HUMOUR Mom read one book and thinks you might like 1t too > ‘when are you coming home to visit. love mom. ps dog died’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor A gainst all odds, your mother finished a ovel last Sunday and thinks that you might like it as well. After reading said book, the woman who gave you life sent you several rambling text messages that suggested she knew nothing about the book she just read. “Sust finished good book, had good plot. love mom,” said one text at 3:43 pm. “did you get my text? book here waiting for you,” said another at 4:58 pm. Reporters reached out to your brother, who had received no texts from your mother. “She never texted me,” he said, obviously wounded that he wasn’t the golden child. “How would she know what you like to read? She doesn’t even remember how old you are. She thought you were turning 24 the last three years in arow.’ Other Press reporters took these confusing texts to Miranda Caraway, Dean of Sociology at SFU. “I find it puzzling that she signed the text ‘love mom’ as if you wouldn't know that the texts were coming from her,’ said Caraway. “Moreover, she gives us no indication about who the novel was by, what it was actually about, et cetera. Really just zero information to go off of here.” A voice message left by your mother Monday afternoon had the following excerpt: “By the way, I still have that book for you here. It’s by the woman who wrote that other book about the people in the war. You know, the one about the two people and how their lives connect. Anyway, it’s the same writer. Do you want some green beans from the garden? Let me know. By the way, your dad is still working on the bloody kitchen. The book is sitting on the top of the stairs.” Reporters also reached out to your father for his side of the story. “Yes, she’s been reading something or other for the last couple weeks,” he said via telephone. “It’s been a nice break from her nagging me to finish the wood cabinets in the kitchen” During the interview with the man who raised you, it became clear that he, too, knew nothing about the book or why you would be interested in it at all. “T think it had a red cover... maybe blue. I think it had something to do with an Irish family, or an Irish Setter dog. I didn’t really listen to her when she was talking about it. To be honest, she never really reads that much. I think this might be the first book she’s read in at least a year.” The story developed further with another text from your mom on Tuesday evening at 6:47 pm. “just stopped by the library to find another book as good as last. no luck. also grandma hamlin passed away. so sad.” Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca ¢ Mom read one book and thinks you might like it too ¢ Woman's period has audacity to show up every month ..and more! Bitchy horoscopes , . . Isabelle Orr » You're reading these again?! Entertainment Editor S here I am, sitting at my computer with my sixth case of tonsillitis in two years, sweating out of every pore and holding a bag of frozen peas around my neck— and you want me to look into the starry night sky to determine your future?! Can't you just wait and see what happens? Or are you too good to wait like a normal person? Ugh, fine. Time to examine the heavens to see what'll happen this week to your sorry ass. QP Aries (March 21 — April 20) This week you're going to say something really stupid in front of a group of people who you want to impress (because you're a brown-noser like that). If you think they didn’t catch it, you're sorely mistaken. They literally laugh about it the minute you leave the room. TAURUS (April 21 — May 20) That daring new outfit choice you've been crafting in your head? Yeah, I wouldn't try it if I were you. Remember Coco Chanel’s advice about taking one accessory off before leaving the house? I recommend not leaving the house at all. GEMIN] (May 22 — June 22) Listen, it’s time for some tough love. Maybe “putting yourself out there” should be switched to “keeping yourself inside.” Try brushing up on some key tactics like “how to havea conversation at a party” or “how to not bore people with your in-depth knowledge of rock climbing.” It'll work wonders! cANCER (June 22 - July 23) Uh-oh, you really did it this time! You've forgotten something big, and by the time you remember, it’ll be too late to shittily craft it together. The worst part is you have no one to blame but yourself, sorry "bout it! ~ ao (July 24 - Aug 23) That new sweetie you've been trying to impress? Bad news, Leo. They already have their eyes set on a new cat in town and it ain’t you. Nurse your feelings with a pint of ice cream—I’m sure that ll make you feel better. V/RGO (Aug 24 — Sept 23) Virgo, literally everybody knows how busy you are all the time. Here's a heads up: EVERYONE ELSE IS BUSY TOO! Next time you have the urge to whine about how you have too much on your plate, ask yourself: Does anybody but me care? LIBRA (Sept 24 — Oct 23) Things haven't been going your way lately, and I have news for you— they're still staying that way. My advice to you is to hole up in your room and stay there for the next three weeks, your safest option. SCOPPIO (Oct 24 — Nov 22) Get ready to really put your foot in it these next few days because I see you crying on public transit not once, not twice, but three times this week. We're talkin’ full-blown, chest heaving, snotty crying. Keep tissues on hand or a mask so people can't see you weep like a little baby. EM S)GITARIUS Aa (Nov 23 — Dec 21) Those grand ambitions you've been having lately? Why don’t you do something about them rather than just running your mouth? Better hurry up, time is running out—and youre not getting any younger (or hotter)! CAPRICORN (Dec 22 — Jan 20) Uh oh! You’ve been isolating yourself from your friends, and they definitely notice. Don’t worry, it gives them ample time to talk about each thing they don’t like about you behind your back. Fun! Gage AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Work sucks, I know—but you also suck at work. You've been slacking and it shows! Put a little oomph in it before you get the chop! PISCES . (Feb 20 — Mar 20) If you think you're the favourite child, think again! Your parents are thinking of getting a dog, and they already love the idea of it more than you. Sorry!