oo 2// vol 46

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So you hav

» Oh come on, it’s not so bad!

Craig Allan
Contributor

 

o you have to go to the Douglas College
Coquitlam campus for classes.

Sure, the New Westminster campus
is more centrally located and has a Pizza
Garden nearby, but that doesn’t mean it’s
any better than Coquitlam. The David Lam
campus has tons of great stuff going for it.
No really, I swear!

First, begin your journey taking the
SkyTrain all the way to Production Way
University. Then enjoy a trip to Sperling-
Burnaby Lake as you get on the wrong
train, because who actually pays attention
when taking public transit?

After a journey much longer than it
should be, you finally reach the end of
the line where the David Lam campus is
located. What’s that feeling in your legs
and back? That’s the sensation of walking
upright as you will have a barely noticeable
slight incline to school, unlike the climbing

expedition you have to take every time
you ascend mount Eighth Street. Enjoy
that feeling for a couple of minutes,
because while there is no hill to climb
the Coquitlam campus still has the one
thing that binds the institution of Douglas
College together—an ass load of stairs!
Your first class will provide you with
the one advantage Coquitlam has over New
Westminster, and that is the view. Where
the New Westminster campus gives you
boring views of the back side of the Anvil
Centre, the David Lam campus gives you
stunning views of Town Centre Park and
the lush green grounds of Coquitlam. This
will make you feel sad that you do not get
to enjoy the stunning beauty that is the
geography of the Coquitlam campus, as you
are stuck in biology class. How ironic.
With your classes done why not
head down to the library for a study
session? Things are going well since the
Coquitlam library is great compared to
the under-construction status of the New
Westminster campus library. Then you get

  
 

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a phone call. It’s an urgent call from work.
You answer the phone only to be sniped

at by the librarians that say you cannot be
on your phone even though you are at the
entrance of the library and there is a lot of
noise and you are talking in a hushed tone.
I don’t see what the big deal is. Why don’t
you just let me use my phone!?! What's
wrong with that!?! It’s 2019!?! People need
their phones as a necessity and... You know
what? It’s not that big of a deal. Not that
big of a deal.

All this phone drama has made you
hungry, but you also feel you haven't
stretched your legs enough today. Fulfill
both those desires by going to the shady
knockoff that is the Tim Hortons stand
and enjoy waiting in a 30-minute line
with a bunch of students from Pinetree
Secondary School. Why don’t they have a
line dedicated to the college students since
you are paying, like $2,000 to come here
and the Pinetree students aren't? Do I look
like the Douglas College Student Union?
Why are you asking me?

humour // no. 17

 

et MMS by

Photo by Billy Bui

|
m campus

After buying an eight-dollar scone, you
walk around enjoying the modern atrium
that doesn't have all that pesky character
look that the New Westminster campus
has. You realize you have to go to the
bathroom. This is a joy at the Coquitlam
campus. You can find one washroom, but
it’s the opposite of your sex. Where is your
designated washroom? On the other side of
some wall or classroom. When you finally
find it, enjoy sitting on a toilet that will
spray water up your butt at least nine times
because you dare to break a steady stillness
by exhaling.

Your time at the David Lam campus
has come to an end. Before you go, enjoy
going to one of the two KFC/Taco Bells,
three Tim Hortons, or three Starbucks
in the area only one SkyTrain stop away
in downtown Coquitlam. Meh, might as
well just take the train all the way to New
Westminster and go to Burger Heaven.
Things are better in New Westminster

anyway.

Class roles already set firmly 1n place

» Social ranking is EVERYTHING

Isabelle Orr
Contributor

 

he students of Communications 1m

were dealt a heavy blow when it was
revealed that their roles within the class
were solidified for the upcoming semester.

“This isn’t how I wanted to spend the
next four months, but I guess the choice
was mine to make,” Alex Jurgens, Class
Clown, said to Other Press reporters at
a press release. “I didn’t help myself by
coming in nine minutes late and saying,
“What up, playboy’ to my professor.”

“Tm happy with my social standing,”
Simone Beauchemin, the Hottest Girl in
Class, said as she flipped her silky-smooth
hair over her shoulder. “Personally, I think
the roles fit everyone super well.”

Though the students had only
attended one class together, they were told
that their positions were permanent, and
would remain in each student’s mind long
after the class finished.

“I didn’t think that my natural
aptitude for grandiose words and my
inability to read social situations would
result in being labelled as the Class Nerd,”
said Chelsea Reed, pushing her glasses
up her nose. “I don’t see how this is fair or
just.”

“I'm like, totally cool with it,” Jason
McLeod, Jock Who Every Guy Wants to Be
and Every Straight Girl Wants to Be With
said. “Between school and practice, life can
get pretty confusing. I like how this is one
absolute that I can totally abide by.”

“Man, Simone is really hot,’ McLeod
added. “Do you think I have a chance to get
with her?”

Richard Sawyer, the Professor Who
Seems Crabby But Has a Heart of Gold,
isn’t surprised by the outcome.

“If you've taught as much as I have—
over twenty years—you get pretty good
at determining what roles people will
play,” he said, looking covertly at a tintype
photograph of his wife who had sadly
passed away from breast cancer (which

students will discover as they slowly break
through Sawyer’s tough exterior). “Call me
traditional, but I think I’m going to have
an initially troublesome but ultimately
rewarding experience teaching Alex
Jurgens.”

Other Press reporters learned through
a class survey that although the students
are strangers to each other, they expect
that Communications 11 would help them
make friendships and relationships that
would last a lifetime—possibly altering
their life paths forever.

“We're all so different now,’ Katie
Peters, Peppy Keener, said as she gazed
fondly at the empty classroom. “But by the
end of the semester... Who knows? Maybe
we just might surprise you.”

“I wanted to be the cool film guy,”
Jurgens said. “I wonder if it’s too late to
transfer into another class?”

Reporters noted that if Chelsea Reed
took her glasses off and pulled her hair
back, she could give Simone Beauchemin a
run for her money.

 

  

Photo by Luci Correia on Flickr