0 ‘ i LAM F HIS WEEK apiasures@gmatl-com Coquitiam is Boring By Brady Ehler, Coquitlam Rep., yet Vancouver Afficionado I am sorry, fellow Coquitlamites (if there are any of you out there), but Coquitlam is boring. For a young man like myself, full of energy and looking for excitement, this town is boring as breadsticks. But then, is this any great surprise? Coquitlam is a place to raise your family, not a place to /ve in. I’m just going to come out and say it; Coquitlam is a hellish suburban wasteland. There, I said it, and I mean it too, damn it. There isn’t even a downtown in this “city.” Sure, there is the commercial strip along North Road...but that’s all it is, a strip, and a short one at that. Okay, well there is the mall, and it does encompass two or three square blocks, but despite what the road signs will tell you, a shopping mall doesn’t constitute a downtown area. I’m sure teenagers and old people like the place just fine; there is a skate-park, a pool, and vast expanses of trails on which to walk your twenty-year-old golden retriev- er with its cataracts and arthritis. There is the Evergreen Cultural Centre, where you can enlist your children in all sorts of thrilling programs, blah, blah, blah. What about me, damn it? This town has nothing for a young adults; there are no cool record shops, no anarchist book stores, and certainly no marijuana-themed cafes. When I have free time and want to get out of the house, I grab my longboard (or as I like to call it, my skate- board for grown-ups) and head downtown. By downtown, I of course mean downtown Vancouver (where else). Where else but downtown Vancouver, can I skate around, rush parkades, do the sea wall, and rip down Davie street at mach ten? But downtown is not just a great place to skate; no, there is more! There are restaurants galore, of every size and shape, and get this; many of them are dirt-cheap! Ah, downtown, where else can I get freshly baked pizza for a dollar per slice? Where else can I get twenty pieces of sushi for five dollars? Where else can I get a burger and a beer for the same? Not in Coquitlam, that’s for damn sure. It doesn’t end with declicous, cheap food either, no, it is merely the beginning! Coquitlam has quaint little trails, well, just outside of downtown Vancouver is Stanley Park, eat that Coquitlam. I know Coquitlam has two libraries, but neither of them compare to the massive awesomeness of the downtown library, a monumental piece of architectural art that encompasses an entire city block and boasts seven levels of delicious knowledge for public consumption. What’s that? You want to talk venues? Coquitlam has no real venues, and this is an infinite source of disappoint- ment for me. Music fosters culture, which is something Coquitlam sorely needs to figure out. Downtown Vancouver is bursting with venues, including two, count ’em two, stadiums...ok, so stadiums are shitty venues for music shows, but they are great for sports! We all love hockey here don’t we? Alright, I don’t expect Coquitlam to build a stadium anytime soon, but would it be so bad to have a bar that books real bands? Not that 40-year-old music teachers playing the hits every Saturday isn’t thrilling and all, but how about some firkin’ variety? Give me culture damnit! I want slam poetry jams and open-mics; I want weird seclud- ed venues with tacky shit nailed to the walls; I want trendy coffee shops and jazz music! Unfortunately, though, I don’t think ’m going to get any of those things as long as I stay in this cursed yuppie hell-pit. ’d be gone today if my parents weren’t offering me free room and board while I go to college. Thanks mom and dad...you fucking bastards. Up yours Coquitlam!