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(Y People| can do without: The sequel

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

(% Can we please talk about the literal elephant in the room? 4 humour@theotherpress.ca

(Y Disney princesses can be role models, too... www.theotherpress.ca

And more!

VOTE FOR ME

» As your President of the Students

 

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

A‘ you sick of a government :

that doesn’t really do
anything?

Fed up with the corruption,
bribery, and murder that are
ALWAYS associated with
council elections?

Are you tired—just like,
really, really tired?

I know Iam.

Hi, my name is Chandler
Walter, and I want YOU! ....
to vote for me, as your next
student president.

When elected I promise I will:
- Abolish ALL tuition fees.

- Singlehandedly stop the
pipeline. Which pipeline you
ask? ALL the pipelines!

- Provide FREE candy always!
- Have couches. Couches
everywhere.

- Install a hot tub in every
classroom.

- Puppy room? More like
Puppy SCHOOL! They'll be
everywhere! It’ll be so dang
cute. Awe.

- Get, like, a big, big bed. (For
naps only, kids.)

- Make sure EVERYONE gets a
MacBook! I'll be like the Oprah

for you, and you, and even you,
puppy!

: our Tim Horton’s will have Roll
: Up the Rim cups all year round.

All this and more could

: be yours, all you have to do is
: VOTE*!

*All those who vote for me

: are thereby signing a binding
: contract, and once elected

: I will demand your respect,

: absolute obedience, and

: lifelong servitude. Also, I will
: demand 60-plus hours per week :
: of “volunteer” work from each
: student to help fund our new

: world—I mean, school.

After I take over, there will

: be no school transfers—ever.
: All those who leave the Mother- :
: school will be deemed traitors
: and shunned by all those of The :
: Great Beginning.

As your Grand Leader, I

: vow to conquer both SFU and

: UBC by 2016 (though, after my
: election, it will be considered

: Year 1). Their campuses shall be :
: ours! Their students will be our
: thralls and shall write all of our
: references and bibliographies

: for us! For even the smallest

: of colleges can rise up from

: earnest beginnings to rewrite

: the pages of history (textbooks). :
: : walk all the way to the drinking
: fountain. It’s like, come on;

: youd think we could put more
of those in, right?

All of my kin and future

: successors will be of pure
of Douglas College. A MacBook : Samurai descent (I am half-
: Japanese, after all) and thus
: will be wise, fair, and great

- Ensure that, most importantly, :

leaders in battle. Our lineage

: will continue longer than the

: Targaryens, and will control so

: many campuses that people will
: say that “the sun never sets on

: Douglas College.”

Make me your king—I

: mean, Student President—

: and together we shall create

: a Douglas College Empire—I

: mean, school system—the likes
: of which have never been seen!

In the words of Tolkien, “I

: shall not be dark, but beautiful
: and terrible as the Morning and
: the Night! Fair as the Sea and

: the Sun and the Snow upon

: the Mountain! Dreadful as

the Storm and the Lightning!

: Stronger than the foundations

of the earth. All shall love me

: and despair!”

What more could you want

: ina Divine and All Powerful
: Ruler?

Oh, also, I will see to it that
there will be more drinking

: fountains. We really don’t have
: enough of those. Sometimes

: I have to walk halfway across

: campus to fill up my water

: bottle—and there goes my

: whole break! I don’t even have

time to get a snack if ] have to

DOUGLAS COLLEGE,

: UNDER MY BANNER, UNITE!

 

Photo Illustration by Joel McCarthy

 

Nothing in life is free, except this

» Five ways to acquire a free, satisfying lunch at Douglas College

how much you love lunch every time you see
your classmates all semester long. Sigh loudly
about how you have no lunch. Eventually,
someone will get very angry and say, “Fine! I’ll
buy you lunch! Let’s go.” Bingo.

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
4 humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

eeling famished? Financially strapped?

Nourish your intestinal flora on campus
while building up a healthy bank balance with
these quick and simple tips for finding a free

lunch at Douglas College.

1. Make a condiment salad: ask :
your friends to pass along their excess : 4
condiments—think ketchup, artificial
sweetener, etc. Create a little parfait by
layering the condiments in a colourful
arrangement, and dig in. Totally free, and

totally somewhat edible.

2. Charm people into buying you lunch:
every lab partner you have is a potential
person who might want to buy you some
salad by the weight. This is a bit of a long

is pretty cool.

dollars.

con—all you have to do is sneakily mention

3. Nourish your body with knowledge:
some people say that information is power,
but I say that it’s also lunch. Go to the library
for more than just surfing Facebook, and you'll
fill your mind to the brim. Just don‘, like,
actually eat the books’ pages.

Stake out the Students’ Union: the
Students’ Union frequently offers students
yummy meals and treats for special events.
Even if it’s not a meal day, the Students’ Union

5- Goona two-hour water fast: water is
not only free at Douglas College—it’s also
readily available. Fill up your reusable water
bottle and sip up some fresh H2O—sans the

 

Image from Thinkstock