humour / 22

theotherpress.ca

Local mountains making big
changes due to warmer winters

» No snow = new outlook

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

he warm weather we've had

over the past few winters has
gotten the owners of the local
ski mountains reconsidering the
potential uses of their sky-top
real estate.

With Mount Beymour being
closed for the most part of this
season, they’ve decided to cancel
all future plans of continuing as
a ski/snowboard area. Instead
they’ve elected to open up as
“sky-watching mountains” with
state-of-the-art telescopes and
guided astrological tours. Price
of admission, however, will
remain the same, and you can

for as little as $545.

Brouse Mountain was lucky
enough to receive some snow
this winter, but has also decided

: against remaining open to

: skiers and snowboarders. Ina

: recent press conference Brouse
: Mountain’s PR manager told

: the public, “It is an unfortunate
: necessity that Brouse will be

: closed to the public, but with

: our recent statistical analysis

: we have found that it would be
: more profitable to just sell our
: snow to the company 7-11 to

: use for their Slurpees.” Brouse

: Mountain also stated that they
: will remain open for all those

: who enjoy the thrill of riding

: their creaky and unstable

: gondola.

Cypass, on the other hand,

: has taken a more reasonable
: approach to the situation.
pick up a star-gazing season pass :

“We are not worried about

: snow for these future seasons,”

said Jane Oakridge, the head

: of the Cypass Management
: Committee. “We have been

: working nonstop to ensure that
: we will remain open for the

: entirety of the snowboarding

: season.” When asked how much
: of their budget would be going

: towards new snow-making

: machines, Oakridge looked

: confused.

: we mean at all. We've funnelled
: all of our budget into a team of

: professional snow summoners.

: They will be dancing 24/7 at the
: very peak of Cypass mountain

: to sway the storm-gods in our

: favour with their power crystals:

: these magical beings, however,
: it appeared that they had taken
: the advance payment given

: for the purchase of the “power

: crystals” and hitchhiked their

: way down the Trans-Canada

: highway.

“No, no, no, that’s not what

7

When we asked to meet

 

a} 7.11 oe ae
i : i

‘Photo Ilustration by Joel McCarthy

 

 

A review Of the Academy Awards

» In the style of ‘Mean Girls’

Mercedes Deutscher
Staff Writer

 

his past weekend, the

Academy Awards took
place, and they were so fetch!

Everyone showed up
dressed to impress, especially
if they went to 135. If not, they
could always try Sears.

While everyone on the
red carpet looked great, there
was some animosity between
guests, specifically Jennifer
Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

“Ex-boyfriends are off
limits to friends,” vented
Aniston. “That’s just, like, the
rules of feminism!”

While some drama
was present outside of the
movies, Jennifer Lawrence,
accompanied by Bradley
Cooper, urged her fellow actors
and actresses to be civil.

“I wish we could all get
along just like we did in film
school. I wish I could bake a
cake filled with rainbows and
smiles and everyone would eat
and be happy?” she begged.

Cooper responded, “Are
you even nominated?”

“No,” replied Lawrence. “I

; just have a lot of feelings.”

This year’s ceremony was

: hosted by none other than Neil
: Patrick Harris. However, NPH

: wasn’t the only one considered
to host the legendary show.

“Why should Neil get to

: stomp around like a giant,

: while the rest of us try not to
: get smushed under his big

: feet?” retorted Chris Rock.

: “What’s so great about Neil?
: Hmm? I’m just as smart as Neil. :
: People totally like me just as

: much as Neil. And when did
it become okay for just one

; person to be the host of this

: ceremony? Because that’s not
: what the Academy Awards are
: about. We should totally just
stab Neil!” :
After Rock was escorted out !
: by security, the awards began.

NPH started by warning

the audience and guests that

: behaviours similar to what had
: happened at the Grammys were :
; unacceptable. :

“Dont bea Kanye. Because

you will get booed. And die.”

The ceremony went on

smoothly. Julianne Moore

: proceeded to take home the

: Oscar for Best Actress. In her

: speech, she gave a shout-out to
: the audience—and some catty
: words to her fellow nominees.

so jealous of me,” said Moore,
: “But I can’t help it that ’'m
: popular.”

: for Best Animated Feature.

 

Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy

: aren't nominated!”

Best Picture was given to
: Birdman, as well as three other
: Oscars. Four for Birdman! You
: go, Birdman! And none for
Leonardo DiCaprio, bye.

: When later questioned on how
: the movie would have fared if

: The Lego Movie would have

: been nominated, director Don
: Hall responded, “Oh my god,

: you can’t just ask why movies

“I’m sorry that everyone is

Big Hero 6 won the Oscar