August 2004 Squamish, where the mercury stopped rising at 37.4°C (more accurate results were unavail- able at press time). Advisory warnings asked citizens to stay in the shade, keep pets indoors, and banned smoking in parks and _ trails. Patrick Carpentier, the Quebec born CHAMP car racer who now resides in Las Vegas, offered some solid advice while in town for the Molson Indy: “You've really got to hydrate yourself. I just drink all the time.” Excuse me, waitress? I’ll have another, please. Blazing Paddles In a lucid moment of Canada- US relations, an American trav- eler alerted authorities on July 23, 2004 of a supposed plot to blow up the Swartz Bay bound ferry she was on. RCMP were called in after the woman over- heard two men discussing how they would like to go and blaze up a ‘doobie’. Doobie, in Americanese, means ferry. After detaining the two men for questioning, the RCMP were satisfied that there was nothing more heinous than a little doja smoking going down. The pair was released, a little red-eyed, while the Yank continued on a little red-faced, determined to bring the fight against terror wherever she goes. Victoria doobies be fore- warned. News News to Peruse, Amuse, and Confuse Brandon Ferguson Fake News Editor Student Found Dead A young Douglas College student paid the ultimate price for laziness late last week when he dropped dead upon opening the doors located near the school’s book- store, a result of the automatic door-opener not working. DC student Giovanni Gelato, 23, was pronounced dead at the scene late in the afternoon of July 29, 2004. “It’s so sad and tragic,” said friend and fellow loafer Rex Bannister, who witnessed the, er... sad and tragic accident. “He tried pressing the button to open the door but it didn’t work. He tried and tried but nothing hap- pened. Finally he just had to open the door himself, and poof—he’s gone.” “He was so young and healthy,” Bannister added. “This would have never happened if the auto- matic door had worked properly.” Not so, according to Gelato’s ex-girlfriend Suzie Cardeo, a per- sonal trainer and door-opening enthusiast. “Gio was the laziest sod you’ve ever seen,” she said in between Stairmaster sets at the gym on Monday. “He never played sports, ate fast food all the time, smoked a pack a day, took the elevator every chance he got, and was all around soft. He’d even drive his car to get the mail—and his stu- pid mailbox is at the end of the driveway.” The automatic doors were installed in the New Westminster campus and intended for use by those with physical disabilities, the elderly, and those carrying very heavy loads or more than two Slurpees. However, the but- tons are a known favourite of slackers, slugs, and “lazy sods” as Cardeo sees it. When contacted for comment, Gelato’s mother Maria was under- standably distraught, and even considering anger. “My boy Giovanni didn’t deserve this,’ she said from her living room sofa, surrounded by Kleenex, Twinkies, and empty cans of RC Cola. “I’m so sad that I haven't been able to leave the couch for days.” When a Douglas College repre- sentative showed up at the house and informed her that Giovanni had passed away, Mrs. Gelato’s grief was further compounded by the news that it had happened three days prior. “Tt’s outrageous that they would wait that long to come and tell me,” she said. When asked why it took so long to hear the news, Mrs. Gelato responded: “I guess they had called a bunch of times and left messages, but the phone was all the way in the kitchen.” Although it’s rare to see some- one of Gelato’s age drop dead, it is not without precedent, accord- ing to Douglas College sports afi- cionado Colin “Pecs” Miley. “There was a woman in Kentucky who, by all accounts, appeared totally healthy. But then she up and croaked climbing a flight of stairs at a mall to get toa Taco Bell.” “Tt’s sad,” he continued. These lazy fuckers never see it coming— but that’s off the record, right?” Sad indeed. This “off the record” can apparently strike “lazy fuckers” at any time. The only known cause seems to be the absence of an automatic door, elevator, escalator, or rickshaw. To date, these catastrophic attacks have only been recorded in First World nations. Services for Giovanni Gelato will be held as soon as an air-con- ditioned church or Church’s Chicken can be found, preferably one with little or no stairs. The family has asked that in lieu of flowers, you can make a donation of fries and/or gravy directly to Mrs. Gelato. OtherPress | 7