@ GSS

 

JUT

This just in: Ghost
Pop-Tarts are
now athing

> Boo-berry isn't a joke, it’s a serious threat

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

fter the thirteenth Pop-Tart
elated incident this month, the

Kellogg's company has finally issued a
statement regarding the alleged “Pop-
Tart Hauntings” that have plagued our
nation for the past three months.

According to reports, upon cating
untoasted Pop-Tarts, ghosts will pop
out of the satished customer's stomach
and berate them with constant booing
and chain rattling until the customer
calls an exorcist, or politely asks for the
ghost to leave. Linda Erickson, Kellogg's
heacl of Public Relations, gave a speech
last Monday addressing the issue.

“We are deeply sorry forall the
chaos our products have caused over the
past 13 weeks," said Erikson. “We hope
our customers will forgive us, but we
must say this: We fuckin’ told you so."

According to Erikson, Kellogg's has
been warning consumers for years that
they would suffer if they failed to toast
their Pop-Tarts, as product was made to
be enjoyed toasted and not caten “raw”

“We told people over and over
through many different advertising
campaigns that Pop-Tarts had to be
toasted. Qur first mascot was a talking
touster, people, Now those who have
failed to follow our instructions will sutter
due to the ghosts we have purchased."

According toa press release issued
in 2009, Kellogg's purchased a thousand
gallons worth of ghosts in 2008 from the
Walt Disney Company in exchange for
an undisclosed amount of Raisin Bran.

 

“We procured the ghosts in the
hopes of promoting our new Rice
Krispics Halloween squares, but quickly
discovered that ghosts refuse to boned
with something so crispy and delicious,
So, we did what any company would
do: Shoved them into the basement
and waited until we thought of a
better idea for how to use them,”

The ghosts sat in the basement
for nine years until the advertising
department rediscovered them while
looking for their Corn Flake pifatas anel
decided to try to make some use of them,

“The advertising agency decided
to use the ghosts to solve our most
important problem,” said Erickson,
“Keeping people from cating Pop-Tarts
straight out of the package, instead of
toasting them first, The company spent
a whole year convincing the ghosts te
inhabit the Pap-Tarts, and only haunting
those who refused to toast them,”

“Lelon't care what they say, saicl Joc
Herren, local Mountain Dew Drinker
World “Champion,” on his way home with
50 boxes of Pop-Tarts, “I don't have time
for, norde | understand, toasters, | will
never give up how Leat these things,”

“We encourage everyone to finally
listen tous, lest they be haunted
forever,” said Errickson, “Read the
instructions before use, it’s right
there on the gellar bex,”

Errickson then had to be
dragged away from the podium in
order to keep her from damaging
the wood with her pounding fists,

Jee Herren could not be foun for
a follow-up interview and has since

heen presumed dead by local police,

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly

 

i An open letter to the OC

Have an idea for a story?
Ae eeu e)an ig eter ier|

Minnesota leaves United States,
joins Canada

And more!

Team Canada takes
home record number
of participation
awards at 2018
Winter Olympics

> Go Canada Go!

Jillian McMullen
Staff Writer

  
  
   

 

: Olympics
are a time of
coming together
to celebrate the
talent borne
out of each
participant
nation, The
competing
athletes are
the best of
the best in
their sport,
having
trained
their entire
lives for the
chance to stand
on the Olympic
podium and hear
their national anthem : >, =,
played. Canada’s strength eX the
in winter sports is world- badges
renowned, and our teams have and no
won gold in some of the most highly- previous records
anticipated matches of the games, existed, Team Canada was a front-
mostly notably curling. Although we runner throughout the games. They
have seen fewer gold medal wins at this captured a total of 195 badges across
year's games in comparison to previous — the 14 sports in which they competed,
years, the Canadian players have leagues ahead of the next nation who
broken records for highest number only received 42. Even countries with
of participation badges recieved. warmer climates whose athletes could
The Olympic committee decided only train in facilities with fake snow,
to begin handing out the badges and who had never participated in the
after they noticed unsuccessful winter games, were unable to match
athletes were falling into deep, dark the Team Canada’s historic losses.
depressions after the games. In an Mary Margaret, who grew up in
interview with the Other Press, Paul Whistler BC, became a houschold
Palemen, director of the committee's name after she disastrously stuck
outreach initiatives, explained the landing of her ski jump not
how they hoped the badges would on her skis, but on her face.
help dull the embarrassing pain of “Yeah, the landing hurt, but the
losing on the international stage. mockery that came afterwards hurt
“When you lose at the Olympics, more,” she said. “I'm glad that after
the entire world is watching,” he said. years of training, | still get to bring
“Your loss is translated into hundreds home something to show my mom.
of different languages, replayed over She'll be so proud... well, sort of."
and over again in slow motion, with One of Team Canada’s lead
commentators analysing every wrong coaches, Jim Jiminy, said he was proud
move, It can be tough, so we're hoping of what the nation had accomplished.
these participation badges will act as “Sometimes you win, sometimes
a reminder that those athletes aren't you lose, Often, we only celebrate
a total disgrace to their country.” the wins, so | think it's great that
Although this was the first year for we're pointing out the losers, too.”

Image via JonesAwards.com