Wir

26

‘The Declaration of Belligerence:
A Call for “Ballantine's Day”

By: Colin Miley, Managing Editor

The world has got it backwards. Why should there be a holiday for the
people in love (Valentine’s Day), and not one for all the bitter people
without a “significant other?” Doesn’t it stand to reason that those peo-
ple without a lover need a holiday a whole lot more than all the people
in love?

To this end, I give you the Declaration of Belligerence, a document
describing the unalienable rights of the loveless on “Ballantine’s Day,”
which shall be celebrated each February 15th.

The Declaration of Belligerence

1) Having put up with all the lovey-dovey-ness of Valentine’s Day, We,
the bitter, shall imbibe Ballantine’s Whiskey until totally freaking smashed
each February 15 (known as “Ballantine’s Day.) We shall then stumble
the streets looking for happy couples to “smack the shit out of” on
sheer principle. The couples must accept our drunken smacking, without
complaint or objection, because they are in love and we are not, and,
therefore, they owe us something,

2) Having smacked no less than two couples silly, We, the bitter, shall
return home, listen to all three volumes of The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love
Songs, chain smoke an entire deck of smokes, and cry. More Ballantine’s
Whiskey shall be consumed during this time.

3) Breakfast, 9-10 am.

4) Having drank, smacked, cried, and eaten, We, the bitter, shall forth-
with commence with the calling of ex lovers. We shall initially admit our
past misdeeds, accepting responsibility for “why everything went so terri-
bly wrong,” all the while plotting to get them over for a Booty Call. If a)
our drunkenness, b) our shallow attempt to find solace in meaningless
sex, or c) the restraining order, are mentioned, We, the bitter, shall yell
incoherently until such time as we are hung up on. We shall then proceed

with calling back every 30 seconds until we pass out, phone in one hand,
drink in the other.

5) Having awoken in black haze resembling the ninth rung of Purgatory,
We, the bitter, shall feel much shame and sob uncontrollably for a period
of no less than forty minutes. We shall then remember the two fingers’
worth left in the bottle of Ballantine’s and consume it. Having drank all
the whiskey, we shall then move on to whatever other booze is around,
probably Peach Schnapps.

6) Bathroom break and time for personal reflection, 1—3:30ish pm.

7) Having recharged our batteries and booze supply, We, the bitter, shall
tear apart the house looking for photos and keepsakes that remind us of
“happier times.” We shall use lit cigarettes and/or scissors to remove and
replace people from said memories, as is our wont. We shall laugh hyster-
ically and diabolically while replacing “their” face with the ass of a

baboon.

8) Having reached the end of our ropes, We, the bitter, shall find a mir-
ror, stare into it, and berate ourselves for a while. We shall remember
only our trespasses during this time, failing to forgive those who trespass
against us. It is, after all, our day, and We, the bitter, find this combina-
tion of self-loathing and hate strangely soothing.

9) Having come to a Zen-like acceptance that it is our fate to be alone,
We, the bitter, shall collapse on a couch and unbutton the top button of
our pants. We shall then plug in a Hugh Grant movie, likely About a Boy,
ot Four Weddings and a Funeral, and cry again. We will pass out just before
it ends, dreaming about flying and/or unicorns, having purged our
repressed desires for love for yet another year.

We, the bitter, feel that these nine things are owed us. We feel that
there needs to be a day for those who need it most, namely us. We
believe that, although all people may be created equal, all people don’t
always have equal footing on the path of life. We are bitter, and on
Ballantine’s Day, we shall celebrate our bitterness, once and for all.