humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca Vancouver pub offers crazy Caesar garnish: Hope, Love > New pub has taken tops for greatest garnish Chandler Walter Assistant Editor hile Vancouver is known for its trendy pubs, cool bars, and enticing dining experiences, nothing says “Canadian city” better than sipping on a cold Caesar. A Caesar—the Canadian one-up of a Bloody Mary—can be garnished by various vegetables, mostly green beans, celery, or pickles. However, some pubs offering the tomatoey beverage have gotten bold in what they stick atop these salty specials. What was once considered to be the epitome of great garnishes could be found at the Score on Davie, where they load a cheeseburger, onion rings, brownie, French fries, hotdog, and a milkshake all onto an extra-large Caesar. This garnish—known fondly as the “Checkmate Caesar’—held top spot in the unspoken competition, until Silly Caesar’s opened up next door. “We really just want to make it a fun experience for everyone,” said Silly Caesar’s owner Brutus Eetoo. “We saw that people were getting really excited about the things that were going on top of these drinks, and we decided to get into the market.” At Silly Caesar’s, they do not top drinks with full meals like at the Score, but instead take a different approach. “Each Caesar is unique in its own way, just like each one of our customers,” Eetoo said. “When they Photo by celtic1883 via Reddit order a drink here, we have a series of questions that we ask before we even begin mixing the ingredients.” Patrons at the bar have left delighted with their garnishes, which How to get a Tinder date > The ultimate guide to app dating Jessica Berget Staff Writer he world of Tinder is a vast and horrifying place where people seek refuge for their genitals. Whether you want to get laid or find a meaningful relationship, Tinder is the perfect place to do it. It can be difficult at times, so to relieve your anxieties here are some tips on how to dominate the dating world and become the ultimate Tinder master. Choose the right pictures The pictures you display on your Tinder bio are the first impression you give to all of Tinder, so they better be good, or you shall meet your doom with The Left Swipe. They say the eye is the window to the soul, so a few close-up pictures of your eyeball will surely woo any potential slam piece within 50 kilometres of you. Show them your vulnerable side by taking a picture of yourself on the toilet, or you can show your dark and mysterious side by taking a selfie with the lights off. Nothing is more hot and mysterious than not showing your face. Make a good bio Bios are the most essential part of the Tinder experience. People want to get to know you before they bang (or, alternatively, date) you, so say something about yourself. Opening with your worst fears and anxieties will not only show your sensitive side, it also says to other people that you are strong and not afraid to show your true emotions. Pro-tip: eighteenth century English is the most romantic of all the Englishes, so use words like “hark,” “behold,” and “thou” constantly. It also helps to write your bio in all caps, as it will capture your future bae’s attention and illustrate the fact that you are always yelling. Something like “HARK! I AM AFRAID I WILL NEVER FALL IN LOVE? or “BEHOLD! EGGS TERRIFY ME” are just some examples of the perfect Tinder bio. Message first One of the problems plaguing Tinder occurs when you both swipe right, but never initiate a conversation. Before you go ona date with this person, you should get to know them, right? Open with something witty and charming. Something along the lines of “What’s up, dork?” or “Is your pussy tight?” will do just fine. It shows that youre quirky and easy to talk to, or that you are very passionate about the scientific field of gynaecology. Following the rule that eighteenth century English is the most romantic, something like “HARK! AN ATTRACTIVE SPECIMAN’” will also work. If you're not good with words, a gif of someone fingering a piece of fruit will definitely get their attention, and likely their phone number as well. I mean, who doesn’t love fruit? If this doesn’t grab their attention at first, proceed to message them repeatedly until they are forced to converse with you. Then, follow the next step. Keep the conversation flowing Nobody likes a boring Tinder conversation, so keep things light and keep your potential fuck buddy on their toes by asking them intimate and personal details about their life. Asking for their credit card number not only illustrates that you don’t care about shallow things like their weight or their height, it also shows you care about range from treasure maps to board games to more abstract concepts, such as the feelings of hope and love. “It was amazing,” said customer Eric Kosumer. “I had just gotten through a rough breakup, and so when my Caesar arrived with a rolled up motivational “You can do it!’ poster—you know, with the cat?—I was really pleased.” Most notable of all the garnishes that have come out of Silly Caesar’s in the day and a half that they have been open was in the form of a large box placed precariously atop a bucketful of the tomato and clam cocktail. “T had ordered the Mega Extra Super Caesar, I think it was called,” said Mary Bludie, who had gone to the bar earlier in the day. “Sitting on top was this big brown box, and I had no idea what it was until, well until it started barking.” Bludie found much more than just a refreshing beverage, as she opened her garnish to find not one, but three corgi puppies awaiting her. “I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even have a chance to drink my Caesar!” she said, while on a walk with her new furry friends. “Before ordering that Caesar I was lonely, sad, and a raging alcoholic. Now I’m happier than I’ve ever been!” The Score on Davie declined to comment. Image via Thinkstock your their financial security. You don’t want to appear desperate in moments like these, so repeatedly reminding your match that you absolutely do not want to bang them, followed by comparing them to different kinds of frogs will get you laid almost immediately. Tinder can be both confusing and terrifying, but follow these tips and you will be earning yourself a one-way ticket to Pound Town in no time, my friend. Good luck!