The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com David Lynch to direct new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie INR WLUI IBDN ae eh ) LYNCH “Sa Ity” Liam Britten resident all-star A leaked report and attached script out of Hollywood on Thursday has confirmed that experimental director David Lynch, known for art film classics like Eraserhead, Mulholland Drive and Blue Velvet, will be directing the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, entitled TMNT: Distant Sewer. According to the report, the film will be a psychological examination of the issues surrounding being an outcast in a modern middle-class society. The film “will study obsession and ennui in a world where we all want to be Leonardos, but often settle for being Footsoldiers.” The story begins with Michelangelo waking up next to his on-again, off-again lover, April O’Neill. April is pregnant with his child, and exacerbated by being diagnosed with AIDS, realizes life is pain, and goes off to ease his. He steals the Turtle Van, and with his friends Casey Jones, Mondo Gecko, Ace Duck and Genghis Frog, goes on a joyride while smoking crack. Michelangelo sees a woman being attacked by Rat King, and drives him off, only to return moments later to sexually assault the woman as his friends sing “Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” in Romanian with four- part harmony. Donatello wakes up in the Technodrome and discovers that he has in fact been working for Krang and the Foot Clan, despite having memories of the Clan only as the enemy. When he tries to make his escape, he is captured by Bebop and Rocksteady, and sodomized in front of a crowd of midgets who sit silently wearing 19"- century magistrate’s robes. The scene ends with a montage of dogs being born and candles snuffed. Leonardo is taking care of Master Splinter, who is dying of cancer. Splinter, huffing on a nitrous oxide tank, wishes for his family to come together just one more time. All the ninja turtles wants to see a back-alley abortionist, Baxter Stockman. The trip to the abortionist turns out to be a trap, and April is kidnapped and taken to the Technodrome. Raphael, after his nihilism is then assemble in the sewer, however, they have now become appliance repairmen, who fix Splinter’s washing machine, and feed him to it. The ends. film ends with April giving birth to a faceless baby that cries backwards. The baby bursts into flames, and the film It is believed within many Hollywood circles that the film will be yellow bandanas instead of orange. controversial, mainly because Lynch has called for Michelangelo to wear Man kills entire family, saves journalists from SIOW NEWS Gay, -ssic-tin sits A blood-soaked scene in Surrey greeted horrified investigators and overjoyed reporters last Thursday after a local man killed his entire family, resulting in really great news coverage. Paul Leblanc, 29, is believed to have slashed his common-law wife and three sons to death, and then ended his own life. This will be a welcome incident for the entire staff of the Burnaby Now, who came into work believing that they’d be stuck doing light pieces on summer fairs and back-to-school time—usual subject matter during slower summer months. “When I heard that the Leblanc family had been murdered, I was horrified,” said Burnaby Now editor Cecil Tosoni. “I mean, it’s a tragic event, so we’re going to need lots of room for pictures. How are we going to fit this whole awesome story in just one issue? Layout’s going to flip when we show them how much needs to go in the Friday issue. Maybe we’ll do a three-part series or something.” The first person to see the Leblanc family disemboweled on the living room floor was door-to-door 18 charity canvasser Megan Kennedy from the Christian Children’s Fund. Upon seeing the family, Kennedy was visibly shaken. “They were all just lying there, and no one was moving, and I didn’t know what to do, and, I don’t know, it was so horrible,” said Kennedy between wracking sobs that will surely make for great television. “Why did God let this happen? Why? They were just kids! I don’t know what I can believe anymore.” “She’s questioning her faith? Perfect!” said reporter Aimee McNeil, after hearing of Kennedy’s sadness. “That really adds a human element to it. More importantly, a living human element. If I interview her, I could get an award! God, this is amazing!” While Leblanc is known to police and mental health workers, it is also suspected that he was heavily in debt, as well as a chronic alcoholic and crystal meth addict. These revelations could lead to a feature-length expose deal for a senior reporter on the issues of gambling, alcohol and drug addiction. Psychologists will be interviewed in the hopes of getting a good quote that could perhaps act as a sub- headline. The RCMP has said that at this time no charges will be laid, as the primary suspect is dead. Reporters have expressed dismay at this fact, as it will mean no lengthy court proceedings that could result in residual book deals for those doing coverage at the courthouse. Reporters say at this point the greatest challenge is to think of a good name for the event. “T think we’re going to call this event ‘The Maple Street Massacre,” said Tosoni. “I mean, we have to think of something catchy, memorable, and hopefully alliterative. However, I think it’s important to remember in the face of all this fantastically tragic news that people died; five people will never take another breath, never see the sun, and never feel joy or anything ever again. The community has been shattered eternally, families will never be the same. We have to be sensitive to that.” Added Tosoni: “That reminds me, let’s get some pictures of a crying grandmother or something.”