FEATURES The Origins of Sex Tales of lust, Kevin Welsh, Features Editor a Ah... Sex. Sex, sex, sex. Sex, Sex, SEX, SEX, Sex, Sexity sex-sex! The act of coupling, the art of love, the big tango, the gooey-screwy, the heave-ho, the relationship maker, the relationship breaker, the reason we breathe, the good ol’ college try, boinky- boinky, pokey-pokey, and a right, proper rogering. Call it what you will—at the end of the day it’s just plain sex. Come here, faithful readers, get close. I want to tell you a secret. You ready? Here it is: I like sex. Shocking, I know, but there it is—a confession from me to you. Lamentably, said confession is not nearly enough to fill my weekly quota of words (though I did consider simply typing ’sex’ 1,000 times and calling it a day). So what to write about on such a popular topic? The first thing I considered was researching the origins of sex—but then I realized that was a dumb idea (like anybody could do that). Maybe it was Adam and Eve; maybe it was monkeys (or marmosets, for that matter), maybe sex first hap- pened when two single cell amoebas fused in the primordial ooze, or maybe it was dinosaurs. Or maybe I’m the first person to have sex, and everybody else is just pre- tending so they will look “cool.” debauchery, and bullshit Yeah...that’s the ticket. Nah, there’s really no way to conclu- sively prove anything. So instead, I decid- ed to research and report the origins of various sexual positions and techniques. This is not a how-to guide; so don’t expect anything you would read in the “Letters to the Editor” section of Jugs, Dirty Girlz, or Glorp. Hey...we’te a class act. No, this article is simply to enlighten and inform—and nothing else! You all got that? Good. Here we go: Missionary: Until a Madagascar fish- erman observed two lemurs coupling in this now time-honoured tradition, all sex- ual intercourse was performed standing up (with much bending and lifting-exert- ing terrible strain on the lower back and upper thighs). Originally called the “Fantabulous Madagascarian Lemur Love Lock”, it was rebranded “Missionary” when European explorers brought the position home. Doggie Style: Though the Missionary position had made it socially and culturally acceptable to grind away like animals rather than standing up like dignified human beings, Europeans everywhere continued to have sex either standing up or lemur-style. It wasn’t until 18 years after the Missionary became popular that 8-year-old Mariusz Nowokowzicky of Warsaw observed two hippos making sweet love at the National Zoo of Poland. Nowokowzicky, who was a little slow, pointed, turned to his well- to-do parents, and mortified them by bellowing, “Look at the doggies! What are they doing?” Mr. And Mrs. Nowokowzicky, mortified that their son had thoroughly embarrassed them and plainly didn’t know the difference between a hippo and a dog, brusquely removed their son from the vicinity of the hippo pen and enrolled him in reme- dial classes at the Polish School for the Struggling. Still, they knew their little Mariusz was on to something. They had originally intended to perfect the tech- nique, themselves, and call it the “Nowokowzicky Hippo Hump.” However, one day they were interrupted when their bedroom door was thrown open, exposing the pioneers to little Mariusz and his entire class. Mariusz pointed and said, “See, just like doggies!” And that was the end of that. The 69: Discovered by accident— like the potato chip! A Roman Centurion slipped on a discarded banana peel and fell on top of one comely maiden of virtue true. The rest was history. Piledriver: Lord Thomas Piledriver of Sexsex-Upon-Thyme, England, was becoming increasingly frustrated by his inability to, as his wench-on-the-side kept crassly putting it, “Fuck me harder, Tom!” Lord Piledriver brought the mat- krwelsh@canada.com ter up with his socially elite acquaintanc- es at the public house one night—to his relief, they all admitted similar problems with their various somewhat-significant others. They approached the problem collectively, brainstormed over mead and mutton, and came up with this new inno- vation which Lord Piledriver promptly took credit for. He always was a prick that way. Gell-O Swirl: This kinky load-blow- er—and a bitch to clean up after, to boot—was first documented as being undertaken by Pennsylvania abattoir mogul J.T. Glassblower and his wife in the late 1800s. Towards the end of the working day, Glassblower was touring his abattoir and enjoying the smell of butch- ery, gore, and rendered fat when he observed two large rats coupling in a vat of adipose tissue (fat, for you laymen out there). It fired of a bottle-rocket of imagination in both of his heads. Of course, after Glassblower and his wife discovered they were routinely being spied on by the afternoon shift foreman and the entire afternoon shift, a series of unfortunate and regrettable events were set into motion that eventually lead to the Glassblower Lynching of 1885. Today, adventurous couples usually use otdinary cooking gelatin in place of hot fat. The Wankel Rotary Engine: Not much is known about this illicit, often fatal maneuver, other than it originated in the former Belgian Congo and involves three feet of rubber tubing, whipped cream, an adult mallard, two ping-pong paddles, eight triple-A batter- ies, a bullhorn, a maraschino cherry, steam, stainless steel tongs, and bactine. Profuse spinning is required, and one partner has to continuously make the sound of a motorboat (accomplished by clamping his or her lips together while exhaling), while the other must call out “wankel” every time an erogenous zone is touched. Never intended to be used in an orgy of any sort (that means two peo- ple only), spectators are not recommend- ed. One last warning: the Wankel Rotary Engine technique is illegal in Papua New Guinea, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Utah, and parts of Quebec. The Welsh Experience: Originated by me and yo’ momma, day before yes- terday!