humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca Millennials disguised as bankers responsible for 2009 economic recession > Despite being 14 at the time, young people are finally blamed for the housing crash — Greg Waldock Staff Writer N* reports have come to light indicating that the bankers responsible for the 2009 economic recession and housing crisis were, at the time, 6 14-year-olds dressed up as adults. This confirms long-held suspicions that millennials are the cause of the current economic crisis, and perhaps all crises past and present. These bankers reportedly caused the collapse by tapping away at their phones for hours when they were supposed to be interacting with people at the New York Stock Exchange, where the housing market is located. Their failure to pay attention to their surroundings caused the entire system to enter into rapid decline, once again proving the folly of youths and their smartphones. The discovery comes hot on the heels of other accusations against those aged 20-30, with the young adults being held responsible for the economic hardships of the video rental industry, the cable companies, local grocers, and the post office. These accusations have been vehemently denied by millennials the world over, in Facebook posts and increasingly bitter student newspaper articles. Despite these protests, however, the world at large is grateful for a scapegoat that isn’t financially stable enough to defend themselves at political rallies or in issues of the Wall Street Journal. “If they just learned to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, this country wouldn't be going to hell,” said David Macintosh, a Seattle man who seemingly isn’t aware that it’s physically impossible to pick yourself up by bootstraps. His sentiment has been repeated across North America and beyond as the contempt for younger generations increases, — |) = coincidentally aligning with economic and environmental disasters decades in the making. How exactly millennials are responsible for events set into motion long before their birth is difficult to understand, but scientists at Harvard are working hard on new and innovative ways to blame young people for the melting ice caps, geopolitical tensions in the Middle-East, and Columbia shuttle disaster of 2003. “Most of this research is based around people playing too much Pokémon Go, the cause of all global problems, along with liberalism,” saidxz Prime Minister won't leave teen graduates alone > Justin Trudeau crashes high school grad photos, post-grad events, and grad camping Chandler Walter Assistant Editor [ seems as though Justin Trudeau just cant leave his glory days behind him. The Prime Minister was spotted last month photobombing a graduation photoshoot along the seawall, and has since shown up uninvited to every grad event the high school students have thrown. “Tt was kind of cool at first like, ‘whoa it’s the Prime Minister’ and all, but now it’s just getting creepy,” said Jenni Knotapearson, a student at Fayck Secondary School. “He keeps saying that his friend Ron invited him, but no one knows of a Ron in our grad class.” The Other Press has learned from sources that Trudeau arrived at the grad class’ camping trip shortly after their prom night. While everyone who finished high school that year was invited to attend (along with guests), many students were skeptical of Trudeau’s place at the campsite. “He just rolled up in his super fancy car and started playing his music really loudly,” recalled camper James Kortenbaur. “He said something along the lines of this ‘not being his first rodeo, and that we should learn how to party from his example.” The leader of the federal Liberal Party then allegedly called up some friends, and, before the high schoolers could voice their opposition, many members of the cabinet proceeded to crash what was supposed to be a sentimental grad weekend. “Tt just sucks, right, because this was supposed to be the last time that we all get to hang out together before everyone goes off to college, but now Harjit Sajjan won't give up his spot at the beer pong table and Marc Garneau keeps telling everyone we should move to a better campsite,” said Kortenbaur. “Whenever we ask Trudeau to get his friends out of here all he says is ‘alright, alright, alright,’ but then does nothing. What kind of an answer is that?” The situation arose shortly after Trudeau found his way into the celebratory aftergrad that the graduates were attending, with many reports stating that he hopped the back fence to get in. “My older brother wanted to come to the aftergrad too, because he thought it would be funny for him to attend,” Kortenbaur said in an interview. “He decided against it because he thought it might be too weird for him to be there. I wish that certain leaders of the Ben Garrison, right-wing newspaper comic artist and avid fan of “news” sites such as InfoWars. “They're too plugged into their machines to get good, healthy jobs, like coal mining or cow rustling.” The six accused “bankers” have been tracked down to a single two- bedroom basement suite in Surrey, where they've been living for the past eight years blowing all their income on frivolous things such as not being homeless, instead of being responsible adults and contributing to the consumer economy by buying luxury items like diamonds. Photo by Cameron Corrado via Twitter =, Canadian government would have come to a similar realization.” It is unclear how long Trudeau and pals remained at the party, though some in attendance claim that they saw him driving away in a1970 Chevy Chevelle SS, blasting Foghat’s hit song “Slow Ride.”