issue 09 // volume 42 humour // no. 23

BREAKING:
Lottery scandal

unveiled

» Millions in rage after truth told

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

Re and protests erupted
ate last Monday night

after Lotto Max founder Chris
Evans revealed a shocking
secret on his deathbed.

Evans had been terminally
ill for months leading up to
last Monday, and when it
seemed the doctors could do
nothing more to keep him
alive, Evans demanded to
be broadcast all across the
country as his last wish.

News and radio stations
across the United States
tuned in for the 30 seconds of
airtime, while others viewed
it by a live stream on YouTube.
Here is an exact transcription
of the man’s last words:

Evans, and I am the founder
of the largest lottery in the
world. I have a secret I would
like to reveal to you all, as my
last words in this life... No one
ever actually wins the lottery.”
Evans said, and the country
immediately erupted in shock.
7-118 were raided; their
lottery machines, torched in
the parking lots. Lotto kiosks
at malls were destroyed by
the hands of those who were
once customers. Amid all the
destruction, very few were
aware that Evans had not
actually finished his speech.

   

“Instead,” Evans said over

: the televisions, radios, and

: computer screens everywhere,

: “the bulk of the money that

: was paid by you fine people,

: mostly just $5 a week, has been
: going directly and completely

: to charitable organizations

: across the world. Each and every
: one of you has unknowingly

: contributed to the goodwill of

: our entire planet, and I think

: that that is the greatest prize of
: them all.” The broadcast ended,
: Chris Evans died at 95 years

: old, and the mobs grew larger.

“I was going to buy a

: helicopter!” shouted one angry
: charity-giver, with a bandana

: tied around his face and a

: Molotov cocktail in his hand.

: “I would have gotten so much

: ass if] had that helicopter!”

“This is an absolute

“Hello, all. My name is Chris travesty,” said charitable Good
: Samaritan Alexis Chan. “I did
: not spend all those dollars to

: help out needy and starving

: children halfway across the

: world! I spent that money

: because I wanted to be filthy

: rich and not have to work

: another day in my life! I’ve

: been stolen from, robbed!”

Meanwhile, charity

: organizations in third world
: countries were just getting

: the news that their funding

: was being cut: “Oh well,”

: said small and malnourished
: Abayomi Fofana. “We will

: make do with what we have.”

Image via thinkstock

Halloween ends, winter begins

» The common folk demand snowflakes and candy canes

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

ith the ending of

October, many
Vancouverites have found
themselves so totally over
autumn, pumpkin spice lattes,
and any leaves left on the
trees, no matter how colorful.

This sudden and abrupt

shift in philosophy came, as it

does each year, at the stroke of :

midnight on October 31. Many
Vancouver residents wandered
home in their costumes,
damning the crunchy leaves
beneath their feet, and
wishing for the sky to open
up and rain down a blizzard.

“T just don’t get what’s
taking so long,” said
Vancouver resident Jenifer
Jones during an interview
on November 2. “Autumn is
over, Halloween is done. Why
is it still mildly warm out?”

Jones was spending the
evening tearing down the
Halloween decorations that
covered her house, and was
replacing them with colorful
lights, fake snow, and festive
wreathes. “Never too soon
for Jesus,” Jones said.

Local Starbucks coffee
houses are also reporting
a shocking change in their
costumers, with angry mobs
forming outside the stores,
waving signs and burning
old jack-o’-lanterns.

“Down with pumpkin
spice!” the mob chanted late

 

 

: into the night. Evidently,

: they were demanding the

: immediate substitution of

: peppermint tea and eggnog
: hot chocolates before

: the night was done.

Local resident and

: mob member Elliot Wilson

: explained the fire that was

: burning in the hearts of

: each rioter: “We will not

: stand for this! Almost two

: months of waiting before we
: get another special occasion
: when we get to be drunk and
: act festive? Too long, I say.
Bring on Christmas now!”

Wilson speculated that

: it may be more than the

: calendars that are condemning
: the people to this “hellish

: nightmare,” as he put it. “It’s

: that Justin guy’s fault. He just

: wasn't ready, I guess. Now

: the common people pay the

: price. Give us some snow, oh

: powerful Prime Minister!”

Hilary Burton, active

   
  

: member of PACMIN (People

: Against Christmas Music

: In November) said that she

: is thrilled about Starbucks’

: resilience against negotiating
: with the mob. “You can’t give
: em anything.” Burton said

: about the mob. “The moment
: you do, those bastards will

: start wanting Santas in the

: malls, or Christmas trees in

: their windows. Before you

: know it, they’ll be demanding
: Halloween stores in January,
: or Flag Day all year round.”

i

Image via netflix

While PACMIN is

: firmly against any holiday

: starting early, they have a

: strong vendetta against early
: Christmases: “If I have to listen
: to that damn little drummer
: boy go ‘pu-rumpumpumpum’
: any sooner than what is

: culturally necessary, I may

; just get violent with some

: strategically licked candy

: canes,” Burton said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ODULMY

 

SALAD CROSS-DRESSING

— een

 

by David Manky