vee af sth beahht Uae, by Romeo St. Martin, CUP You've just moved into your new place at the start of September and it’s only October, and you want toget out. Really badly. Thosetwo people whom you thought you knew before you started living together, have become your roommates. You don’t call them your friends, you don’t even mention their names. They just go by “roommates.” You'll soon come to learn that when you live with people, even pore you thought you knew well , the little things mean a lot. Hidden idiosyncrasies manifest themselves in repetitive circumstances at a rate that makes the term of your lease seem like a life sentence in San Quentin. Oh sure, Jack, Janetand Chrissy gotalong greaton Three's Company, but on TV the dishes get washed by some unionized set worker, the phone bill is covered by the network and Chrissy never ‘cut one’ every time she watched the news. Not to say that life should be perfect and that no roommate situations work out well. Many people are lucky enough to find roommates they can stand, butothers aren't so lucky. Soif you're having a rough time and are marking the days until your lease expires, don’t worry, you're not alone. Here are some of the bad experiences you may have noticed by now. The Surprise Addition I had only lived in my new townhouse for three weeks when one of my roomies came home with a-surprise. “What's this?” I asked. “It’s Cujo. Half pitbull, half Rottweiler.” “Well, whose dog is it?” “Mine, can you believe it? Ionly -got him for $50, he’s got all his shots and he can kill on command.” “You mean to say I now live with a vicious dog?” I asked in disgust. “Isn’titgreat?” hesaid withglee. “Here’s his attack command.” He handed mea folded piece of paper, which I unfolded and read. ‘The,’ it read. “The’,” I thought. “How am I going to be able to spend the rest of my life without saying ‘the’?” “You're putting me on,” I said. “Other Feature Torture by Pop Musi the Other Press Roommates fom Hell “This has got to be some kind of joke.” “What, you don’t like Cujo?” “It’s not that I don’t like Cujo, I’m sure he’s a fine member of his species. It’sjusthisattackcommand.” “What's wrong with it?” “What's wrong with it? It’s impossible not to say it, what the hell Rrrrrroooaaarrrr, rrrrrrr Thenextday you gethomeearly from class and decide to catch up on your reading. Yousitat your deskin the silence of your room. Then your roommate comes home and cranks the music this time. “Hello, you fool, I love you/ C’monjointhejoyride /Beajoyrider.” Your studying begins to slide. That weekend you have a party at your place and your roommate ts on some music. “Hello, you fool, I love you/ the Hades-like temperature of the rest of the room, sends your body into spasmatic convulsions. you are now ina life or death struggle. “Must get shampoo out of hair .... Must rinse hair... Must get shampoo out of eyes .. Must find water tap ...Can’tsee, but must turn tap off.” 8:02. You’re out of the shower. 8:03. Outof the bathroom, only to see your roommate eating breakfast — with one food from 5. Veley The Song Remains The Same You're lying in bed one night, trying to cui sleep. Suchen youhear thesound of musicemitting from your roommate's adjacent bedroom. “Hello, you fool, I love you/ C’monjointhejoyride/Beajoyrider.” This becomes a regular experience and you begin to have sleeping disorders. 161 - 650 The Oakridge Restaurant W. 41 Ave (in Oakridge Mall) 10% off with ad C’monjoin thejoyride /Bea joyrider.” snooze button a; 8:00 a.m. You wake up. The whole apartment feels damp. You open the door to the now vacant bathroom and step into a world where people can’t see themselves in mirrors. Thesteamintheroom makes it difficult to breathe. 8:01 a.m. You step into the showerand open the tap. The warm water splashes on your body, you soak your hair, apply shampoo and begin to build a lather. You've been in the shower for a full 20 seconds when suddenly the flow of hot water ends and the water turns ice cold. each of the four major food groups reading the morni with perecty conditioned moused and low-dried hair. 8:04. Unable to comb hair because steam has made wiping clean the bathroom mirror virtually impossible. 8:14. Fog finally leavesand you comb hair. 8:16. You miss the 8:15 bus and realize eee to be late again for your morning class. The freezing sensation, mixed with be September 30, 1992 c, Killer Dogs and You grab the TV guide to see what's on for your viewing pleasure tonight. As you flip the pages, you notice that almost all of the channel blocks are filled in with black The only channel boxes not filled are your roommates’ selections. You have no choice tonight but to watch MacGyver, Hunterand Jakeand the Fat Man. Thisshouldcomeasnosurprise, since your roommate is the same person whothought Nova wasashow about how to maintain anold Chevy and that Masterpiece Theatre was hosted by Cy Spirling. After watching an hour of MacGyver saving the world from a complete nuclear holocaust by applying a dab of pine tar toa crazed leader’sred “doomsday” button, you begin to grow tired of the antics of MacGyver. Youdecidetogive Hunter a try. Hunter and his partner, on another one of their regular high- speed chases through the alleyways of Los Angeles, squeal their tires, fire their pistols and sideswipe the bad y’s car in a scene which runs for Fveminutes withba music from The Mod Squad. Following the cular chase, Hunter emerges from his car, pulls out his pistol and shouts, “Freeze! Police!” Yourroommate, whohadsaton the edge of his seat for the entire chase scene — like the villains are going togetaway—turnstoyouand incompleteseriousness says, “Wow, that Fred Dryer is some actor.” The End I had only lived with Cujo for three days, most of them spent in ital getting tetanus shots, when I decide to give him a surprise of his own. “C'mon, Cujo, let’s go for a “Rooofff, rooofff,” he says. Little did he know that he was headed to a distinct society where there was civil law, different culture and the only articles he would hear would be “le”, “la” et “les”. There would be no “the” and Cujo could live a much less a ive lifestyle. “Goodbye, boy,” Isaid withtears in my — the tears were caused by a reaction to one of Cujo’s bites. “Roooff, rooooffff,” he said for the last time. AsI watched Cujo prancedown Brunette, I knew he would lead a better life never having to hear the attackcommand which wasthemost common word in the English Burevenifhedidattacksomeone it would be okay because, it was my understanding, the Maillardville police were experts in handling these types of situations. “Goodbye, old friend, goodbye.”