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J. ALL
OP Columnist

Hello. For those of you accustomed to flip-
ping to Opinions and scouring the pages for
Exile on Main Street, you may be confused.
While my name, like my predecessor, is also
Jennifer—I am hoping this is where the sim-
ilarities end. | mean, this column will be

“TOTALLY different. Here, you will find a
uniquely—slightly off-colour, often sex-
obsessed—feminine perspective of the
world. So where do the differences lie, you
may ask. To this | say, “E-x-a-c-t-l-y.”

Anyhoo, you dear readers, now have the
opportunity to read my inner-most musings
on a regular basis; sniffer’s row seats to the
show of my life, if you will. In this column you
will find stories about me, stories about peo-
ple who irritate or impress me, stories about
people who know me and stories about peo-
ple who should know me. Now, you may be
thinking to yourself, “Why in the hell would |
want to read about this dumb broad?” You
may even be entertaining the notion of disre-
garding this column, just to piss me off. That,
my friends, would be a terrible mistake. Think
about it for a moment. A person this
obsessed with self is bound to frequently
make an asshole of herself. Now, who does-
n't enjoy the antics of an asshole? Please!
Allow me to sweeten the deal. | am shame-
lessly honest about myself, revealing details
you may wish you never knew. If you can fig-
ure out who | am, when you see me in the
halls you can snigger, point and laugh—
whatever floats your boat. It gets even bet-
ter—I am a student, | am poor and | have
issues. I’m just like you, only better, because
| have my own column!

Here is a list of ten unsolicited facts about
me (in random order):

| am old. (Younger than 30, older than 28.)

My favourite drink is Johnny Walker Black
(on ice).

My favourite politician of all time is Bill
Clinton—hands down (and on my knees).

My date-rape drug song is “Secret Red
Canoe” as performed by Martin Tielli.

The one person | would want to spend one
night of raucous partying with is Dean
Martin.

| hate to cuddle after sex—but | do like a
Super Big Gulp and cab-fare home.

| was a vegetarian for 6 weeks in 1990.

| masticate meat, and how! Sounds dirty,
but look it up (you'll be disappointed).

Despite my foul language, | do think that a

>>> OPINIONS
fi Broad’s Eye View

 

lady should be a lady. i.e., no bodily func-
tions performed in front of a man. Period.

| have an unrelenting, dirty little crush on
Alan Rickman. | love you, babe.

So there you have it. | cannot promise you
journalistic integrity or any brand of integrity

 

for that matter. But, | promise you | will show
up. And really, sometimes that’s all we can
hope for, isn’t it?

Send your warm fuzzies or cold pricklies to
me at:

broadeyeview @ hotmail.com

>>>otherpress 07