10 a Hopeful student has career dreams crushed on first day of class » Bystanders called it ‘a fatality’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor alvin Meyers, 19, may never recover from his life-altering first day of college. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Natalie Woods, Meyers’ classmate at Douglas College, told Other Press reporters. “Tt was devastating. Truly devastating.” Meyers walked into his first university class with high hopes. “I wanted to be a philosopher. I wanted to study the greats,” Meyers told reporters with hollow eyes and a voice that spoke from beyond the grave. “I thought this was my first step in achieving moral greatness.” Meyers, who attended Douglas right after high school, expected that he would walk directly into a job related to philosophy—whatever that may be—after his post-secondary schooling. “I don’t know what a degree in philosophy would help me achieve, but I assumed it would be something related to wearing a toga or a suit while sitting around ina circle of white men and discussing issues of the world,” Meyers said. “Imagine my surprise when my professor told me that the job didn’t exist!” Graham Gill, a philosophy professor at Douglas, has been working at the campus for over 20 years. “T intend to die here,” Gill said in an interview with the Other Press. “I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I havea PhD in philosophy, for Christ’s sakes.” Gill was hired in 1997, back when philosophy was still considered a thing. “Obviously students should be studying things like Environmental Science, or Gender and Sexuality. You know, things that really matter in the present day,” Gill said. “Hey, did you know Socrates was a total creep?” Meyers said his entire world was “blown open” by the fact that he wasn't guaranteed a job directly after receiving his diploma. “My parents, who directly funded my education, assured me this would be the case,’ Meyers said through tears. “Why Put the beanie down! » New bylaw bans fall clothing before September 23 Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ll autumn-lovers felt the harsh sting of the law last Thursday when Kyle Boyd, Vancouver Police Chief, announced a new bylaw freshly approved by City Council. The aptly named “Forbidden Fall” bylaw prohibits the wearing of fall clothing before September 23, the official start of the season. “Anyone wearing traditional ‘fall’ clothing before September 23 will be subjected to police interference,’ Boyd said at a press conference. “After all, laws are laws.” According to Boyd, the severity of the penalty depends on the outfit in question. “For flexible things like a traditional scarf or toggle-button coat, you're looking at a moderate fee. But for more autumn- inspired clothing—youre looking at jail time.’ What exactly sparked this law? “This regulation is aimed at the very kind of person who wants summer to end,” Boyd said. “Who actually looks forward to that? Long days, plenty of sunshine, almost every Netflix show releasing a new season... You'd have to be an absolute idiot to want summer to end just so you can layer your clothing.” Boyd said he expects a certain level of pushback from the community. “You have your freaks out there, those—you know—Halloween-y types. They're probably going to be the hardest demographic to win over.” Other Vancouverites weren't happy with the strict fashion law. Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca can't things just keep falling into place for me?” “Tt’s not entirely the student’s fault,” Gill said. “Society places a lot of importance on post-secondary schooling, especially college and university. Many entry- level jobs ask for a bachelor’s degree just to apply. Because of this, almost all degrees are rendered useless. Of course, none are as useless as a degree in philosophy.” “Philosophy is so important,” Meyers said in a tone that bystanders later described as “the whine of a spoiled toddler.” “How is society still not absolutely invested in the musings of old white men from over 100 years ago? It’s not fair that “T only look good in jewel tones,” Maya McClaren, 25, told Other Press reporters. “Tt’s not my fault that I’m autumn-toned. Why should I be banned from wearing mustard yellow and forest green? This is the way I was born, and I’m proud of it.” “This law is ableist and discriminates against people with bad hair,’ Darren Sawyer, 28, said. “I’m self-conscious about After all, laws are laws” —Kyle Boyd, Vancouver Police Chief ¢ Student dreams crushed on first day of class ¢ Put the beanie down! ¢ Douglas bookstore gothic ¢ ...and more! everything isn’t handed to me just because I want it to be!” Though he faced a minor setback, Meyers assured reporters that his journey in post-secondary schooling was far from over. “For my minor, I’m pursuing something important and worthwhile— English literature.” my appearance at all times and I have to wear the same gross grey wool cap year-round, regardless of the season. Yes, everyone I’m sexually attracted to finds it disgusting. No, I never wash it.” “I'ma ‘spooky’ type,” Rose Hoy, 34, said to press. “I’m someone who wears a Jack Skellington article of clothing no matter the month, or if I’m at my own sister’s baby shower. Fall—and Halloween especially—is the only time it’s socially acceptable for me to sit ina pumpkin patch and hiss at children who get too close to me. This law directly prevents me from expressing my true, authentic self, and I’m prepared to fight tooth and nail for what I believe is a fundamental human right. Also, I work at Spencer's Gift in the mall. But that is unrelated.” “Though this is a big change for manny, I expect it will greatly help the community in the long run,’ Boyd said at the conclusion of his press announcement. “Ina place like Vancouver, which only has approximately two weeks of summer, we need the extra time to get as much serotonin as we can. After all, winter comes after autumn—and who can really emotionally prepare for that?” Boyd added that anyone wearing Christmas-themed garb before December 3 would be shot on sight.