SPORTS mclennonb@douglas.bc.ca Life as a Leafs Fan—Pity Me, For | Suck By Steph Smith, OP Leafs Fan and High-Sticking Princess Valiant As a young girl, I grew up all around Southern Ontario and, as such, I have a confes- sion to make. I am a devout fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes yes, I can hear you laughing at me from here. Don’t worry I get enough threats and laughter to know where I stand. You see, I am a Leafs fan it’s true...but I am one of those Leafs fans who knows that my team sucks. I am a rare Leafs fan with a fairly accurate sense of reality. However, just for fun, let’s examine why I am so pathetic and why I know the reasons I am subject to so much ridicule because of my fandom. Up front, my team is a sad array of “has beens” and “should have beens.” Eric “The Concussion King” Lindros, Jason “Head Injury-Missed a Year” Allison, Jeff “Didn't I Used to be Good?” O’Neill, Nik “Why Can’t I Skate?” Antropov, Mariusz “Whore” Czerkawski...you get the idea. (I cry every single time Nik Antropov tries to skate slowly up the ice. Really I do). Sadly, the only thing worse than the front end of the team is the back end. Defence? What is defence? We have a few players that we try and pass of as defense- men, but it’s not really fooling anyone. Bryan “Puck Fumbler Extraordinaire” McCabe, Tomas “Why Shoot When I Can Pass Instead?” Kaberle, Aki “A Pylon in a Jersey” Berg, Ken “I Play Defence?” Klee, and an array of no-name no talents that we cycle between the AHL and NHL. Last but not least, and saddest of all, is the goaltending my Leafs have. At one time in his life Ed Belfour was one of the best goalies in the game. Look at his stats throughout his career. He’s second only to Patrick Roy for wins, and two years ago he single-handedly took the Toronto Maple Leafs past the Ottawa Senators and into the second round of the playoffs. Sadly those times are long gone. Now you are never sure if you are going to get Ed “Hey, I’m Awesome” Belfour or Ed “Hey, I’m Drunk” Belfour. And if you have to pull him for any reason, the Leafs have Mikael “Slightly Better than Trevor Kidd” Tellqvist to back him up. It’s a scary, nerve-wrack- ing ordeal. Having said that, I am aware of where my team stands. I am aware that they are the laughing stock of the NHL, and that there are a good ten or more teams who are much much better and more deserving of my time, but I love my Leafs as much as I hate them. It’s in my blood. I was born to Leafs fan parents and grandparents. I grew up receiving Leafs tick- ets and memorabilia for birthdays and Christmas. I grew up saving up 320 dollars with which to buy tickets to a game that the Leafs lost 7—2 (and this happened on more than one occasion). I grew up loving the game, and loving my team in the 80s when we finished in last place. I have to constantly defend my team and fight off people’s laughter. And before you say anything I remind you that I KNOW THEY SUCK! I KNOW IT! It’s like a bad drug habit that I just can’t kick, or just don’t want to. For the Leafs, the motto is “The Passion That Unites Us” and I think it is true; however, I might suggest a slight modification to something more like, “The Brain Disorder That Unites Us.” Every single person who is a “diehard” Maple Leafs fan is obviously off his or her rocker. I love my team, I know they suck, and I am pathetic. Wanna fight about it? We have Tie “The Midget Turtle” Domi, and when was the last time he lost in a fight? Yeah. Royals Win in the Mud Bow! Dave Pearcey, OP Contributer Douglas 22 — SFU 12 With fields in New Westminster closed for the 5th weekend already this year, all teams were scrambling for alternate locations. The premier women were able to play SFU up on the hill. A muddy, wet field slowed down the game and saw lots of scrums taking place. Douglas managed two tries from Stevi Schnoor, singles from Melissa Klein and Corinne Jacobson and a conversion from Kari Horntvedt to record a 22-12 win. Next week, the squad travels to Nanaimo. Douglas 20 — James Bay 25 The 1st Division made up a game from the past weekend with James Bay in Victoria. Unfortunately, only 15 players were able to make the trip and they took their first loss of the season (also the first win by James Bay), going down 25-20. Tanya Leigh, Hayley Archer, and Lexi McKinnon (twice) scored tries in a losing effort. Douglas 7 Abbotsford 7 The 2nd Division faced Abbotsford on Sunday and took an early lead on a try by Tia Staller, converted by Kelly Peterson. An injury to fly half, Rikkilee Jones hurt the team’s performance and Douglas were on their heels for the whole 2nd half. Abbotsford scored a converted try on the last play of the game to knot the game at 7—7. Royals Lay Out Langley Dave Pearcey, OP Contributer Royals Lay Out Langley Dave Pearcey, OP Contributor Douglas 27 — Langley 3 The men are enjoying a great season so far. The 1st Division team gave Langley their first loss of the season, running up a 27—3 lead with the wind in the first half. They hung on to win 27—13. Douglas 57 — Langley 22 The 2nd Division team managed to forge a 24—22 lead against the wind in the first 40 minutes, then rambled to a 57—22 win with the wind at their backs over Langley Seconds. Douglas 47 — Rogues 14 Third division recorded a 47—14 win over the Vancouver Rogues.