issue 09 / volume 41

 

‘Neigh-sayers must share
the road, says divided-road-
obsessed Vancouver mayor

» Proposed downtown ‘horse riding lanes’ ignite controversy

among angry cyclists

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
M humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

here’s a new thing for

people to be mad about in
the city, thanks to a particularly
foal and controversial new

re-elected Vancouver mayor,
Igor Smobertson: downtown

horse lanes.

“Last year we did the whole
bike lane thing downtown,
and it was great. It created a
really heated, angry dichotomy
between drivers and cyclists,
and made it significantly more
difficult for motorists to travel
in our already-congested city,”

conference on Monday. “So I
thought to myself, ‘Hay, there
must be more ways that we can
split up the roads and stirrup
some animosity. And then it hit

me: horse lanes.”

Indeed, in the wake of
2014s installation of bike lanes
in Vancouver’s downtown
core, a division between
motorists and cyclists ignited
heated debate over the fair
division of prime roadways
in the city. Today, however,
people are starting to get used
to applying kindergarten
principles of sharing during

: their commutes—which is
: something that Smobertson will :

not stand for.

“The fact is that I just don’t

: want anyone to ever get used to
: stable traffic flow. As a mayor,
: that’s not on my agenda,” said

Smobertson.

The proposed Vancouver

proposal being pushed by newly horse lanes would allow anyone :
; with the money to buy a
: horse the ability to trot along

> down a new centre lane on all

: downtown streets.

“Tm not horsing around

: here—why should the roads

: be out there just to make

: transportation safe and

: comfortable for the motorists
: and the cyclists? What about
: the interests of the very small
explained Smobertson at a press : community of people who want ;
: to ride their horses in our urban :
: : an upswing in urban horse

: riding culture, with three new

up in arms and indignant at the retail clothing stores slated

: suggestion that they might lose

: some of the road real estate that : ; |
: : designed outfits that will let

: everyone know that you are

: better than them because

: you rode a horse to work this
: morning and so youre saving

: core?” explained Smobertson.

However, many cyclists are

: they’ve grown to love.

“The road is ours now,”

: complained cyclist Dan

: McMannning, 28. “Why should
: we have to share it witha

: slower-moving form of traffic?

: Besides, isn’t it dangerous to

: have people just riding horses

: around cars? They don’t have

: the protection of a bicycle in

: the event of an accident. It’s a

: safety issue!”

But would anyone actually

> use the horse lanes? Thus far,
> equestrian enthusiasts seem

: wary of the initiative.

“Tama bit surprised at the

: idea, because it seems like it’s
: a long-outdated idea to ride
: horses in the city,” said horse

owner Sheila Smeila, 35. “But

: whatever, I guess so. Who is

: going to pick up after the horses
: though? Maybe that’s one

: positive thing—job creation?

: Like would it literally be the

: transit police’s job to pick up

: actual horse shit then?”

No official conclusions have

: been reached yet, but it seems
: that the horse lane idea might
: be picking up momentum in

the court of public opinion:
locomotion analysts are noting

: to open this month that will
: sell overpriced, pretentiously

the planet.

So what will Smobertson

do if his horse lane idea is
ultimately rejected?

“Hay, you whinny some, you

> lose some. I’ll just have to rein
: in some more great ideas!”

humour // 23

Missed (textbook)

connections

» Desperate student seeking the ‘right’

textbook for him

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

’m looking for a textbook,
and none of those dumb
online sites ever seem to work.

nice, good textbook, but then

inside or completely different

I’m sick of it.
“Oh why don’t you just go out

Isn't it easier in person?” but
they just don’t get it—it isn’t
that simple!

So here I am, putting out
an ad in the school paper. I

need a textbook.
The condition of the cover

it’s what’s on the inside that

gross that I would be ashamed

: to be seen reading it in public.

I'm alright with it having

: past owners; in fact, I prefer

: a book with well-worn pages.

? A book with experience. I’ve

: never been into being the first
> one to open a brand new book;

You find what you think to bea : | mean I know some people are

. ? : into that, just not me.
it turns out to beruined onthe :

I need a book that can

: handle being read late into the
than was let on by the pictures. : _. .
: night, non-stop, sometimes
: ; : even into the early light of
My friends keep telling me, : morning. I could go all night,

to the bookstores and find one? with the right book.

What it really comes

: down to though, is I need a
: book I can trust. A book with
: references and citations from
: viable sources; a book that

: cares about me.

If this seems like a

: textbook you are trying to sell,

is not all that important; to me, : meet me in the downstairs

oe library of the Coquitlam
counts. Just as long as it isn’t so : campus. Ill be the one wearing

: a suit, with a rose in the lapel.

 

 

College

Confessional...

» Tm nota robot!’

Kirsten Scott-Wuori
Contributor

Did you forget to wear a shirt
today? Did you wear too many
shirts today? Were you so
hungry after lunch that you
found yourself eating barely-
trash Timbits from the cafeteria
garbage can? Did you get your
period in any memorable way?
We want to know about it. We

life when you look at yourself
and you can barely believe

the shameful person looking
back at you—but don’t worry!
There's absolutely absolution
in sharing. Get it off your chest.

confessions at humour@
theotherpress.ca, and spread

the shame.

is an exciting and terrifying
time when you are in college.
For me, the fresh start of a new
semester is eclipsed by the
sheer terror of starting over.
All of a sudden the comforts
of last semester are gone and a
new routine must be formed—

: including the meeting and

: remembering of fellow students’
: and professors’ names. It’s a lot

: of pressure—my memory is the

: worst,

My first class of the day

on the first day of the new

: semester this year—early

: morning, not a good time for

: remembering things—the prof
: had us play an icebreaker game
: where we interviewed a fellow

: . : classmate, and then presented
know that there are times in your the information we gathered to
the rest of the class. (Side note: I

hate presentations.)

When it was my turn to

present, I stood up in front of

: the class and introduced “Josh

. : Stevenson.” I talked about his

Send us your most cringe-worthy : : ne, :
: extracurricular activities, his

: major, and his dog, Norman.

: After I finished, “Josh” stood up

and re-introduced himself to the

class as Kevin S. Smith.
he beginning of the semester :
: was still beet red by the time I
: caught the bus at the end of the
: day. I mean, people should wear
nametags if they want me to

I was so mortified that I

: remember them. I’m nota robot!

: —Jessica, 2, New West