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a nation down from within. The
“Fruitcake” project involved the Iraqi
technique of putting together two
foods that should never be together.
“The recipe was nothing but a disaster
waiting to happen” says Betty Crocker.
“By putting little pieces of cherry or
nuts or shit or whatever was left on the
bakery floor, it was possible to crank
out a byproduct that measured only a
few inches across, but was more dense
than lead and weighed as much as a
small aircraft carrier.” Every year, the
“Fruitcakes” were passed out to postal
workers who were made to carry them
around from house to house, some-
times 20—30 “Fruitcakes” at a time.
They became so mad with rage, they
went on a killing rampage of fellow
employees late in the 1980s, coining
the phrase “Going postal.” Many of
the killings were considered ones of
mercy, as in “Shoot me Bob, for
Christ's sake I can’t carry another god-
damn fruitcake! For the love of God

 

 

what sort of monstrosity is this!” The
weapon was a success.

But it was Jell-O that got the whole
ball rolling. After Dessert Storm, the
technology was used to keep spoiled
food in suspended animation, and ad
campaigns like “Fruit going bad? Don't
throw it away! Make a Jell-O mould,
it'll last forever that way!” then a catchy
jingle. New days were added to the cal-
endar to accommodate Jell-O holidays
like “Use-Up-Your-Leftovers-in-a-Jell-
O-Salad” week and “Fetal Alcohol
Crack Addict Spatula Salesmen Who
Have Sex With Mandarin Jell-O and
Carrot Coleslaw week on Jerry
Springer.” Even Crayola got involved,
and announced the new colour “Off
Puce” in honour of Jell-O. The presi-
dent and CEO said at the press confer-
ence “We are happy to announce the
new colour ‘Off Puce’ The inspiration
for which came from the colour that
appears when sunlight shines through a
Lime green salad with mandarin

 

 

oranges in it. Were all very proud.”
Indeed, the legacy that is Jell-O will
live on well into the next millennium,
after all human life is extinct. After the
big nuclear attack, all that will remain
will be rats, cockroaches, and
‘Tupperware containers containing

Jell-O moulds.