humour // no. 22

 

Compass card SkyTrain
barriers finally see action

» Thousands trapped on first day of implementation

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
®& humour@theotherpress.ca

Tnink has decided to
put into action the barrier
gates that have been installed
at SkyTrain stations across
Vancouver, to the demise of
many.

Vancouverites have spent
months walking past the
curious little gates marked
“Compass Card” without giving

very day those gates slammed
shut, many were taken unaware.
“I just couldn’t figure
out what to do,” said Sharon
Nexton. “There was just no
open space to go through.”
Nexton is one of the many
SkyTrain passengers who had
no idea how the Compass Card

for free on the trains.

Now, in the eleventh hour
of what news outlets and social
media worldwide are calling
SkyTrain Gate-Gate, it is clear

: just who these riders were,

: as every one of them is stuck
: behind the Compass Card

: barrier, with no hope in sight.

“It’s terrible,” said Nexton.

: “There’s nothing left to do but
: travel. I’ve gone to Waterfront
: and back about 15 times.”

Each and every SkyTrain

: station from Vancouver to

: Surrey has the same horrific

: scene: thousands of commuters
: eager to get to their homes

: lined up at the SkyTrain gates,

them much thought, though the waiting.

The Salvation Army arrived

shortly after what is being

: called The Great Closing,

: offering granola bars and juice
: boxes to those who have gone
: more than an hour or two

: without sustenance.

“It’s truly heartbreaking

to see. All those people lined
worked, and decided to just ride ; UP, hoping for someone to help
: them,” said volunteer Chanel
: Mills. “I just don’t know what

: more we can do for them.”

Translink has turned a

: blind eye on the situation,

: issuing a short press release

: stating: “Really? Guys, we've

: spent months and millions of

: dollars trying to educate people
: on these cards... it’s really not

: all that difficult.”

Protesters have gathered

: outside SkyTrain stations,

: urging TransLink to put an end
: tothe Compass Card system

: and let the people go home.

: This dire situation hit hard

: for protester Jake Tharns, as

: he says his sister is trapped

: behind the barriers. “It’s an

: impossible system. We aren’t all
: rocket scientists, TransLink
: He shouted, which prompted

: achant from the angry crowd,

: “To Compass Cards, we say no!

: Let these poor people go!” They
: continued chanting long into

: the night.

Tad

A few of the stranded

: commuters were asked why they
: didn’t just go through the gate

: after someone witha Compass

: Card had opened it, and every

: one of them said: “That would

: be wrong.”

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Green Party sweeps election

» New Green majority leads Canada into uncertain waters

Mercedes Deutscher
News Editor
Si news@theotherpress.ca

n a surprising twist during

Monday’s election, Elizabeth
May and the Green Party
claimed a majority government,
establishing the event as the
most unexpected moment in
the history of Canadian politics.

“I didn’t actually expect to
get more than a couple of seats
in the House of Commons,” said
Prime Minister Elizabeth May,
“what do I do?”

Heading into Election Day,
the Liberal Party led in the
polls, with the Conservative
Party and NDP trailing close
behind.

It proved an opportunity for
the Green Party. Figuring that
every Canadian and their dog
was tired of hearing Trudeau,
Harper, and Mulcair battle it
out, May adapted a radical new
slogan for her party.

“Not The Other Three
Guys” took over social media
within hours, with the hashtag
#MayBePM gaining massive
attention.

However, despite the
Internet having a massive

: impact on Monday’s unexpected :
: results, May still approaches

: the Internet with caution: “I

: heard from somewhere that

: the signals transmitted from

: Wi-Fi have the potential to be
: cancerous. As Prime Minister,
: it is of upmost importance to

: protect Canadian people from
: this risk.”

All Canadians can

expect to receive their

: own complimentary roll of

: aluminum foil in the mail,

: along with simple instructions
: on how to construct their own
: hats with the foil.

As aresult of the Green

: Party rising to power, all of

: Canada’s natural resources

: restored themselves within

: hours of the new government’s :
: establishment. Air pollution has :
: already reduced itself by 70 per:
: cent,

In order to get some sort

: of say in federal policy, the

: Liberal, Conservative, and New
: Democratic parties have formed
: an unprecedented coalition.

“This election really

: showed us that we’ve spent so
: much time arguing amongst

: ourselves that we’ve lost touch
: of what Canada wants,” says

: Thomas Mulcair. “Perhaps

: Steve, JT, and I can bury the old :
: hatchet. Get some beers. Try

: to rebuild together in order to
: defeat the Green Party.”

Even with the new coalition

: formed by the opposing three
: parties, the scale of the Green
: Party’s power is still much

? stronger.

So what is Canada’s future

: under a Green government?

“Debt. And lots of it!”

: explained Prime Minister May.
: “We have to pay for all of our

: election promises somehow.

: You didn’t expect us to pay for
: all those environmental and

: educational initiatives without

 

photo illustration

: running a massive deficit, did

> you?”

: Prime Minister May looked
: away nervously and continued,

: “After all, all politicians honour
: their election promises, don’t

: they?”