ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Smith & Reeve at the Movies: Titanic 2: Jack’s Revenge

Iain W. Reeve and Steph Smith, Filthy Filthy Liars

 

The year is 2112, it has been 200 years since the Titanic
sank en route to New York. Long dead of a fatal drug
overdose, Rose, one of the only survivors of the fatal acci-
dent is long forgotten by the society that hated her.
However, in New York, in the dark of the night, the
Titanic finally arrives. Captained by ragamuffin turned
ghost-pirate Jack Dawson (DiCaprio), the enraged crew has
returned for revenge on the world that forgot them at the
bottom of the sea.
Titanic 2, a sequel to the highest grossing film of all

time, sports the largest ensemble cast in film history. This
includes the entire original cast as well as Michael Douglas,
Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, John Travolta, Lindsay
Lohan, River Phoenix, Nicole Kidman, David Carradine,
Hulk Hogan, Betty Page, Molly Ringwald, Darkwing Duck,
a 6-foot-wide ball of string, Ra’s Al Ghul, Corey Feldman,
Shelly who I saw at Skybar that night (if you read this call
me), Tori Spelling, Jack Nicholson, Chloe Sevigny, Bill
Pullman, The Sultan of Brunai, Kenny Hotz, Uma
Thurman, the A-Team, Marlon Brando, Samuel L.
Muthafuckin’ Jackson, Charlton Heston, Katharine
Hepburn, Natalie Portman, Brak, Baby Spice, Bill Murray,
Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Matt Dilon, Matt Hardy, Matt
Goode, Mats Sundin, King Kong, Swamp. Thing, Wild
Thing, Man Thing, the Thing, KITT the Car, David
Hasselhoff, Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Halle

' Berry, The Blues Brothers, Peter O’Toole, Jude Law,
Johnny Depp, and the munchkins. And this is just in the
first hour.

Reeve:

Take $400 million dollars,
three years spent in princi-
ple photography, a cast and
crew larger than the popu-

 

lation of a small country,
and a run time of five
hours. What do these
things add up to? The
biggest hunk of Hollywood
crap of all time.

Whose idea was it to
make every single person in
the film a big name
Hollywood actor?
Everyone from hot-dog
venders to gas station jockeys are played by A-list actors.
Even the vehicles in the film are all famous, including The
Jetson’s flying dome car, Bumblebee from The Transformers,
and famed 1960’s icon, the Batmobile.

While DiCaprio reprises his role with some relative
amount of skill, the whole ghost-pirate thing seems like a
bit of a stretch. I mean...are they pirates who died and
became ghosts, or are they ghosts of normal dead people
who later made the conscious decision to become pirates?
There was simply no context.

“The constant revolving door of actors makes it hard to
say anything about the other performances. Few actors had
more than two lines, if they had any at all. Though the
scene in the diner between Pauly Shore and a computer-
rendered James Dean was a genuine tearjerker.

This five-hour-long monstrosity fails to even measure
up to the level of other contrived blockbusters. It is a
series of clichés strung together by half-hearted musical
numbers and thinly veiled anti-Semitist undertones. I never,
in my wildest imagination, thought that there was any way
the syrupy romance between Jack and Rose could be made
any worse. However, taking the apt story of forbidden love
across class and turning it into a story of forbidden love
between zombies and ghosts? This, I think, will leave audi-
ences confused and mortified.

The endless stream of cameos, including a particularly

disturbing one by US Vice President Dick Cheney, a story

with holes large enough to sail the Titanic though, and a
sex scene that has quite literally scared me for life—these

aeditor@gmail.com

are but three of the reasons not to see this film. It is a sin
against humanity and all copies should be fired into the
sun without delay.

Smith:

Who ever thought that this film could be made? The
Titanic sank, and a lot of people died...but what if that
were not the end of the story? In this sequel to the largest
grossing film of all time, Jack comes back to find his long
lost love. This is the story of a love that even death cannot
stop.

Set in the year 2112 (which, by the way, is also the
name of my favourite Rush album), Titanic 2 begins with
the docking of the fabled ship in New York City, two hun-
dred years after it was supposed to dock. Now captained
by Jack Dawson, the boat is full of ghosts turned pirates
who are angry at being left to rot at the bottom of the sea
for 200 years. The pirate ghosts decide to take revenge on
the city, rampaging, pillaging, and generally running amok.
Meanwhile, Jack decides to go and find his true love, only
to discover that she has died. He goes mad with remorse
and subsequently decides to destroy the United Republic of
North America.

What I liked most about this film was the sheer num-
ber of Hollywood megastars who made appearances.
Everyone who is anyone is in the film, and for damn good
reason. With genius script writing and fantastic special
effects, this film is sure to surpass even the original in
terms of box office gross.

At first, I assumed the film would be completely unnec-
essary, a money grab if you will. After seeing it, I am sure
that this is the greatest film ever written. Forget Waterworld
and look out Oscar, ’cos here comes Jack!

From the exceptionally choreographed fight scenes, to
tender love scenes, to the scene where the pirate ghosts
battle the evil space monkey overlords, this film is non-
stop action. The scene that hit hardest for me was when
pirate ghost Jack enlisted the help of a voodoo priestess to
raise his long lost love Rose from the dead. When her
zombie corpse came back to life and they shared true
love’s kiss... don’t think there was a dry eye in the house.

All in all, I think I have witnessed glory. I think that I
have seen the greatest film ever made. Nothing better has
ever been made and I don’t think a film of this calibre will
ever be made again. Rush, my friends, rush to the theatre
(with 2772 on your iPod). Titanic 2: Jack's Revenge is pure
gold from start to finish!

 

Right Hook: continued from pg. 7 (Or, is it from pg. 8?)

tinue to roam wild and free across the plains of California signals’

yet another failing of this wannabe leftist administration.

If Canada and the United States are ever to emerge from the

swamp of liberalism, our leaders need to stop pussyfooting
around and take a cue from the stirring example of V for

rorist sympathizer sympathizers, and single mothers), aggressive

nuclear strikes against random Muslim nations (to distract atten-

tion from said round-ups), and the formal establishment of a

state church capable of enforcing bans on birth control and the

teaching of evolution.

Vendetta’s High Chancellor Sutler. The leftist scourge can only be
effectively destroyed through swift, decisive action, not via mealy-
mouth “orders-in-council” and “PATRIOT acts.” What we need

is a sweeping and prolonged suspension of civil liberties (for
greater ease in rounding up terrorists, terrorist sympathizers, ter-