ALL
P Columnist

sramped closet space?

[he Students’ Union's Pride Collective has some
wondertul solutions. The Pride Collective meets
lednesdays at 4:00 in the Pride Resource Room
(Room 110 in the Students’ Union Buiding). All
lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered, allied and
questioning students are welcome.

Douglas Students’ Union
anadian Federation of Students Local 18

 

This has been a no-good-very-bad week. My
body decided that now would be a swell time
to shove my wisdom teeth up and out from the
tender unsuspecting meat of my gums. I
thought I had gotten off easy, as usually it’s in
your early twenties that these evolutionary
redundant third molars cause problems. I fig-
ured that finally there was a perk to being old.
Well, joke’s on me. Apparently there was no
extra good karma going around this week
(note to self: NEVER, EVER do anything nice
for anyone again.) When I woke up Monday
morning to the sensation of having had my
face pummeled from the inside, I was able to
confirm that life was going to continue to treat
me with open hostility. No matter, my dance
card’s open for the next 60 years and so I per-
severe.

Having said that, I would really like some-
one to come over and kill me. Mouth pain is
the most evil of all afflictions, with paper cuts
and, possibly, sties tied for second place. I have
had my tonsils out, carved my knee open and
fallen down drunk on a rusty old set of mat-
tress coils—but I have never experienced the
equivalent to what my poor mouth is being
subjected to. I had to accept the fact that
ignoring this was not going to make it go away.
I knew this was coming, and I would do any-
thing to go back in time to the year 2000 and
kick my own sorry ass. You see, two years ago
my dentist told me my wisdom teeth were
impacted and needed to come out. I was feel-
ing no discomfort and the thought of having
my jaws hacked open really didn’t appeal. He
warned me that I would probably start having
problems with the little buggers and I thanked

him for his advice as I walked from the office,
doing a lot of “those-crazy-dentists” eye-
rolling.

Replaying that day in my mind is like watch-
ing a bimbo in a horror movie, “Hmm, these
dark deserted woods look like the perfect place
to make out. No, I don’t hear anything. Let me
take off my shirt. Of course, I'll go on top.”
End scene. I want to scream, I am so shocked
at my own thick-headedness. Not only would
it have been a helluva lot less painful to remove
the teeth before they became rooted sideways
into my jaws, but I was a working stiff back
then AND I had full dental coverage. Christ, I
deserve to be hacked to death by a fornicating-
couple-hunting madman.

Now I am stuck dealing with this. Of course,
Douglas College is one of the few institutions
in BC that offers no dental or health benefits
to its students and so it stands to reason, I
would enroll here. Again, with the karma. And
so the drama continues as I begin the search
for a dental surgeon who is willing to take
installment payments from a woman with the
worst credit rating in all the land. (Yes, I said
“all the land”; I have a sash and a button to
prove it.) In the meantime, I have set up a trust
fund in my own name. Please feel free to con-
tribute generously and often. Worth noting is
the fact that I am desperate and lacking good
judgment—in short, I will do ANYTHING
for a buck. Find me in the Other Press room,
Ill be the one passed out on the funky (circa
early 90s) sofa. Unless it’s a Wednesday, then
that would be one of the OP groupies. See you
there.

broadeyeview@hotmail.com

 

Editorial Cartoon

J.J. McCullough
OP Cartoonist

abi