humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

World experiences mass hangover from 2016

> ‘What the fuck even happened?’

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

old, hard reality hit the entire

world like a sledgehammer
from God the morning of January 1,
in what has been called the “Great
Sobering-Up” of the New Year.

“What even happened last year?”
asked many, as they rose groggily
from their beds and scrolled through
their phones, seeing pictures they
didn’t remember taking and messages
they didn’t remember sending.

“Oh fuck, did we leave the EU?”
tweeted the UK in the early hours of
2017. “I don’t remember doing that.

I got slammed on Belgian craft beer.
Oh my God, we're so fucked.”

Other countries began reporting
in on their own unpleasant new year
discoveries: unexpected bumps, bruises,

catastrophes, and embarrassing mistakes.

America recorded its own mental
breakdown on Instagram January 2.
“Tt’s like I was a completely different
person last year,’ America said. “Like
I became some kind of... wild, radical
asshole. I’m not that person, that’s not
what I stand for. I would never let an
orange racist demagogue take power.
My mom raised me better than this.”
America then promptly fell over
onto its side, asked for a gallon of orange
juice, and started weeping softly.
The Other Press consulted
local physician Doctor Jaeger
for more information regarding
the world’s condition.

ae

“Tt’s your classic New Year’s hangover,”
said Doctor Jaeger, who looked a little
grey-faced herself. “I mean, everyone
partied it up to an extreme in 2016, didn’t
we? Mistakes were made, lessons were...
taught, maybe not entirely learned.

Now we've all just got to face up to the
consequences. It’s just unfortunate
that these consequences could
potentially lead to a third world war.”

Canada fared a little better than
certain global counterparts, though it
didn’t get through the year unscathed.

“IT got set on fire a few times,” Canada
admitted, as it nibbled on a bow] of

dry Cheerios. “And I’ve got a bit of a
headache. I think this bruise on my knee
is actually America’s fault. It kind of
smacked around a lot of other countries
during its weird drunken rampage.
Honestly, I think it’s the vodka. Russia
kept handing it shot after shot, martini
after martini... Seriously, they’re a horrible
influence. | really don’t think America
would have done some of the shit it
did if it weren't for Russia. Like, they
probably would have done a lot of it. But
Russia didn't help, is what I’m saying.”
(Russia was not available
for comment.)

Obligatory humour article about
New Year's resolutions

> And how they, like, never work

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

[: the first issue of the Other Press
of the New Year, and the well of
inspiration for humour has never been
deeper! And what’s funnier, fresher, and
more relatable than an article about New
Year's resolutions? Absolutely nothing!
New Year’s resolutions, everyone.
Man, what to say. What to say to fill
up a 400-word article minimum—
(Wait—just heard from my editors
that just barely scraping the 400-
word minimum is a douche move).
What to say to fillupa
respectable 450-word minimum!
The possibilities are endless.
(Note: The writer proceeded to take
a 15-minute Facebook break to look for
possibilities. They turned out to not
be quite so endless as anticipated.)
Alright, well, first of all, we have to
make fun of people for trying to better
their lives because we live in a world of
cynicism and mockery, so let’s do that.
Eating healthy? Bah, eating healthy is for
NERDS. Exercise is for NERDS. Getting
a proper amount of sleep to improve
overall mental health and boost energy

 

levels throughout the day is for NERDS.
(Note: At the time of writing this,
the writer is wearing a Hufflepuff scarf.)
So, alright, we’ve mocked the
concept. Let’s get into the follow-
through, shall we? Ha, isn’t it so funny
how people spend lots of money on
a gym membership then never go?
Wasting funds that many can’t afford to

Image via thinkstock

waste on the hope of self-improvement
is so hilarious! They probably can’t
afford groceries because they were
hoping to better their lives through
healthy practices. That’s funny, right?
(Note: The writer took another
10-minute break to stare into the
void of existence. She has 291 words
down; only 159 left to go. This is for

“T get it, I was the shitbag of the
party,’ America said in a statement this
past weekend. “The more I find out
about what actually happened... I’m
sorry, okay? I caused property damage,
1 lost all my money, I lost a lot of good
friends because I was being such a
douche. I don’t know how to make up for
this, but I want to... oh God, one sec.”

America is reported to
still be doubled over a back-
alley dumpster, vomiting up the
remains of 2016’s wild ride.

you, Chandler (Assistant Editor).)

This is generally the part of the
article where something somewhat
genuine and wholesome is said. Like,
even if you don't succeed, the real point
is that you tried. The real point is that
you wanted to improve, and that every
year we all make an effort to improve.
That as long as we're still sold on the
power of improvement, maybe not all
is lost. Maybe we can change the world.
Maybe I, too, can start exercising and
eating well and not sleeping somewhere
between 3 and 14 hours every night.

(Note: The writer had to pause to
explain to a kindly passerby that no,
she’s not crying, she’s writing a humour
article, why would she be crying, maybe
the passerby was crying and couldn't see
properly and that’s why they thought she
was crying. Eventually the passerby left.)

Five words aaaaand I’m done.
Chandler, you're welcome.

Assistant Editor’s note: While the
writer technically managed 450 words,
she included headlines and byline
into that count, so reaaally the article
was only at a measly 435 (before edits)
so here’s a few more words to round
it out. You're welcome, Rebecca.

  

Image via thinkstock