War of Words: Zombies vs

 

Braaaaaaaaains...

By Nikalas Kryzanowski

Gia the popularity of last month’s Zombie Walk
in downtown Vancouver, it definitely appears that the
world’s robots would indeed have their hands full in
an all out blood (and grease) feud between the two.
How would it all go down?

First, we have to set some fight parameters. We
do not know the future of robot technology; maybe
they’ll be re-evaluating those wacky old designs from
the 1950s. No one can say for sure. Therefore, it is
prudent to set the rumble in the relative present, say
— 28 days from now. We should also grant that our
robots are humanoid in nature and do not possess the
uncanny dexterity, size and mobility of the futuristic
movie robots— obviously the stuff of fiction! —then
we should have a fair fight on our puny human hands.
The zombies would emerge to create a new world of
chaos and disorder atop the pile of burnt out, twisted
metal.

Think about it; the state of technology today is
ridiculous. How often have you said to yourself, “We
can send a man to the moon, but my bread still burns
in the toaster?” It calls the whole darn system in to
question! If these robots were programmed using
today’s technology, then zombies can rest assured that

robots would slow down after six months, falter after a

year and become hopelessly obsolete after two years.
Well within the timeframe of an all out zombie/robot
apocalypse. Sure, planned obsolescence drives the
economy, but it may well doom a robot revolution.

Robots are also exceedingly clumsy. If pushed
onto its back, the poor tin can would likely be as
helpless as an upturned turtle.

So now that we’ve established robot weaknesses

let’s shift our focus to zombie advantages. The undead

need sustenance, obviously they’re looking for an
organic fuel supply in the form of human brains.

This is much easier (and cleaner) to find, extract and
administer than the oil and other energies required for
powering a robot.

Zombies can also sustain horrific injuries well
beyond the capacity of normalcy. Robots, on the other
hand, might malfunction during a light drizzle.

Replication is another area where zombies have

10

compute

the advantage. One bite and you
become one too. For what robots may
have in brute strength, zombies would
make up for in sheer numbers. With
zombies begetting zombies you’d
eventually gather a zombie swarm.
Soon enough they would be instigating
the point of critical mass, tipping them
towards the overwhelming of hapless
robots everywhere.

I was at that Zombie Walk
downtown and what I saw during this
simulated apocalypse was a downtown
city core absolutely paralyzed by
the zombie infestation. How can we
not expect the same during the real
thing? Perhaps world leaders should
take heed. To stand a chance, today’s
robots should get their noses out of that
pure fantasy indulgence of Rossum’s
Universal Robots —the original robot
uprising bible, written by a Czech
playwright in 1920, and get down to
the business of learning how to shoot
lasers beams from their eyes.