issue 6 // volume 43 humour // no. 23

 

y

>

Exhausted
Douglas student
sights God
outside Subway

> Encounter took place after
the student’s third consecutive

day without sleep

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

he religious community

is buzzing and many
assumptions about our world as
we know it are being challenged
by the alleged sighting of
God Himself by Douglas
student Adam N. Steve.

“T definitely saw im,”
slurred Steve in an interview
on Monday. “He was like—He
glowed? He glowed. It was
outside Subway, He had...

He was eating a foot-long
Prime Rib Melt. It was epic.”

According to Steve’s
testimony, he was approaching
his 73rd consecutive hour
without sleep due to
school, work, and social
responsibilities. As he had a
cold, he was also under the
influence of “probably lethal
amounts of Advil and Benadryl,
honestly.” He’d gone to Subway
with the intention of getting a
sandwich and five large coffees,
and found God instead.

“He was a chill dude,” said
Steve. “Just asked me if I had
a quarter for the bus, an’ I did,
an’ He was like ‘thanks kid’ an’
I was like ‘no problem God’
and he was like ‘Jesus Christ
are you high’ an’ I said ‘I’m
not Jesus. God, kinda thought
you would know that.”

Steve’s account of his
encounter with God has

made him very popular
amongst some members of
the religious community, and
a pariah amongst others.

“Tt’s the sign we've all been
waiting for) said evangelist
Terry Cross. “Sure, the Rapture
didn’t happen—both times—
and there are nonbelievers out
there who still make fun of
us for ‘telling everyone you'd
packed your bags for heaven,
Terry, can’t wait to see you at
the next PTA meeting, but this
is a sign. He’s walking among
us, and He has appeared to us
in a form we can understand.”

“It’s blasphemist nonsense,
is what it is,” said Father Peter
Rock at a press conference
over the weekend. “Sadly we
cannot excommunicate Adam
N. Steve as he is not a member
of the Catholic faith. I checked.
Twice. But we do not endorse
his claims in the slightest.’

When asked if his
experience made Steve
a believer, his answer
was noncommittal.

“I mean, I guess I kind
of do and I kind of don’t,” he
said. “'m gonna try sleeping
on it. Thanks to all the media
coverage, I still haven’t had a
chance to even catch a nap.

I might just... | might just lie
down here. Goodnight.”

Steve promptly curled up in
his seat and fell asleep, leaving
many questions unanswered.

Image via Thinkstock

Douglas Ath]

ao

etics Department Starts

   

Image via TheSun.co,uk

 

up exciting new Clown-Hunters Club

> Inspired by the alarming appearance
of scary clown sightings in BC

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

ast week the Douglas Athletics

Department announced the
formation of a new sports club:
The Douglas Clown-Hunters.

“I thought it up a few nights

ago while lying in bed with all
the lights on and a baseball bat
at the ready,” said club leader
Francis Ulysses Klaunz. “I mean,
the scary clowns thing was kind
of funny when it was happening
well south of the border, but
they’re in Surrey now. The last
thing Surrey needs is a scary
clown invasion, am I right?”
The Clown-Hunters have
described their sport as “a
mega-huge intense game of
full-contact manhunt,” and

often play in large groups armed

with bats, crowbars, pepper
spray, and electric flyswatters.

“It’s a good way to get ina
workout while saving the city
from a real-life /t situation, ya
know?” said Douglas Clown-
Hunter Artemis Brown. “It’s
fun, it’s safe... well, for us.
Probably not for the clowns.”

The club has not been
formed without controversy,
however. Critics have compared
it to “the angry mob with
pitchforks that went after
Frankenstein’s Monster” and
“a bunch of vigilantes with
weapons and a vendetta against
clowns.” Some students have
even reported feeling unsafe
around the Clown-Hunters.

“I get cold sweats when |
think I might have over-applied

blush,” said one student. “Like,
what are their standards for what
constitutes a clown? Am I allowed
to make jokes? Wear polka dots?
Put a scary mask over my face
and a frazzled red wig so I can
creep around people’s houses

late at night like an asshole?
Where is the line drawn?”

So far the club has yet to
catch any clowns, but that hasn’t
dampened their enthusiasm.

“It’s just like any other
sports club,’ said one member,

a section editor for the Other
Press with an intense fear of
clowns who prefers to remain
anonymous. “You know, we

do stretches and exercises, go
out for beers, order pizza, hunt
clowns. It’s really all in the spirit
of good fun, and—IS THAT A
FUCKING CLOWN? DIEEEE!”

 

 

 

 

©

By David Manky, Senior Columnist

U
A