute
there I wasn't sure.

‘That's Surrey. Surrey sucks