humour / 22

 

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

Students protest
lack of inclusion for
non-puppy lovers

» Equal stress-reduction rooms demanded

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

very semester, Douglas

College introduces a
“puppy room’ during finals
as a way to curb stress
levels built up during final
exams. Students are invited
to play with puppies from
a local animal shelter as a
way to unwind—but not
everyone is happy about the
arrangements.

Business major Tom
Collins has launched an
informal complaint (in the
form of a Facebook status)
about the lack of inclusion
associated with the puppy
room. “Where are the
strippers? Where are the hot
waitresses who walk around

giving out free drinks? It’s just :

some yapping tiny dogs!”

A recent poll conducted
suggests that 101 per cent of
college students (with an
error margin of one per cent)

combat stress, emotions, and :
responsibilities using alcohol. :

Although a room providing
cocktails and beer was
supported by 101 per cent of
students (some voted twice),

the idea was shut down by the :
authorities in charge. At press :

time, students were drowning
their sorrows at one of the
many bars and liquor stores
located close to campus.

Many professors and
students alike were dismayed
to find there is no place in
the college where they can
take out their frustrations on
those who have disappointed
them. This list includes (but
is certainly not limited to)
the professor who never
emails you back, group
project members who
contribute nothing, students
who demand extensions
repeatedly, and that doofus
who’s always texting during
the lecture. Sadly, the “fight
club” room for patrons of the
college to hurt each other is
not talked about.

For a small marginalized
group of losers, discussing
their feelings and creativity
through original text is the
solution. This activity is
known as “writing” with
partakers being called
“writers.” Generally, these
writers combat their stress
by sharing pieces of writing
with professors and students
alike in workshops or the
official college newspaper.
Such activities are generally
known to only increase stress
levels and be psychologically
damaging forever.

Will you pay more for

theotherpress.ca

better elevator service?

» LiftLink plebiscite sparks controversy amongst Metro

Vancouver

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
i) humour

he announcement of an
upcoming LiftLink tax

plebiscite has Metro Vancouver :
citizens up in arms—and ready :

to vote.

“Tam very much against
it, though I can’t quite tell you
what it’s about!” said 34-year-
old Gregpor Robertson.

LiftLink—the official
company responsible for all
the elevators in the city—is
claiming the need for an
eight per cent tax on literally
everything in order to improve
the speed, regularity, and
general well-being of elevator
service.

“We just need more money :

if you want us to doa better
job,” said LiftLink CEO, E. Vil-
Guy.

However, despite Vil-Guy’s
solid argument, many citizens
are voicing their concerns over
the company’s poor history.

“LiftLink has been saying
for years that they would
improve service—but my
elevator is always crazy slow.
And it’s never on my floor
when I need it! And don’t even
get me started on their flopped

KompasKard system,” cried
: regular elevator rider, Ariana
: Grande.

Indeed, the KompasKard

: system—a long-awaited and
: long-defunct $78-billion

: project that LiftLink claimed
: would improve the efficiency of :
: elevator rides—is an excellent :
: example of LiftLink’s legacy of
ineptitude.

 

 

i
photo by Michelle Sweeney
“Eh, well, just forget about

that one,” said Vil-Guy, in
: Tesponse to questions about
:; the KompasKard.

The LiftLink plebiscite will

take place from April 1 to April
: 1, 2015, All registered elevator

riders in Vancouver are eligible

: to vote, and voting cards will
: be available at select secret
: locations.

 

Texts from my future child

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
i) humour

 

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy