humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Local millennial manages 11 side-

hustles on top of full-time employment

> Media praises go-getter attitude, fails to examine how broken our economy is

Rebecca Peterson
Assistant Editor

 

ouglas College alumni and double-
major SFU graduate Ari Aman made
headlines this week after it was revealed
the 25-year-old has a whopping 1
avenues of self-employment and contract
work on top of his full-time internship
with a local online publication.
“He just does everything,” said
one of Aman’s fellow graduates, known
to the local community as “Homeless
Helena.” “He works two types of food
delivery, runs a ride share, picks up
shifts as a taxi driver, walks dogs, takes
on translation and transcription work
online, tutors, teaches a spin class
and a kickboxing class on weekends...
I really don’t know how he does it.”
Aman?s girlfriend, Clarisse
Barista, worries for Aman’s health.
“T mean, I know why he’s always
working,” she said as she served one
of our Other Press reporters a grande
triple-shot half-sweet vanilla latte,
no foam. “He has a basement suite
in Vancouver—like actually in the
city. You can’t have that and afford
food without a little extra work... but
I know it’s taking a toll on him. Some
of his clients from his webcam-model
side-hustle have actually tracked us
down to ask if he’s okay, because he’s
looking a little peaky on-camera.”
28-year-old Barista, we discovered,
has a Master’s degree in Historical

Conservation, and works full-time as an
instructor at a local community college.

“The coffee shop thing is just
my side-hustle,” Barista told us. “I’m
hoping one day to afford to move out of
my parent’s house, maybe rent a nice
little studio apartment in Coquitlam.
But that’s a far-off dream right now.”

We tracked down Aman’s employer
at his internship for comment.

“Oh yeah, we love Ari—the kid is
just incredible,” said Craig S. Lister in a
phone interview last Thursday. “Really,
really great, never complains. He gets

Universe responds
to complaints

> adds billions more stars

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

A fter billions of years, the universe

as finally responded to complaints
filed about the lack of visibility at night
on Earth. Roughly 15,000 complaints
have been issued towards the universe
requesting more visibility after the sun
sets. The universe has responded by
stating they will add more stars in the sky
to increase the amount of light during
the hours between sunset and sunrise.

Frank Almend, a local Vancouver
policeman, was one of the citizens of Earth
who filed a complaint form years ago.

“A lot goes on at night,” stated
Almend. “We have electricity to light
our areas, but lightbulbs eventually burn
out. Stars, as far as I know, do not.’

“Tm just glad they’re finally doin
something about it,” stated concerned
mother and wife, Martha Jakenson, who
also filed a complaint. “I don't like to think
about my son wandering around at night
and not being able to see without the aid
of expensive, complicated technology.”

‘Frankly, I don’t know why they didn’t
do it sooner,’ states James Maron, local
truck driver. “Does the universe even
know how much hydro costs in this city?
But, better late than never, I suppose.”

The universe announced that, starting
in 2019, there will be the added light of
2.5 trillion stars, which will give roughly
the visibility equivalent of the sunona
cloudy day. The universe has issued an

apology on the lateness of its response,
stating that their tardiness was due to a few
issues, one of them being administrative.

“Our front desk guy was out
for a few billion years,” stated the
universe. “You know how it is, being
a huge, ominous being, things just
get away from you sometimes.”

Many scientists have responded
with outrage about the decision, along
with concerns for whether this increase
of light will disturb normal animal
migration patterns or crop growing
cycles. The universe responded, stating
that “Animals don’t care, they’re animals.
They can handle it. If they have a problem
with the light, I’m sure they’ve heard of
sleep masks. As for the crops, have you
ever heard a vegetable complain? I’m
sure wee fine.” Unfortunately, this has
not quelled the scientists’ concerns.

‘How on earth do they think this is
a good idea?” stated Kelly Ridder, head
of the agricultural department at UBC.
“They are going to disturb the entire
natural cycle of the earth just because
people don’t want to buy flashlights, or
drain the batteries on their phones.”

The universe responded to these
concerns, stating that it was older than all
the scientists put together, so it believes
it has enough experience to make this
important, crowd-fuelled decision.

“T've been around the block
a few times; before the concept of
blocks even existed,” it stated. “I
think I know what I’m doing.”

here and works the full 9 to 5, produces

some frankly fantastic content. We're

considering giving him a raise, actually.”
The Other Press asked what

Aman was being paid, and Lister was

very clearly proud in his response.
“We're one of the few internships

that pay anything, you know,” said Lister.

“Once a month we give our interns a
$50 Starbucks giftcard, which gets them
about a week or two of free coffee—on
us!—just to show our appreciation for
all their hard work. But for Aman, were
thinking of raising that to $55, just to
give the kid a little extra boost. Like I

GC

 

keep telling him, if he works here long
enough, puts in that hustle we love to
see from your generation, in a year or
two he might make staff writer, who we
pay very generously. Imagine getting
$11.75 an hour just for sitting around and
writing, which a lot of these kids would
probably be doing for free anyway. That’s
above minimum wage, you know!”

We tried to reach Aman for
comment, however last the Other
Press heard, he has taken two vacation
days to enjoy a well-earned medically-
induced coma to recover his strength.

We have electricity to light our areas, but

lightbulbs eventually burn out. Stars, as
far as I know, do not.” -Frank Almend

 

 

 

 

Ho lo ha

 

RKOROTCOMICS.CA

 

 

 

 

Illustration by RobotComics.ca