Ryan Unger, OP Contributor For years I had problems deciding which federal political party to support, until I developed a foolproof method. I call it “political pornography.” It’s a simple process, really. All you have to do is think of a political party that is asking for your vote and imagine which style of porn they best represent. Pornography Makes Federal Politics Fun Take the Green Party for example: According to my theory, they’d be the most likely to cre- ate one of those New Age videos. You know what I mean? Similar to that artsy crap that they show on Showcase where a bunch of sagging baby boomers sit in a circle, bang on drums and lead a chant. The movie climaxes when the whole group comes together in a giant naked heap and hums each other into orgasm. The NDP would be a little more varied. While they often go outdoors for communal nature sex, they at least vary the routine. For example, there’s always to be a good hardcore scene, where the burly union worker satisfies the attractive intellectual. The woman is always on top of course, in everything except scenes involving gay men. And the NDP would certain- ly have some steamy gay sex scenes, with men or women. So, really, there is something for everyone within the NDP porn genre. The Bloc Quebecois represent my least favourite style of porn; the interrupted girl-on-girl scene. This occurs when there is a particularly good lesbian scene with attractive actresses, when suddenly guess who has to ruin the fun? Some Fabio look-alike, that’s who, with long blonde hair and a bunch of muscles. The bastard gets in on the action, and splits the happy couple. What a disgrace. The Conservative porn style is more of an acquired taste. Unfortunately, it’s generally the most unappealing. I will spare the worst of the details, but imagine a naked Stephen Harper, viciously whipped by a leather-clad Laura Bush. Some can appreciate this sort of fetish but it just doesn’t work for me. Lastly, we come to the Liberal Party. The Liberal style of porn consists of one of those videos where it’s painfully obvious the actors and actresses don’t want to be there and are only performing for the money. “Oh yeah, it’s so big and hard” go the usual lines, while the actress is counting her money off camera. Admittedly, the performers are often attractive. They say all the right things and their scenes have all the right elements. Something is missing that makes it hard to believe. In conclusions, once in awhile, sure, I get sucked in by a good Liberal porno, but it’s the tried and true NDP porn that’s my favourite selection. Matters David Suzuki, David Suzuki Foundation es Well, it took Stephen Harper a while, but he finally put Rona Ambrose out of her misery, shuf- fling her out of the limelight of the environment ministry and replacing her with the smiling face of John Baird. Some have argued that the move is long overdue, as Ms. Ambrose was often faulted for her poor performance on the environment file. Of course, poor performance in this context does- n't mean insufficiently protecting the environment. It means she was unable to assuage con- cerns held by the public, the opposition, and the media, that Stephen Harper’s government is completely uninterested, even hostile, towards the environment. Ms. Ambrose indeed may not have been the best spokesperson, often coming across as somewhat cold and prickly on a file that is considered more warm and fuzzy. Mr. Baird, on the other hand, is outgoing and well-liked. He’s also influential and politically savvy. Within a cou- ple of hours of the announcement of his appointment, he telephoned me to say that he was committed to working with environment groups because climate change was a serious problem that, if anything, was being underestimated by scientists. He also assured: me that he was “not a member of the flat-Earth society.” I don’t know if he was comparing himself to his predecessor, the rest of the Conservative cabinet, the prime minister or just making an offhand joke, but the comment is an important one. That’s because whether or not Ms. Ambrose cared a whit about the environment was irrele- vant, as will be the case with Mr. Baird. The reality is that government policy under the Harper administration is dictated by one person—Stephen Harper. John Baird could be a card-carrying member of Greenpeace and he still wouldn’t be able to change a thing without Mr. Harpet’s blessings. So, is Mr. Harper changing his stripes? It certainly didn’t hurt that former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney recently made public statements, urging Mr. Harper to go green. As Mr. Mulroney pointed out, it helped him to’do so back in 1988 when he embraced the rising tide opinionsubmit@hotmail.com of environmentalism. In fact, Mr. Mulroney was recently hailed as Canada’s greenest prime minister. Of course, Mr. Mulroney may not have had a green bone in his body. He was ultimately responding to public concern. Mr. Harper is now in that same position, though he seems reluc- tant to, admit it. Public concern over environmental problems, especially global warming, has reached an all-time high. It would be politically foolish to ignore those concerns. Yet Mr. Harper has done a remarkable job of ignoring them thus far in his stint as prime minister. For a long time it seemed like he hadn’t realized that he actually won the last election, appearing content to simply blast the Liberals’ environment record as though he was still in opposition. However, behind the scenes, there was no doubt about who was in charge, as Mr. Harper abandoned Canada’s Kyoto commitment and systematically dismantled all the environ- mental projects and policies the previous government had developed. In their place, Mr. Harper left promissory notes for a comprehensive “Made in Canada” solution to Canada’s growing environmental woes. Eventually, that laughable language was purged and replaced with the equally disingenuous “Clean Air Act.” When Ms. Ambrose was savaged by the international community at a UN-sponsored climate meeting about the obvious weaknesses and insufficiencies of the Act, and her government’s abandonment of Kyoto, she simply reverted to bashing the Liberals. It’s been a rocky ride for Mr. Harper’s government on the environment file. Given his his- tory on the issue, the most likely scenario is that Mr. Harper will do the bare minimum he must to quell rising public concerns over the environment. What that bare minimum is will be determined by the Canadian public, who will decide if he’s green enough or really just another member of the flat-Earth society. Take the Nature Challenge and learn more at www.davidsuzuki.com. rf