Have an idea for a story?
M humour@theotherpress.ca

nerd

(¥ MOA opens exhibit on the rise of the

(¥ Local white person shocked that peace
and love doesn't solve racism

And more!

10 last-minute Halloween costumes

> For those who feel they don’t need to impress anyone, especially on the day of the dead.

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

S° you put off making a Halloween
costume, again. Maybe youre tired,
or lazy, or both. Don’t worry, here are
some last-minute costumes that take as
much time as you do planning ahead.
1) Garbage

You feel like garbage, so why not
just be garbage? Simply grab some
that’s lying around and glue it to your
clothing. This is also a great excuse
to finally get around to rummaging
through your ex’s garbage cans; they
always had such good taste in garbage.
2) Duct tape

Super cheap, super-fast. Just cover
yourself in duct tape, which you can buy
at any dollar store. Getting it off will be
super hard, and painful, but you clearly
never worry about the future, so why
start now?
3) Drunk

For this costume, all you have to do
is slam back several shots before going
to the party, and then keep drinking
when you get there. This costume might
seem lame, but trust me, as the night
goes on more and more people will
think it’s hilarious.
4) High

Almost the same as number three,
but you'll be hungrier.

5) A freelancer

Don’t sleep for days leading up to
the party to really get that authentic
look. Stay true to your costume by not
going to the party with any snacks or
beer; you can’t afford it.
6) Debt

Tape a sign that says “Debt” to
your chest, then spend the entire party
staring at people from a distance.
7) Your ice-cold ex

If you didn’t find anything in their
garbage, just be them for Halloween
by taping ice-cubes to yourself. They
will all melt in an hour, but it’s worth
it if your ex happens to go to the same
party—which they will since you figured
out which one they’re going to! Good on
you for being assertive.
8) Vancouver housing crisis

For this costume you don’t need to
wear anything special, but you will need
to commit to crying during the entire
time you are at the party.
g) A ghost

No expensive sheets are needed,
just start a bunch of relationships
and then abruptly end them with no
explanation.
10) A person who is stressed-out because
everything is temporary, but everyone
acts like it’s not. Why can’t everyone
just chill out, for the love of God.

Come as you are.

 

——

= ae

= i

—_——

Shoppers Drug Mart recalls new
decoration line after complaints

> ‘They're just too spooky’ declare customers

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

A= hundreds of complaints,
hoppers Drug Mart announced a
full recall of their Spooky4U Halloween
decorations. The product, which
consists of several different plastic
decorations, seems normal upon

first glace. Unfortunately, according

to reports, it’s a very different story
once you open the packaging.

“As soon as I opened it, my dead
grandmother’s soul shot out from the
packaging,” stated Chris Alleck, local
homeowner. “She started screaming
‘HELP ME, and just kept on yelling
and clawing at me until I closed the
bag shut. That’s not what Halloween’s
about, that’s fucking terrifying.”

“My package opened a door to
hell,” stated Linda Willman, Richmond
resident. “I didn’t know what to do; I
don’t have a building permit for that.”

Before it was recalled, Spooky4U
decorations were also available on
Amazon.ca and quickly accumulated
thousands of negative reviews.
According to Amazon's database, it
set a new record for the most negative
reviews received for a product in the
shortest amount of time, beating out
Crocks’ newest line of Snuggies.

“Tll never buy this product again,”
wrote Amazon user, 6gnice6gnice. “All
the plastic skeletons in the packaging
came to life as soon as I opened it. They
started wailing terrible things about my
future; things I can only assume were
true based on the fact that the skeleton’s
empty eye sockets were bleeding while
they were speaking. I just wasn’t ready
for that, you know. I didn’t need a deep
realization of my morality; I’m only
40. My mid-life crisis isn’t supposed to
come for another ten years. 0/5 stars.”

“I purchased these decorations
to show up my next-door neighbor,

Joe. He always had the scariest
decorations on our street,” wrote
another Amazon user, Jackson3.14.
“But now Joe is dead. 2/5 stars.”

Along with recalling the product,
Shoppers Drug Mart issued a
statement addressing the situation.

“We apologize for any confusion
and upset this product may have
caused,” stated CEO, John Arbuk. “To
be completely transparent, this product
was the first in a series of a line created
by our new head developer. After further
investigation, we figured out that our
new developer was actually Satan in
disguise. Unfortunately, we didn’t know
until it was too late. It took thousands
of man hours to figure it out, and one
guy with a large broom to get him to

leave. Again, we deeply apologize for any
inconvenience this may have caused.

We have scrapped that line, and want to
get back to what Halloween is actually

=

—
a _ _

 

about: Sugar, plastic, and corn.”
Shoppers Drug Mart hopes to

launch its new line of Halloween

decorations, NotSpooky@All, next year.

 

Image via esellerpro.com

Illustration by Cara Seccafien