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Paterson vs. Ferguson

Darren Paterson and Brandon Ferguson, Sports Dudes

 

This week's issue: Do you feel that sex and beer still have a place

in modern sports?

Darren says: I firmly believe that
sex and beer have done their part
in the growth of modern sports
and that they are now expendable.

The only purpose of a tall, cool
Budweiser and some tall, budding
cheerleaders is to get people to the
game—but with ticket sales and
TV ratings booming in all sports,
that purpose is no longer there. We
no longer need a silver-bullet look
at Janet Jackson’s guns to sell the
Super Bowl. We no longer need a
Heine’ and a heiny to get people to
the basketball game.

With that in mind, the only
thing left is to take the sex and
beer that we used to increase the
popularity of sports like football,
football (the European one), bas-
ketball, hockey, and poker (well,
poker sort of did it on the sheer
value of the tense and exciting
matches), and move it to sports
that need a little something extra.
Everyone knows that, with the
steroid crackdown and all, baseball
is going to need all the help it can
get, so maybe add some cheerlead-
ers into the baseball diamond. Or
maybe help out women’s golf by
getting the fans nice and liquored
up before they watch Sorenstam
play the back nine in a mini-skirt.

All Pm sayin’ is that no one
goes to the game nowadays for the
over-priced beer and dumb-ass
cheerleaders. People go to the
game to watch the game. People
go to see over-paid athletes play
the sports we love at a level that we
will never attain. And, that said, I
think it’s time we trim the fat and
focus on giving people a better
product from within the sports
themselves.

Brandon says: I hardly think that sex
and beer are as intricately woven within
the fabric of sport as some people say
they are. It is simply analogous. Like
when I spill beer on my Cliff Ronning
Canucks jersey after a game of pick-up
hockey and then shed it to have some
really great post-hockey sex with the wife.

Sex, beer/drugs, and rock ’n’ roll have
been making sports better for decades.
The only thing sadder to me than loud-
mouthed fans who call out the players’
names like they were old friends, are the
buffoons who ogle the cheerleaders. But
you know what? Sometimes sports are
really slow. When the at-home viewer is
watching another emotional Canadian
Tire commercial, why not bring on the
babes? Beer and drugs have only
enhanced sport—would Canadian hockey
have reached such heights without the
promise of a post-game half-sack for
Maurice Richard? Or would Ross
Rebagliati have captured gold without the
fuzzy focus that only BC green can offer?
And rock ’n’ roll? My mullet stands on
end whenever AC/DC’s Thunderstruck tips
through The Garage.

Professional sports have tried to
covertly banish booze from events by
upping the prices to ridiculous levels,
while overtly increasing revenues on the
backs of our livers. But that’s at the arena.
For us poor folk who can barely afford
our habits, let alone $60 nosebleed tickets
to the game, there is no greater joy than a
two-four with a buddy while watching the
game on TV.

Beer and sex can market themselves
all they want. I’m hooked and I don’t
need a 30-second spot to convince me
further. Call me a Neanderthal, but
watching hockey with beer and celebrat-
ing a Canucks win with a conjugal visit
from the wife sounds way better than tea
and women’s golf followed by a lovely
chat about my feelings.

22 | www.theotherpress.ca

 

  
    
 

 

 

 

 

Donald says, “Never exercise in
boxer shorts...unless you're a
boxer, or a girl. But for the rest of
you, make note that tighty-whiteys,
while fashionably ‘out’, are sport-
ingly ‘in’.”

Send your sporty tip of the week to
DDP20@hotmail.com and remember,
guns are our friends.

 

 

You are not alone

The Students’ Union’s Pride Collective
provides resources for lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgendered students at the college. The Collective
meets Thursdays at 3:00 in room 328 in the students’
union building at the New Westminster Campus.
All lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered,
questioning and allied students are welcome.

Douglas Siete Union

Canadian Federation of Students Local 18

Match 23/2005