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Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
You will get a lot of money today. Unfortunately, your newfound
wealth will turn you into a Scrooge. Watch out for any boys named
Tim.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Falling in love at first sight is fun! Just beware of the sudden stop at
the end. You will also wake up tomorrow married to a man with a
donkey’s head. Figure that one out.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

You will find a newfound interest in movies today. Unfortunately,
the movies you will want to watch from now until your dying day
are the Transformers reboots.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Life is an adventure, but don’t go around slaughtering people and
raiding their corpses for loot. You’ll land in jail. No, life is also not a
game of Grand Theft Auto.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Unity is important to you, so invite your friends to help you spread
lies about a member of your social circle.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Be happy today. After all, you’re not the only one who’s on fire.
Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

You will feel a sudden compulsion to organize and label all the
things in your fridge. Why? I don’t know; go to a psychiatrist, for
it’s clear you have a problem.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

You are feeling amorous today. Of course, the six beers you’ve had
can also contribute to this feeling. Who knows who you'll wake up
with!

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! That’s what you will be shouting
through a megaphone on the roof of your local 7-Eleven until the
cops show up.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Important information for you is in this horoscope! Read on! Hurry!
There’s a duck crossing the road.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Today you will look out the window and see a marching band. This
will have no effect whatsoever on the rest of your life.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

Your relationship with friends will improve today. Now they'll stop
using you as their own personal footstool!

With files from Livia Turnbull
22

 

By Jared Isbister, Husband, Hostage

ey! Is someone out there? Can
Ho= hear me! Help me!

Oh, you're there? Thank
god! Listen, I need you to call the
cops! My wife’s got me locked down
here, and she won't let me out! She’s
going to kill me I think. I need out!

Seriously, Kara’s gone nuts. She’s
got some crazy, suspicious notions
that I’m sleeping with the girl from
the mailroom. It’s all true, but still,
that doesn’t make her any less crazy
or suspicious!

Oh god... it smells so bad in here.
She makes me sleep in the dog’s old
bed, and I have to go to the bathroom
in the corner. She feeds me nothing
but old bread and the occasional piece
of raw meat. The water tastes vaguely
of urine. Please, I think I’m getting
dysentery or something! You have to
get me out!

What? What do I think makes a
successful marriage?! What the f—k

eg ; cae
Violence of Viewpoints

Help! My wife’s got me locked up in the basement!

kind of question in that?! I’m locked
in a basement in conditions that make
Abu Ghraib look like the Ritz! Don’t
ask me stupid questions!

Wait, wait! Come back! I’ll
answer! Um, I guess commitment...
listening... uh, giving... flowers? I
don’t know, why are you asking me?
My wife locked me in a basement
because I cheated on her!

Oh yeah, that’s another thing that
makes a good matriage: not cheating
on your wife. Or, if you are going to
cheat, make sure your other woman
doesn’t have your home phone
number. Or make sure your wife isn’t
a sadistic psychopath. All of these are
great options. Trust me.

Now for god’s sake! Let me out!
It’s cold in here and I'm getting ticks
from not bathing—wait, did you hear
something?

Shh! | think she’s coming back!

With files from Liam Britten

 

wonderful marriage
By Kara Isbister, Loving Wife

T= say, “Marriage means
commitment, but so does
insanity.” Well, I guess you
better lock me up in a straightjacket
then, because me and my husband
Jared are just crazy for each other!

I know, it sounds like I’m
bragging. But I’m not. It’s just that
our marriage is perfect. Really! The
wedding was like something out of a
fairy tale. I looked like a princess, he
was my Prince Charming, the birds
were singing, and we even had a
wicked stepsister in the form of my
actual sister, who said that Jared was
a serial cheater who couldn’t keep it
in his pants and slept with half her
friends while secretly screwing the
other half.

But who’s got time to listen to
overly critical people like that, am I
right?

The truth is our marriage isn’t the
greatest by accident. It takes work!
You really have to be there for the
other person. You have to realize that
marriage isn’t about fulfilling your
needs; it’s about fulfilling the other’s
shared needs. After all, we have
to share our financial futures. Our
homes, our lifestyles. We both have
needs for emotional fulfillment. And
of course, we have to share intimacy.

And intimacy isn’t as easy as
you might think in a marriage.

 

oo know, we have conflicting

It’s a labour of love, but my husband and I have a

schedules, careers, different energy
levels, different libidos, different
desires to sleep with mailroom sluts
at the office. So you have to make
compromises and accommodate the
other person, even if it makes you feel
like a weak, enabling fool for doing
so.

Those are just the crazy ups
and downs that come with a great
marriage!

But listen to me! I’m making it
sound like it’s been all pain and no
gain! All that work you put into a
marriage? Well, guess what—you get
back 10 times what you put in! I think
about the good times I’ve had with
my Jared; I love the way he surprises
me with flowers after he’s been away
for a weekend on a business trip, or
how he knows just how to make me
laugh on those rare times he’s home
at night. He’s a great guy.

Oh, and of course, I’ll always love
the way he panics and thrashes about
whenever I put a chloroform-soaked
rag in his face, and the cute way he
fights until slipping into inevitable
unconsciousness, and the way his
blacked out body sounds when I drag
it across the floor.

So, in summary: no, officer,

I haven’t seen my husband since
Thursday. I have no idea where he
could be.

With files from Liam Britten