EDITORIALS SCHOOL CONSPIRACY IN NEW WEST by the jellowoman I believe there is a conspiracy in New Westminister. “Yeah, sure” you say, but I swear it is true. There is something going on “here. Did you ever wonder why Douglas College is located on a hill? Someone is trying to deter us from com- ing to school. This isn’t any normal hill. At first glance it doesn’t seem too omi- nous, but when you begin to climb it, it grows steeper with each step. This problem is further com- pounded when weather enters the play. Rain makes it a challenge to climb the hill, but snow and ice makes it impos- sible. On such days you can go outside and see a pile of Douglas College stu- dents sprawled at the bottom of the hill, unable to make it across the street. Say you do get up to school eventu- ally, panting and out of breath from your climb up the hill. You think it is finally over, but lo and behold! What is this awful sight in front of my eyes. Stairs, stairs, and more stairs. Looking for salvation you crawl into the cafeteria. You're looking for some- thing to quench your thirst so you grab a coffee, AND THEN!!, you realize that prices have gone up but the quality defi- nitely hasn’t improved. Are we sure the chem. students haven’t been fooling around with the infamous DC coffee formula?This could be more than mere conjecture on my part, I may be onto something big you know. And what is the deal with heating in the college? I do not see the purpose of turning the air conditioning up in winter. Could this be part of the con- spiracy? Go ahead, laugh and mock me. You may call me crazy, you may call me a raving lunatic, but as you slip and slide down the hill today my words will echo in the back of your minds. The seeds of doubt have been planted. CHRISTMAS FROM A MALL WORKERS PERSPECTIVE by Dug Hebert As a child one of my favorite things about Christmas was to sit on Santa's knee in the mall. Now I realize that my childhood hero was just an old man who donned a red suit for two weeks to make extra cash because he didn’t have a real job. Now I work in a mall and it sure isn’t the “holly jolly” Christmas place that I remember going to before. Christ- mas carols, “Ho Ho Ho,” and “Merry Christmas” is fine and all, except if you have to listen to it all day, every day, start- ing in November. After awhile you just begin to lose your mind. Then there are my beloved custom- ers. Those merry folk who aim to make my life miserable. They insist on disre- garding the sign that says “ ALL SALES FINAL”, and then come to ask me if it is a final sale (just in case the sign was wrong). Oh, yes. Don’t forget the “Do you have more of this stock in the back?” question. Upon hearing my po- lite “No, I’m sorry we don’t”, they in- sist on asking if I’m SURE that we don't. Of course I’m sure. What I want to know is why they didn’t understand me the first time. Did they think I was lying to them? Do they think we like to hide stock in the back so no one will buy it? Those were the early Christmas shoppers who are not as bad as last minute shoppers. I can’t believe that people who come in on Christmas Eve even have the nerve to ask me why we don’t have a smaller or larger size of whatever we happen to have left in the store. Beating that, how can they ask if we can find them this dress in another color, long rather than short sleeves, and flared rather fitted. Bah humbug! Go home! Get a life! It's too late to be shopping now. You've really blown it this time, so don’t bother me now! Other Press December 13, 1993 EDITORIALS & OPINIONS Cio YZ re L ~S If it’s not one thing it’s another . . . I was walking with my girlfriend last spring. We were very friendly. We were in the latter stages of the initial stages of the relationship. In other words, we were still having sex . . .a lot. You know, the first two to six months, also known as “the sweaty months”. Anyhow, we're walking through Stanley Park on this glorious spring day. The sun was shin- ing, the bears were sunning, the birds were mugging us for popcorn. A squir- rel with a bandanna over his face held us up for a pack of airline peanuts. An- other deadbeat squirrel had a cup by his hind legs. Lying there, he asked for spare change to buy a snack at the re- freshment counter. It was a gorgeous day though. Flow- ers were in bloom, it was perfect cou- ple weather. We walked through the zoo, arm in arm, hand in hand, mouth in mouth. We got our picture drawn by one of those park artists by the zoo. You know it was half-price all day and all, and we succumbed to their cleaver marketing ply of blanket advertising and monopo- lization. Really, those guys are ruthless, territorially. They often mark out there territory with urine. A friend of mine once tried to set up a stand down there, and they squeezed him out. Told him if he didn’t pay them protection money, he'd be sadistically beaten about the face and neck with charcoal sticks. He’s dead now. They airbrushed his ass right out of there .. . So, anyway, we were accosted by King Paint and several of his lackeys who forced us into this tiny wooden seat. Very In Remembrance Of... Geneviéve Bergeron, 21 Héléne Colgan, 23 Nathalie Croteau, 23 Barbara Daigneault, 22 Anne-Marie Edward, 21 Maud Havernick, 29 Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31 Maryse Laganiére, 25 Maryse Leclair, 23 Anne-Marie Lemay, 27 Sonia Pelletier, 28 Michele Richard, 21 Annie St-Arneault, 23 Annie Turcotte, 21 December 6, 1989 14 Women died in Montreal: uncomfortable, it was. Imagine stapling your right inner thigh to your left arm- Le Ole Staff Box The Other Press is Douglas College's Student Biweekly Newspaper, filling the need of alaternative student com- munication since 1976. We would love input in the form of writing submis- sions, suggestions, or slave labour. So y'all come see us in Room 1020, Doug- las College, 700 Royal Avenue, New Westminster, B.C. V3L 5B2; Phone 604-525-3505, anytime. Coordinators Production : Dug Hebert, Scott Simmer Arts & Entertainment : Tara Meiklejohn Classifieds : Dug Hebert Features : Steve Jocks Sports: Lys Paredes, Elaine Leong Creative : Niki King-Jocks Office Manager : Tim Crumley pit. Uncomfortable. Twenty-four min- utes of testicle -grinding torture. We barely made it out of there in one piece. Considering our predicament, the picture turned out great. I did dislike the way he kept calling me Grasshop- per, but the drawing was excellent. He captured my girlfriend’s spirit merci- lessly. The glint in her eye, the glitter of her smile . . . even the full-bodied splendor of her hair. The choice of ar- tistic license was questionable, however. For example, she was not at the time wearing a negligee. Besides she’s only a B-cup. The artist’s rendering of me was spectacular as well. The likeness was amazing; it was all there: the rugged jaw, piercing eyes, majestic nose, even the devastating smile . . . It looked bet- ter than I did for Christ’s sake. In fact only a week after we got this master piece home, my girlfriend dumped me. She didn’t want any of her stuff back . . just the damned picture. douglas college's student newspaper since 1976 And so, here I sit, looking out the window, wondering if there’s anyone else out there that’s been devastated by a generous artist. Perhaps, one day, I'll find her.