news News to Peruse, Amuse, and Confuse Brandon Ferguson, Fake News Editor Kerry Feeling Election Buzz In what political analysts are coining as a “cool development in the Kerry camp,” Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry has appar- ently found his personality. And its got flavour. There was a noticeable swagger to the Junior Senator’s step on the campaign trail as the “Believe in America” tour reached Chicago Tuesday, five days after the table-top dancing and arm wrestling that defined a fundraising event held in Akron, Ohio—where most observers agree that Kerry found his new groove. Kerry missed a morning address at Grant Park, opting instead to sleep in, watch cartoons, and enjoy a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s. He was later unavailable for press access, though the presidential hopeful was ¥ spotted downing pints of Kilkenny at Jilly’s Pub. He had won the pints play- i ing quarters with local patrons. Ss Said Nader-supporter-turned- Kerry-homey Jamal Jenkins, 23: “My man JK came rolling up at me, hit me wit some skin and was like ‘How y’all living, my man? Keeping it proud and proper?’ I was like, shit, this white boy’s alright.” Long charged as being too rigid, stale, and dull for a media driven populace, this new laissez faire Kerry is gaining popularity and momen- tum. The horse-faced man has finally hit his stride—and Gallop polls show that the kids are diggin’ it. In a poll conducted August 26-29, the Democrat has risen six points in the polls, showing that voters are in favour of the new-and- improved Kerry. Coaxed into comment through a complimentary Kilkenny served cold, Kerry commented on his new cool. “You see, man,” Kerry cooed, slurping down some Irish pride, “some days you just wake up and your pants fit right, your hair combs itself, and you’re just chilling no matter what you come across.” “Look people,” he added, despite only addressing me, “we can’t be so worried all the time about having a moron in power. People aren’t stupid. Do I have to go on and on about the lies he’s told, the webs he’s spun? People know we need a change, so I’m just kicking back and wait- ing for the tide to turn.” He added: “I’m John Kerry and I endorsed this conversation,” before asking for the promised pint. Republicans were quick to counter Kerry’s discovery, claiming it was just another example of flip-flopping. Asked an incredulous White House Spokesperson, Scott McLellan, “He doesn’t have a personality; he has a personality—which is it? The President, like the American peo- ple, is confused and wants a clear answer to this question.” When contacted at Kerry-Edwards headquarters, campaign manag- 6 | ObnEPPFeSs er Mary Beth Cahill—who was barely audible over the merengue music and glass clinking—laughed at the White House assertion. “What a bunch of knobs, gee whiz, I tell you,” she offered through giggles. “If that’s the best they can offer, then so be it. You tell them that JK isn’t swimming in flip-flops and cheap shots; he’s strolling down the beach in flip-flops and surf shorts. And tell them we don’t appreci- ate all the wire taps, either—bunch of perverts.” When contacted at Bush-Cheney headquarters, campaign manager Ken Mehlman retorted—loudly and over a crackling backdrop of merengue music and glass clinking—‘T know they are, but what am I?” Bickering between camps is at an all-time high, and though the recent rise in polls has given the Kerry side reason to rejoice, it’s caused the Bush party Republicans plenty of pain from the Ass. Not surprising, says CNN Crossfire co-host Tucker Carlson, a bow-tied and bright-eyed political com- mentator of Republican persuasion. “The Democrats had all the fuel in the world to add to the fire, but they went and nominated a stiff. The man looks late for his own funeral. Now, he’s suddenly alive and showing a hint of a pulse, and the young voters are running to him.” Carlson added: “For four years the Republicans have been running simple, slow-witted charm against uni- health care, reform, international diplomacy and accounta- bility—and they’re winning. If the Democrats ever stop sending deadbeats for President, the Republicans would be in trou- ble.” There are now rumblings that Kerry’s staff may be starting his day with a little Irish coffee. “Normally the man reeks of aristocracy,’ said an anonymous source close to the Kerry-Edwards camp. “Now he reeks of Cutty Sark.” Found hours later, still at Jilly’s, Kerry denied the accusations vehe- mently. “Look people,” he said, this time addressing no one in particular, “T’m living my life, and ain’t nobody gonna tell me to do differently. I served my country honourably in Vietnam, and they attack that. I’ve spoken out on serious issues in tumultuous times, and they attack that. Now I’m embracing my fun side and seizing the moment, and they’ll attack that too. The President is jealous that I’m attempting to do what he can’t: run an effective and thoughtful government, and share a pint with my mates without getting blotto.” “If they have a problem with that, well, then P’ve got a two-point solution for them,” Kerry said, balling his two creamy-white hands into fists. “I call them thunder and lightning, and one always follows the other.” With that, Senator Kerry punched at the air. “Look people,’ he said, addressing me alone, “I’m living the American Dream and having a blast doing it. I love my country and I love the American people. Most of all, though, I love you man. Gimme a hug, dude!” versal tax