FEATURES What Really Happened on Winter Vacation Travis Paterson, OP Features Editor The neighbourhood road hockey gam.e Don’t bother trying to convince your 32-year- old brother, now a husband and the father of two six-year-old girls, to strap on the goalie pads. It happens when you give your niece a junior hockey stick, and after a stiff mimosa you prompt your brother to show her howto use it. Once its in his hands, all it takes is an elbow in his side and its game on. You take it outside, the neighbourhood kids join in flaunting crisp new Luongo jerseys, and even the gamer kids find time to put down their XBox controllers for the annual exhibition. It never lasts long enough. After ten minutes your brother’s wife comes outside with your niece and naively asks your brother why she can’t play. He succumbs just when the game is intense, hands her the stick, and she waives it around like a fairy queen. The game ends when the stick gets knocked out of her hand by the kid with new rollerblades who skated from six blocks away to show them off, and your step Dad defends her, asking you to grow up. Christmas returns to an awkward The Bad Proposal Spending the holiday working double-time at the video store has driven you nuts, and your extended family is arriving for three nights over Christmas. Its a classic situation. Your grandpa sits all day in front of the TV watch- ing the Vision Network, and gripes demands from anyone who will listen, while your step- grandparents either willingly help out in the kitchen or disappear when its time to relax. On Christmas morning, you find grandpa perky and awake sipping coffee, but notice the liquor cabinet is open and a bottle of yout mom’s fine scotch is sitting precatiously near the coffee maker. After walking the dog, you return to find everyone has joined your grandpa in seemingly good spirits around the tree. Your sister's boyfriend (Stew), gives you an action figure bottle of shampoo in the shape of a female WWE wrestler. You say thanks and put it next to your Mac Makeup gift certificate from your mom, and smile just the same noticing an ooze on your fingertips that must have leaked out of the wrestlers screw-neck. After Stew barrages the rest of your family with dollar store gifts, including a much appreciated Budweiser coffee mug for your grandpa, he proposes to your sister (from the couch), offering a tarnished mood ring he scored at the flea market. Your sister says yes, just to spite your stepdad, and pretends she’s excited. Ten minutes later your sister sends Stew packing with instructions never to talk to her again. Fetching your Grandpa for din- ner you see he’s passed out with the scotch on the table beside him. The Budweiser mug is in his lap, but it’s upright, and doesn’t account for the spillage in his lap. Grandpa’s relieved himself in your stepdad’s La-Z-Boy, and you share the laugh with your step grand- parents who in turn nearly relieve themselves in their own pants. On Boxing Day you go to Metrotown to snag some half-priced clothes and spot Stew going into Old Navy holding hands with his ex-girl- friend from high-school. She’s wearing the mood ring, SExY SEX WITH DR. SEX: Dr. Steven Sex & Dr. Marilyn Fairchild Dear Dr. Sex: I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend because I have realized that I am gay. She is an awesome gal, but her lack of penis was starting to get to me. No one knows yet, and I don’t know what the next step would be from here. I feel that I am proba- bly ready to explore my newfound sexuality with actual males, but I don’t have a clue as to how to build up the balls to even tell anyone. Now that I know that I am gay, how do I act on it? Gay And Yearning Dr. Steven Sex: So, you’ve switched teams over the holidays, eh GAY? No more opening of Xmas boxes, it’s all jingle balls from now on! Dr. Marilyn Fairchild: Well, GAY, it sounds like a good thing that you came to this realiza- tion, but it’s unfortunate that you had to break someone’s heart in getting to it. But, that being said, you still have a long road ahead in your ‘coming out’ process. Dr. Sex: But you don’t necessarily have to ‘come out’ before you go out and ‘come in’ any- one. You might want to test the waters before you take the plunge! Dr. Fairchild: Dr. Sex, I’m sure that GAY has already thought everything over extensively before dumping his long-term girlfriend. Now he has a lot of tough decisions and possible discrimination to deal with. = 4 2 THE OTHER PRESS JANUARY 15 2007 Dr. Sex: Honestly, I think that although still a difficult decision to make, ‘coming out’ of the closet has never been better for anyone. You can even get married, adopt babies...what more could you ask for?! Oh wait...probably the awesome excuse that you could make to a whiny partner before...it’s against the law to marry! Man, gays have it good now, but they had it better before. Marilyn, think of how happy, and all of the hassle we would have avoided, if all marriage were against the law! Dr. Fairchild: That’s true, Dr. Sex, but GAY is only ‘coming out’ now, and I am sure mat- riage and other rights are the last things from his mind. The first step to take is to tell some- one that you trust, and usually it is preferred to be someone outside of the family. If you are in school, there are support groups and counselors to confide in as well. They may offer a confidential atmosphere in which to first share your feelings. How you feel about telling someone for the first time may gauge your future discussions with others, influencing how, and whom, you tell. Dr. Sex: Or you could just shock everyone and march in the gay pride parade while greasing yourself with bananas! Dr. Fairchild: That is not the usually recommended course of action... Dr. Sex: Well, whatever you choose, may 2007 bring you, and everyone, a lot of action! Happy New Year!