Shis issue:

(Y Real-talk wisdom from the PornHub comments section

(Y ‘But what if | like rotting vegetables in my trash?’

(Y Disney princesses can be role models, too...

And more!

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www.theotherpress.ca

 

Religious extremists target
New Westminster business

» Local New Tortellini Factory attacked by radical Pastafarians

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

avoc erupted late last
Monday evening at New

Westminster's favourite noodle :

restaurant, as radicalized

Pastafarians demanded respect

for their religion.

Two suspects, a male and
a female, entered the New
Tortellini Factory at roughly
3:30 p.m. and promptly began

causing mayhem, leaving many :

at the scene outraged and
traumatized.

“It was like a horror
movie,’ witness Jessica Evans
told us shortly after the event
occurred. “I was just trying
to enjoy my plate of linguini,
and then those two maniacs
walked in and began shouting
about their religious beliefs. I
was lucky to escape with my
leftovers.”

The two Pastafarians
in question were evidently
outraged when they saw people
enjoying entrées of an un-
noodly variety, and demanded
retribution for their delicious
creator.

“This is a building of
worship! That which you eat

: is the body of our saviour,

: and all be damned who reject
: His Holy sauciness,” the male

: suspect was heard yelling at

: the start of the ordeal. After

: that, he smashed the plates of:
: an elderly couple that had been :
: dining on steak and potatoes.
: “It is the nourishment of the

: damned,” he screamed in

: their faces, shortly before the

ay a

: majority of the customers
: began fleeing the scene.

Authorities arrived

promptly and encircled the
: area, blocking off traffic for
: two city blocks and advising

all pedestrians to stay ata

: distance.

“There's really no telling

what radicalized religious folks
: like these will do when their

 

: beliefs are questioned,” said

: police chief Joshua Danniellis.
: “But we do not negotiate with
: terrorists. We'll have to hold
tight and let the higher ups

: figure this all out.”

The encirclement lasted

long into the night, during :
: which time a candlelit vigil was :
: held on the streets surrounding :
: the restaurant, in memory of

: the elderly couple’s destroyed
: dinners.

Local Pastafarians

: expressed their outrage and

: shock at those who would

: commit such crimes under the
: name of their religion. Shortly
: after the incident occurred,

: the Church of the Spaghetti

: Monster released a statement

: to the press: “We want people

: everywhere to know that this

: is not the Pastafarian way. We

: love and accept foods of all

: types, and in no way would

: discriminate against those who
: do not hold similar religious

: beliefs regarding breakfast,

: lunch, or even dinner. We

: reject the actions of the two

: people in question, as the only
Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy : dogma allowed i the Church
: of the Spaghetti Monster is the
: rejection of dogma.”

Later that night, the

military arrived and stormed
: the New Tortellini factory

: to apprehend the suspects.

: It has been reported that an
: estimated 13 dinners went

> cold, with three tables, 12

chairs, and four forks being
destroyed in the confrontation:

: the staggering price of a
: Pastafarian insurgence.

 

Ten simple facts that will make

Jacey Gibb
The Peak (NUW)

o

Te is a merciless bandit,
perpetually thieving away
your youth until you’re nothing
but a corpse rotting away
underground. Get ready to

really feel your age with these 10
facts that are so wild, it’s hard to

believe they’re true!

1. The series finale of
NBC sitcom Friends aired
almost 1 years ago, on May
6, 2004.

2. Macaulay Culkin, child
star of the Home Alone
films, Richie Rich,and My
Girl, turns 35 this year.

3. After 15 nudge-and-
emoji-filled years, the

biggest time sponge from
your childhood, MSN
Messenger, quietly ceased
operations entirely last year.

you feel instantly old!

4. That milk you just
bought? It’s going to expire
soon.

5. There will bea time
where it becomes no longer
feasible for you to light a :
candle on your birthday cake :
for every year older you're
turning. It'll be nothing but:
candles shaped like numbers :
for you because anything

else will bea fire hazard.

6. Last Tuesday was
already a week ago.

7. Close your eyes and
then open them back up

again. You're now older than
you were seconds ago.

8. Everyone who is
younger than you right now
will always be younger than
you, no matter what.

9g. Anewepisode of the
original animated children’s
TV show Babar hasn't

aired in 24 years. What do
you mean, “What’s Babar?”
He was an elephant king or
something. Remember? He
had a crown and always wore
this green suit. Nothing?
Seriously? Oh, come on!

10. Youre already several
minutes older than you were
when you started reading
this list.

 

eencai

Still of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone (1990)