life & style // no. 12 theotherpress.ca Rebecca Peterson Assistant Editor ost of us were taught about active listening in elementary school, weren't we? We were taught how to let people take turns in conversation, how to listen without interrupting, and how to look someone in the eyes and nod to show that we were hearing and understanding what was being said. These are the basic rules that we learn to play with as we get older, but not all of us can maintain eye contact too well, and I don’t think I’ve made it through a single family dinner without interrupting... and being interrupted enthusiastically by fellow Petersons with points to prove. However, when it comes to personal conversations—especially the heavier ones—many people struggle with how to listen in a way that helps. How many of us have felt wrong-footed and woefully inadequate as our loved ones outline difficult situations and tough problems they're trying to work through, as we try to find a way to show that at the very least, we care? In those situations, it’s rarely about what we say; it’s about how we listen. With that in mind, here’s a list of tips for better and more effective active listening, both for those fun work and school stories you share over coffee, and the harder situations where the best thing you can do to help is lend a caring ear. Stories tend to have a beginning, middle, and an end; stories your loved ones tell you will often also have a point. How often have you tried to tell a story or outline a problem to someone, only for them to jump in right at the beginning and barrel through without bothering to listen to what youre really trying to tell them? This may seem stupidly simplistic, but it’s a principle we often forget to apply to the stories and situations our friends try to explain to us. Your job as an active listener is to see your friend through to the end. If you aren't sure if your friend has finished, or gotten to the heart of what they're trying to tell you, you can always ask before assuming; just make sure that you ask in a way that facilitates more conversation. Instead of asking “Are you finished?” which can sound impatient and like you're bored, relate it back to what they're saying: “So you're telling me your coworker stole your lunch, then was late coming back from their break? Have they done anything like this before?” Active listening doesn’t have to be silent! Honestly, people rarely want listeners to stare at them zombie-eyed until they finish speaking. Giving feedback as your friend speaks and asking questions shows that youre really in the conversation with them, and trying Bitchin stitchin’ > ‘Subversive’ cross-stitch is cool Jillian McMullen Staff Writer remember watching my grandmother knit all the time as a child. I was always in awe at how she could turn a pile of yarn into basically anything— hats, sweaters, even some overalls for my baby cousins. When | attempted it for myself as a preteen, all I could put out was a pretty basic scarf with rows that were either too tight or too loose. Since that first unfortunate experience, I’ve largely stayed away from craft-like activities. Until recently, that is. Cross-stitching is one of the oldest forms of embroidery and is found in traditional textile arts in cultures all over the world. For the uninitiated, it is a counted-thread embroidery, which basically means the artist makes their design on a fabric with a grid weave by counting out x-shaped stitches to form an image. In the past, images I have seen have either been large-scale landscapes or the more common picture frame-sized work often with a phrase embroidered in the center and bordered with flowers. The latter is usually some homey, family-oriented phrase you'd seen hanging in your aunt’s carefully curated kitchen: Classics like “Live, Laugh, Love,” “Meals and Memories Made Here,” or “Happiness is Homemade.” For whatever reason, several of my close friends have recently taken to cross- stitching in their free time. Curious as to this sudden rise in the needle-working arts, I asked a few of them their reasons for picking up such a seemingly random hobby. I got pretty basic answers for the most part, most just claiming it was something “to do.” One answer, however, both surprised and stuck with me: “I do it so I don’t play on my phone so much.” Cross-stitch, something I pretty much only associated with the generation of our grandparents, has become a way for us millennials to combat one of the biggest critiques of our generation. Many of those new, young cross- stitchers are turning that aforementioned homey-ness on its head and are messing with the kinds of images and phrases they embroider, making them more relevant to modern popular culture. The movement is called “subversive cross- stitch” and often takes a tongue-in-cheek your best to understand what they’re telling you. Just make sure that youre not dominating the conversation through your feedback! Remember—your job is to see your friend to the point of what they’re trying to tell you. Anything you say should contribute to that goal. You can guide, you can encourage, but you shouldn't take the wheel. Before offering advice, make sure your friend is actually even looking for advice. Especially in emotionally fraught situations, it’s always best to make sure youre giving your friend the response they need. If youre not sure, ask! “Do you just need to talk it out, or do you want my advice?” Often people are just looking for an empathetic ear or a sounding board, and not for an almighty guru who can show them the way. Ask, “What are you planning on doing next?” before offering any solutions. Anecdotal empathy is a tool best used sparingly, and wisely. It’s impossible not to relate someone's experiences with your own, and by extension, it’s damn near impossible not to want to share what you learned from your experiences with someone going through something similar. Sentiments such as “I know exactly how you feel” and “T’ve been through that exact thing myself” may approach to the craft. Pieces with “Bite Me,’ “Shut Your Piehole,” or “Snitches get Stitches”—all with the traditional flower border intact, of course—are being sold in trendy craft fairs throughout the city. I think it’s that unexpected juxtaposition of very traditional and very modern that makes this movement so popular. If youre looking to get your own artistic aggression out in the oldest way possible, there’s an entire online Better active listening > It’s more than just making eye contact Photo by Analyn Cuarto feel like empathetic responses, but can come across as dismissive. If you do think you can genuinely help someone by relating your own experiences, always bring it back to the matter at hand. Make sure they know that you understand it’s not all “exactly the same.” Try, “I’ve been through something similar, this is what worked for me... I don't know if that helps.” Don’t be afraid to sound unsure; if someone is confused or distressed about something, sometimes it can be comforting to know that other people are at just as much of a loss as they are. False confidence helps no one in these situations. Feel with them... just not more than them. One of the least helpful things anyone has ever done was start crying when I told them that I'd gotten a strange call from the doctor about a blood test I'd had done recently for a heart condition. No one should have to comfort you for something that is happening to them. It adds stress to an already stressful situation. Remember, youre there to support, not be supported. Knowing how to actively listen will not only make you an easier person to talk to, it will make you a better friend and confidant—which is what most people in high stress situations need. Cross stitch by 21stCenturyGrandma on Etsy company (conveniently also called Subversive Cross-Stitch) dedicated to providing would-be crafters with all the materials and patterns their snarky little hearts could ever want. The owner also has two books: Subversive Cross Stitch: 50 F*cking Clever Designs for Your Sassy Side and Subversive Cross Stitch: 35 Designs for Your Surly Side, titles which I think both perfectly hint at the type of pattern available.