Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with better
news coverage and put three writers
out of work, The Other Press presents
Live Wires, the best news stories from
around the world that we could print
for pennies on the dollar.

Edited By Liam Britten, Humour
Editor

Canadian Army secures second-
hand catapults from Byzantine
Empire

Minister of National Defence

Peter MacKay announced that

the government had just inked a
deal with the Byzantine Empire to
secure 40 second-hand catapults to
upgrade the nation’s armouries.

“With a range of over 300
metres and the capability to fire
both lead shot or loose stone,
these new catapults will finally
put Canada on the same level as
many other international powers,”
the Minister said. “The Thracians,
Spartans, Visigoths, and even the
Huns will have to respect Canada’s
military might now.”

Although the Minister was
optimistic about the future of
Canada’s new medieval weaponry,
the memory of Canada’s ill-fated
purchase of broken-down British
submarines is still fresh. MacKay
said that while the new arms are
needed, it was important to make
sure the Byzantines were playing
fair.

“While the Canadian
government has great faith in
the honesty and integrity of his
majesty and his sakellarios and
strategos, we have to do our
due diligence,” MacKay said.

“His majesty has agreed that

if the catapults are found to be
in unacceptable condition, his
government will surrender four

galleons to Canada, loaded with
spices and silks from the exotic
Orient, as well as the Despotate of
Epirus.”

—Associated Associates

Diablo III lives up to expectations
of disappointed expectations
With over 7 million players
enjoying their newest game, and
over 6 million of them completely
pissed off, Blizzard Entertainment
is calling their latest offering,
Diablo II, a complete success.

The game has been plagued
by technical problems, some
preventing play entirely, as well
as controversy over digital rights
management issues.

These problems have
completely vindicated the game
in the eyes of most industry
observers.

“A game with as much
anticipation and expectations
associated with it like Diablo
II will always disappoint the
legions of nerds who stake their
entire well-being on it living
up to an impossible standard,”
wrote PostMedia blogger Patrick
O’Rourke. “But this game has
just about every dork, nerd, spaz
geek and career masturbator up in
arms. I mean, we expected most
of them would be, but this many?
Didn’t see that coming. A complete
triumph.”

Blizzard’s next project is
rumoured to be a World of
Warcraft-style game adapted for
the Diablo universe. Blizzard plans
to release it in 2017 to increase
expectations even further, and
hopes to achieve 90 per cent
disappointment.

—QMIWIF

DA ease ae
eat: ew

21

 

 

 

Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Don’t let things bother you

today. Just live in the future. That
presentation that was worth 45 per
cent of your final grade certainly
won't matter 100 years from now.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Find a wide-open field to frolic
in today. You should also wear a
white dress even if you’re a male.
That way, you'll be prepared

for your starring role in an old
sanitary napkin commercial.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Tap into some electrifying energy
today by sticking your finger in a
light socket. It may be the last burst
of energy you'll ever get!

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

A stranger is just a friend you
haven't met. So go ahead, pick
up that hitchhiker on the side of
the road! I’m sure that “Stabby
the Clown” is just an affectionate
nickname.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

You're taking off to the stars today!
Those mad scientists needed
another temp agency worker for
their space experiment. On the
bright side, you'll meet some
wisecracking robots!

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Hmm. It appears that after trying
my Perfectly Legitimate™ Chinese
spring cure, you’ve been turned
into the opposite gender. Get ready
for some wacky misadventures
and an ongoing romantic subplot
that won’t end until the final
chapter of your life.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Your words have a lot of power
today. But don’t get too cocky.
Another infamous person’s
words had a lot of power behind
them as well. That old lady that
said “Where’s the Beef?” is still
influencing young people’s fast
food choices across the globe.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

It’s time to get out of the

dirt. I know you think living
aboveground is too mainstream,
but I’ve also heard that the moles
you ve been living with have been
complaining about you not paying
your share of the rent.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Don’t wait for someone else
to make the first move. You’re
playing a game of Solitaire.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Today can bring anything, but just
not the dry, hot sun over the Lower
Mainland.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Make sure that you do everything
equally today. For every old lady
you help cross the street, you'll
have to push the same number of
old ladies into traffic.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

Now’s the time to stop and rest
a while. Midterms won't be for
another week and a bit. Try to
invent a new drinking game!

With files from Livia Turnbull.

21